An Interview With Vice President Dan Quayle

August 12th, 2013 | by Johnnny
The smartest Vice President of all time

The smartest Vice President of all time

Former Vice President Dan Quayle was recently spotted roaming around western North Dakota. The FM Observer caught up with him for an interview.

FMO: Thank you for doing this interview with the FM Observer. You were Vice President of the United States. Do you feel you get all the respect you deserve?
Dan Quayle: I deserve respect for the things I did not do.

FMO: Some quotes attributed to you either show questionable judgment or perhaps they were simply misstatements?
DQ: I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.

FMO: Looking at the US map, you’ve been doing some travelling lately. How do you feel about the Left Coast?
DQ: I love California. I practically grew up in Arizona.

FMO: What about Hawaii?
DQ: Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island, that is right here.

FMO: The global picture is always changing. Describe your thoughts regarding our neighbors to the South, our European NATO allies, and the Middle Eastern quagmire.
DQ: I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people. We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe. The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Far East and the Near East from encroaching on each other.

FMO: We’ve sent men to the moon. What are your thoughts on our current space program?
DQ: It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system. Space is almost infinite. As a matter of fact, we think it is infinite. For NASA, space is still a high priority.

FMO: What are your feelings about family and family values?
DQ: I understand the importance of bondage between parent and child. Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.

FMO: Do you think we’re winning the war on education?
DQ: We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world. What a terrible thing to have lost one’s mind. Or not to have a mind at all. How true that is.

FMO: You obviously know how to win an election. It all comes down to votes, doesn’t it?
DQ: Votes are like trees, if you’re trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point, the pollsters will probably say you will win. A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

FMO: What are your thoughts concerning the Republican Party?
DQ: If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure. Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor. It’s the other way around. They never vote for us. I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.

FMO: Why do you think so many banks are threatened by failure?
DQ: Bank failures are caused by depositors who don’t deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.

FMO: Don’t you think it’s great going Green to decrease pollution and save the Earth?
DQ: It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

FMO: In general, Mr. Vice President, with all things considered, what direction do you think our country will be going as we move forward?
DQ: It’s a question of whether we’re going to go forward into the future, or past to the back. I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy, but that could change. People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history. This president is going to lead us out of this recovery. We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. The future will be better tomorrow.

FMO: Do you have any final advice or lessons to pass on, as part of your legacy?
DQ: If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they’ll fish for a lifetime.

FMO: Thanks again Mr. Vice President for agreeing to do this interview. One last question: Was it Al Gore who invented the Internet, or was that actually Dan Quayle who did?
DQ: If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented Spell Check.


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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express.