Could someone please beam me out of this fricking federal prison? I was only joking when I admitted to being a Romulan spy. C’mon, lighten up, already. I am an actress who has rights!
Enterprise, Alabama – USS Enterprise Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Star Trek Federation has been convicted of being a Romulan spy. It turns out that her actual (Romulan) name is Galina “Red” Reznikov.
Ms. Reznikov is no longer wearing her normal black and red Star Trek uniform, as she is now currently wearing the color orange while being held in an Alabama federal maximum security prison.
Her attorney is Ms. Kate Mulgrew who categorically states: “We are doing everything in our legal powers to get Ms. Reznikov freed of all these ridiculous charges of espionage.”
Romulans have been notorious for trying to infiltrate Federation ranks with spys, but never before has a starship captain been suspected of such treason.
President Obama has made it clear that “full and complete” background checks will be done on all future Federation applicants.
Say hello to the brand new FMO Corporate Headquarters! The new home of FMO-TV.
West Fargo, ND – After weeks of around-the-clock construction, the new FM Observer corporate headquarters is finally done.
This will not only be the main offices of your favorite FMObserver.com but will also be the exciting new home of FMO Television. FMO-TV will soon be coming into your home and will focus on all things Fargo-Moorhead. Think of it as being the TV version of FMObserver.com.
FMO-TV is now seeking talent and content from anyone interested in possibly being involved in having their own local talk show, be apart of our own reality TV series, or perhaps host your very own cooking or how-to program. Please send in emails and videos so that we can include you for consideration to get in on the ground floor of something big. Donald Trump said: “This is going to be HUGE!”
Free guided tours will be offered for only a $10 handling fee.
Eat in our Blue Plate Cafeteria which will be open for public consumption. All pay-per-item selections will be made from scratch using only the best organic ingredients.
The top floor Brainstormer Bar will have various serve-yourself adult-beverage drink fountains such as Mike’s Lemonade and will feature live local music nightly from 9PM – 3AM.
Work out in the FMO Fitness Centre & Spa which also houses a small food court that includes a Mini-McDonald’s restaurant and a Krispy Kreme Donut Shoppe.
Thank you for helping FM Observer become the official website of the Fargo-Moorhead area. Please consider becoming part of our family and hosting or producing your own television show. If you’re doing something you love, you’ll never have to work a day in your life.
Los Angeles, CA—FOX Broadcasting Company has officially declared it’s ready to compete for a share of the desperate female viewer demographic. Executives noted they have completed filming for a sensational new show titled, The Singleton.
In a press release this morning, FOX representatives indicated they’ve wrapped the first 5 seasons of their new Bachelor-themed reality dating program. Why did they secretly knock down five seasons at once, you might ask? Read for yourself:
“The Singleton – A scintillating new dating reality show is coming to FOX. The Singleton will feature a single male alongside 12 would-be mates vying for his love. But there’s a catch: Six of the contestants are women and the other six are—unbeknownst to the male—post-op transvestites! Who will our singleton pick? Will he pick a woman? Or will he pick a wo-MAN?! It’s The Mole meets The Bachelor, coming to FOX this fall! Check your local listings.”
The show’s narrative will provide the viewer with knowledge of who is who, so thankfully we won’t be left in the dark. How exciting! Finally a dating reality show worth watching; one in which the male could end up with a cleverly-disguised RuPaul. This show is poised to teach us a great deal about what personality means to overall sexual attraction.
Los Angeles, CA—The brain trust at FOX Broadcasting Company has been busy reworking their primetime television show lineup. A total of 28 nighttime sitcoms have met the chopping block in a space-clearing effort as more Two and a Half Men reruns make their way to syndication.
Among the canceled titles were these popular shows:
Two Franks, One Amy and a Mortuary – This ill-advised “Two Guys, One Girl and a Pizza Place” spinoff was dead before it arrived (which could be why it was set in a mortuary).
Chris, The Upwards-Walking Clydesdale – America just wasn’t ready for a rip-roaring sitcom about a talking horse who walked on his two hind legs 😐
Realty Check– What do you get when you put cameras inside a realtor’s office, an office in which much of the staff is usually not present due to their busy off-site schedules? Evidently, you get a poorly-conceived ripoff of “The Office”.
My Hair Friend – Take a journey through the life and times of Jared, a jovial-yet-psychotic man who hoarded all his haircut clippings, face shavings and manscapings to create with them a life-sized version of himself. Spoiler alert: The journey ends in the FOX tv show graveyard.
These gems didn’t hold their luster with FOX executives, who know how to cash in on syndicated reruns. Let’s hope cult classic My Hair Friend shows up on Netflix really, really soon.
Everything needed to make crystal meth is on the Periodic Table.
Albuquerque, NM – The AMC TV series Breaking Bad recently won a much-deserved Golden Globe award for best dramatic TV series. Bryan Lee Cranston also won a Golden Globe for best actor in a TV dramatic series. He plays a high school chemistry Teacher who must deal with some family issues due to a medical problem.
A top research institution called the Western Area Learning Tree (or W.A.L.T.) has compiled some interesting statistics on the effect that Breaking Bad is having on our culture. One of the main take-aways from W.A.L.T.’s findings is that there is now a significant increase in the number of high School students wanting to go into the field of Chemistry.
Math and science had seen a long and Progressive decrease in interest by students ever since the Sony PlayStation first came out. Since the first Breaking Bad episode, Professor Betsy Carbunkle describes a 10-15% increase in students wanting to go into Chemistry for their chosen field of study when going on to higher education. Betsy says: “It’s quite encouraging that a show like Breaking Bad can have such a positive effect on what’s going on with today’s students.”
Unfortunately, the research is showing that Most of these students want to become chemists so they can learn how to cook their own crystal meth, just like on Breaking Bad. Also of concern, the number of high school crystal meth users has increased a remarkable 4800% since Breaking Bad broke onto the scene.
DeFenders of the show say that just as playing violent video Games doesn’t make youngsters more prone to violence, so does Breaking Bad not necessarily increase society’s usage of crystal meth. Jesse Tweeker said on his Methblog: “I believe that Breaking Bad shows the down-Side of crystal meth usage and therefore ultimately has an over-all positive effect on a generally Negative societal issue facing our country’s future Residents.”
One of the finest television dramas of all time has officially come to a close. It was as fantastic as fantastic shows get. Our main character evolved from a jovial father-figure to a ruthless drug kingpin leaving a trail of utter destruction in his wake and boy, are we hungover.
T H E F E A R has set in. The feeling of helpless withdrawal. That same feeling an addict gets when his or her stash runs out and there’s no telling when the next fix will come.
The horror! What to do now?? You are flailing. Your Sunday nights will never be the same. Remember the throes of sickness we went through after THE WIRE ended? You don’t? You didn’t see THE WIRE??
Anyway, the issue at hand: You’re freaking out! We’ve Broken Bad and it’s all over but the crying! Hug for you. Everything will be fine. As always, The Observer is here to help.
How to appropriately deal with the loss of a show:
Talk about the show with someone who is caught up. It’s unhealthy to process every single nuance of the program yourself. If you try to do that, you will short-circuit your brain. You have to bounce your thoughts off one or more individuals who have opinions on its outcome. Can’t stress this enough. Message boards, forums, tweets and facebook are at your service if you don’t personally know someone who has Broken Bad (but chances are that you do). In so doing, you will form a bond with your fellow Broken Bads and in turn, help each other cope.
Watch it again. The show is over. The curtain has fallen….or has it? Walt & Jesse don’t have to be just a memory. They exist in the form of digital download on iTunes and instant streaming via Netflix. Heck, you can even stream the show online for free if you look hard enough (*cough* project free tv *cough cough*). After all, ease of access is what helped make the show so immensely popular. Reboot the show and consume the pilot episode like it’s your first of many heroin blasts.
Create a shrine. Cop a boatload of merch. Vamanos Pest work shirts, Walt & Jesse posters, Los Pollos Hermanos lunch bucket, blue meth candy, etc. Compile all of it into a giant Breaking Bad shrine and worship this shrine every Sunday night for eternity.
A simple three-point plan to help you get over your loss. Start this process now because if you don’t, next Sunday you’ll find yourself a borderline-suicidal mess. RIP Breaking Bad.
Oscar The Grouch, a muppet character from the ever so popular kids show Sesame Street, has finally come clean about himself.
Today on Good Morning America, Oscar has revealed to the world that he is actually made out of Marijuana.
“I feel it was time to finally come clean about myself. I am indeed, one big nug of weed.”
Parents Television Council have been in a huff since this revelation as Sesame Street is a childrens television show.
Concerned parents are afraid Oscar The Grouch will endanger their children, turn them into murderers, and become a gateway to more hardcore drugs. However, after speaking with some current and former children on the show, they stated that they have been smoking Oscar The Grouch for quite sometime now which explains why they always seem so happy on the show.
Oscar states that he does not put pressure on any children to smoke him but does admit it helps him, as well as the children, deal with the fact that there is a big yellow talking bird on the show. It also calms his nerves due to the stress of living in a garbage can all his life.
Obama will be the new permanent host of the Tonight Show
Burbank, CA – In a surprise move, NBC has announced that President Obama will take over for Jay Leno as host of the Tonight Show.
Jimmy Fallon was slated to be the next host of the show but those plans have “gone out the window”.
NBC executives speaking under strict conditions of anonymity (Bruce Devlin and Shirley Jarvis) basically said during a short press conference that the government is taking over the show.
President Obama will be the new permanent show host. Members of his cabinet or any of his various czars will fill in as needed when the President is out of the country or busy playing golf.
As for Jimmy Fallon, his comment to all this was: “I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was damn good at it.”
The President’s spokesman is saying that as soon as President Obama takes the show over, it will be produced at the White House. You can expect a long line of Democratic guests, especially as we get closer to the 2014 and 2016 elections.