Area Man’s Unhealthy Obsession With Celebrity Revealed In Cryptic Letter

Discarded pamphlet of longing stokes a blazing fire of mystery.

Fargo, ND – The ever-observant FMO staff acquired an intriguing bit of loot during a recent dog walk. “What is it, boy? What do you got there? No, leave it, it’s trash.”

However, it was clear that this was no ordinary hunk of rubbish. The dog kept at it until it would be retrieved. He wouldn’t let it go. So, the crumpled-up paper was plucked from the snowy gutter.

The smeared contents of this cast-off message were hardly legible but with help from the FMO Forensics Division this proclamation of fondness was successfully deciphered. Behold:

Dearest RW,

A spoon. A tool to use for indulging in the sweet, creamy goodness of ice cream. But Hollywood doesn’t use you — they cherish you. Did you know your name was used as a Wheel Of Fortune answer? It’s plain to see how revered you are in popular culture. Oh, Reese! My nickname for you is

Has a nose for infatuation

but it stops there before it was presumably crumpled up and tossed away. What did the author’s rough draft mean to convey? Obvious clues point to who it might have been addressed, but perhaps we’ll never know its true purpose.

It should be noted that every ‘i’ was dotted with a heart.

Any guesses at what the author’s nickname is for their obsession are welcome in the comments section. All submissions will be hastily forwarded on to the FMO Forensics Division for further analysis.

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Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.