Monthly Archives: July 2012

Cops Crash Bachelorette Party Posing As Strippers

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Fargo, ND – Local on-duty uniformed police officers were reported to have had a little fun at the expense of a bachelorette party over the weekend. Two Fargo police spotted a party bus parked outside the Old Broadway night club in downtown Fargo and decided to take action. They called in a 10-69 which is cop code for “accost a group of drunk bachelorettes with the magic of sexy dance”. The officers received a hearty 10-4 from the girls, as they were welcomed with open arms, laughs and smiles all while the girls shot questioning glances at one-another trying to figure out who the culprit was that called these hot chunks of man-meat! The women had their fun with the cops; gyrating against bullet-proof vests as the 2 fun-loving protectors of the common good danced provocatively & collected dollar bills inside their utility belts.

The police, after a rousing ovation from the party bus, took some photos and left to spend their hard-earned tip money on coffee as they were set to begin the night shift.

West Fargo Giant Weiner Hairdo

New Hair Style Sweeping the FM Area This Summer

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West Fargo, ND – What is coming out the back of your head?  That’s the first question local bar patron asked when he saw something long and pointing at him from the back of a women’s head.

A new hair style is sweeping the FM area and it’s being nicked named the “Giant Wiener.”  After days of exhausting and extensive research, we were able to produce the picture below to explain how it got it’s name.

Giant Wiener Hair Style

This new summer fashion trend is hot and catching on.  Young women and young adults have started wearing their hair in a style that resembles one big giant wiener.

So girls, throw out your old styles and rethink your wardrobe, the giant wiener is hot, in, and ready for summer!

This is a MUST HAVE!!

 

Tomato Plant Bombs Causing Fear of Terrorist Activity

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Fargo, ND – The recent string of tomato plant bombs in the downtown Fargo area has certain business patrons and residents on high alert. These tomato plant buckets have been popping up in random locations on sidewalks throughout downtown, much to the dismay of your typical god-fearing terrorist-hating American. What is the purpose of the tomato bucket, you ask? Well it’s just a free-for-all plant care initiative that you or I can participate in. You water the tomato plant if it looks dry & pluck a tomato off the vine to keep as a reward for your efforts. Simple. But, alas, fearmongers are having a difficult time accepting & understanding the unknown. Downtown resident Kenneth Noisewater shared his ridiculous concerns with the Observer:

“These plant bombs only LOOK harmless on the outside. Anybody could put an actual bomb inside the soil. This is NOT acceptable. Surely a deadly terrorist tool disguised as a friendly gimmick by a member of an elite group of war bandits.”

Mr. Noisewater went on to remind the Observer that you “don’t just leave baggage unattended at an airport” and that the same principal applies to the tomato plants. I tried to bring Mr. Noisewater closer to one of the plants to help alleviate his concern, but he backpedaled and accused me of being a “cold-blooded terrorist”. Sigh. Oh well….let’s not let one fearmonger ruin a perfectly good summer idea.

Drunk Packer Fan Hits Street In Style

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Fargo, ND – A drunk Green Bay Packer fan (is there any other kind?) recently awarded a quiet nighttime Fargo street corner with more than it could handle. The Packer fan, let’s call him “Drunken Rodgers”, had himself quite a journey last night. He traversed a number of intersections on foot, jaywalking the entire time like a blind two-year-old barely making it to the corner grass of what would become the unluckiest slab of lawn in the entire city. Evidently, Drunken Rodgers stuffed his bulbous gut full of enough Leinenkugel’s and cheese curds to make the journey home quite impossible.

Street crews were seen this morning re-sodding the corner grass patch in an effort to completely disinfect the intersection. Damage is said to be in the millions.

Amanda Smock Having A Hard Time Finding A Job After Recent News Coverage

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Fargo, ND – Former North Dakota State University Amanda Smock won the triple jump at the U.S. Olympic Trials last Monday, June 25th.

This great achievement has produced North Dakota State’s first United States Olympic track and field athlete.  However, it hasn’t all been good news.

Since all the recent news coverage last week, Amanda Smock has stated that she has had a very hard time landing a job.  Her recent pictures plastered all over the internet have fooled potential employers into thinking that she may not all be right in the head.  She could possibly have a mental disorder or brain damage and unable to fulfill all required job requirements.

One employer, after seeing Amanda’s job application, searched the internet to creep and get some dirt on her.  What he found were pictures of her running such as the ones below.

amanda smock

“After seeing these I said to myself, there is no way this women can fulfill all the job requirements.  Not with that face.  Nope.  No way.  Something isn’t right there” the employer stated.

Another employer saw her job application as well and did as the previous creepy employer did, searched the internet.  He unfortunately found the picture below.

Amanda Smock Funny Face

Amanda Smock posing for the camera.

Immediately after seeing the picture above he threw her application into the garbage.  “There is no way I can hire a women who looks to be shitting themselves while running.  It just isn’t going to work.  Not gonna happen” the other employer stated.

We wish Amanda Smock the best of luck at the Olympics.  After a win there, hopefully future potential employers will disregard her pictures on the internet and consider hiring her.