Monthly Archives: March 2012

I Don’t Know How To List Something Online Because I’m A Dumbass

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buy me junk!

Buy my junk!

Fargo, ND – So you got something you want to get rid of or sell eh?  These days, with the internet, it is so much easier to sell or get rid of something then it ever has before.

Everyone has a camera, every phone has a camera in it, and good quality cameras are so cheap.  So what better way to sell something then by posting an ad on the internet.  I mean, there are multiple classified ad websites you can list on and an online auction called eBay.  All you need to do is simply provide a decent sized picture, a description (this is something that describes what the fuck you are listing), and your ass is good to go, right?  Wrong.  To some people, that either makes no fucking sense or they didn’t get past the 3rd grade because mother nature hates them so much for being stupid.

Let’s start with the picture aspect of listing something online.  Here are some basics that my common sense brain will grace you with.  First off, it has to be a decent size.  This is critical so people can see what pile of shit you’re trying to pawn off on someone else.  I often see people post ads such as the one below.  It makes me want to drive my car into the front of their house.

Hey everyone! I sniff paint everyday and hit myself repeatedly in the face for fun!  As you can see below, I’ve included a really big picture of my pile of shit so you can see exactly what I’m selling! $1

 

Here is what the ad should look like.

Oh hey everyone!  My mom told me at a young age to not do a ton of drugs so I have a little common sense.  I’ve posted a picture below of a really cool post-it note that people randomly leave on my desk for some reason!  I don’t understand!  They are so silly!  Anyways, at least you can see what I’m selling!  Thanks!  $1

 

The second part of the ad is the description.  Let’s say if you took a picture of your poop.  You would probably put in the description, “I’m selling my piece of shit.”  Right?  Seems simple enough and it describes exactly what you’re selling.  Well, not simple enough for these sad excuses for humans.  Let my common sense brain grace you with my common sense again.  See my examples below.

 

Right Way

Oh hey everyone!  I just got back from the hospital!  I had a headache for so long.  They said it’s because i’ve been a dumbass for too long!  Haha!  OMG!  Anyways, below I have a piece of shit Toyota Tercel for sale.  It has 120k miles, rust all over, hardly works, and tranny is going bad.  This piece of shit is all yours for $200.

 

Wrong Way

Hi!  It’s me!  I’m a race car driver and I’m retiring my supped up Toyota Tercel.  I’ve won national championships with this and I’ve put over 15k into it!  This thing is fast!  Everything works!  This is all yours for $3,000!  Super cheap!  Must sell fast!  In EXCELLENT CONDITION!!!  RUST FREE! NEEDS NOTHING!!  I’m going to jail soon for running over marathon runners.  Silly me!  I’m such a clutz!

 

So there you go.  Now you know the basics of not being a dumbass when listing something to sell online.

Arrested Drunk Guy Sings Bohemian Rhapsody

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Bravo!  Not only does he NAIL the song but he does it in such a performance that could win a Grammy.  I’d like to have a few beers with this guy someday.  To top it off he ends it with, “Physical violence is the least of my priorities.”  We agree with you drunk dude!  High Five!

 

[youtube id=”fqymcJRSbxI” width=”600″ height=”350″]

North Dakota Senators Tired of Being Overlooked

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Washington, DC – Muffled discussion can be heard from inside a capitol building janitorial closet by members of the senate as they stroll by. You see, this is where the North Dakota representatives of the United States Senate can be found conducting business. It’s funny to imagine, but not at all unusual. North Dakotans are quite used to being disregarded. It all began in many years ago when Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid proposed internal legislation to have the ND senators “moved to an off-site location” so that the senate could “find someplace to put all these goddamn empty boxes.” The ND senators were to conduct business from OUTSIDE the capitol! With pride in mind, senator Byron Dorgan fought back, earning a convenient spot in a hallway broom closet.

This state is growing very accustomed to being forgotten about. In the senate, it’s been going on for many years. Nowadays, the senators are lucky if their votes even count. Senator John Hoeven can usually be seen sprinting down the hallway, ballot in hand, desperately trying to get his vote handed in before voting cutoff. He remarks, “It’s fun! It adds excitement to the job. I just never know if i’ll get it there in time. I’m like Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible LOL!” He seems to handle it well, but deep down, he’s frustrated. “Sometimes I really wish that things would go back to the way they were before. Give Kent Conrad his own broom closet again, for Christ’s sake.”

North Dakota State University (NDSU) Bison

Cuts are coming to North Dakota State University. Dean Bresciani Faces Tough Decisions.

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Fargo, ND – North Dakota State University Head Mafia Boss President Dean Bresciani is facing very VERY tough decisions these days.  This comes after the State Board Of Higher Education denied a request for a half-percent hike in NDSU’S tuition. ” Waa Waa Waa” was heard from people who actually have a door to enter their office on the NDSU campus.  They were last seen crawling out of their offices, opening the door, and peeing on everyone in a cubicle.

In another example of “We can’t make this up” the President Dean Bresciani said, “there’s nothing left to cut.”  With President Deans ridiculous salary of over 300k, we at the FM Observer know exactly where to cut it.  Instead of cutting heads off mafia style Bresciani, let’s cut your salary.  What do you actually do that warrants 300k a year when your “subordinates” probably do all the work anyways?  Not to mention last year, the top dogs, which included you, were given pay raises approved via North Dakota’s Board of Higher Fuck You In Your Ass.  Even with that kind of money you couldn’t buy a hooker hot enough to give your ugly faces a lap dance.

More common sense from the common folk Bresciani, had this to say, “”We’ll try to shave that bone versus cutting that bone.” “We want to do everything possible to preserve the educational environment here.”  He left out “cutting that bone” to include him and his cronies salary.  That means doing everything necessary to GIVE ME RAISE he meant.  One year ago the board of higher education approved a nearly 9% tuition increase at NDSU but yet earlier that year approved a raise to the d bags who don’t even deserve it.

Good job higher education.  Take all the money you can.  Your bubble will soon BUST and then your left with Karma.  This Karma gal is a complete bitch we heard.

Man falls off bridge into the Red River in Fargo-Moorhead

Man apparently falls off a railroad bridge in North Fargo.

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Fargo, ND – Authorities Sunday night pulled a man out of the Red River.  The man was believed to be walking on the railroad tracks that are located between Fargo and Moorhead when he allegedly fell in the river.  Witnesses were on scene but are telling different stories.  One witness stated he saw the man clumsily stumble, fall off, and do a vicious belly flop into the river followed by an, “Ow Ow Ow”.  Other witnesses stated they saw the man approach the end of the bridge, bend his knees as if to test the flexibility of the bridge, raise his hands in the air, and jump off.  While in the air, this flying Fargo man was seen doing somersault type maneuvers which then turned into what looked like a flying swan.  This story was confirmed by at least 3 witnesses.

After police pulled the man out of the river we learned the man was actually an Olympic diver training for the London 2012 Games.  Since it is winter most of the year in Fargo-Moorhead, this high dive flying swan said there is no better way to train then diving off a bridge in the middle of the night while dodging ice and frozen water while landing.  Tragically, no alcohol was involved.

Twins Baseball Preview: Ron Gardenhire promises to lose at least 80 games in 2012

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Fort Myers, FL – In the midst of Minnesota Twins baseball spring training, skipper Ron Gardenhire is already making some bold predictions for the upcoming 2012 season. When asked how he thought his team looked so far this preseason, Gardy had this to say:

“I’d like to think we’ll contend for last place in the American League again this year, but personally, I think barely missing a Wild Card berth is more realistic. That’s going to require us losing quite a few games. If we really band together as a ballclub and play as lousy as we did in 2011, i’d say we could lose as many as 80 games this year. With the M&M boys (Mauer & Morneau) looking sluggish and overpaid and a shaky pitching rotation that includes a very suspect bullpen, we will lose 80 games or more. That’s a guarantee.”

Gardy went on to say that he thinks that the Tigers are loaded and will definitely sweep the Twins this year and win the division.

Fargo Buffalo Wild Wings Patron Goes Ape Shit

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Fargo, ND – Patron at the Buffalo Wild Wings on 42nd street was seen going totally apeshit after winning a singular round of bar trivia this evening. The minute his name flashed on the big screen, ape like behavior was witnessed along with grunting noises and scraping of the armpits.  Witnesses said they saw him hurl poop into a victims open mouth while they were trying to eat.  Ape boy was last seen holding his boner while jumping through a glass window.