National

FM Observer Secures Naming Rights For Blue Post-it Notes
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FM Observer Secures Naming Rights For Blue Post-it Notes

February 3rd, 2016 | by Nick
Temecula, CA—A much-anticipated blockbuster deal has been finalized. After extensive negotiations, the FM Observer has inked a lucrative branding contract with popular sticky note manufacturer Post-It. For the next decade,...
Frack Lives Matter Movement Galvanizes In Western North Dakota
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Frack Lives Matter Movement Galvanizes In Western North Dakota

February 2nd, 2016 | by Nina Verbena
Williston, ND – With oil prices tumbling and jobs disappearing, western North Dakotans are channeling their frustration into a powerful, singular message: Frack Lives Matter. Spokesperson Ole Baryll says the once booming...
Fargo Man Performs Amateur Exorcism
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Fargo Man Performs Amateur Exorcism

January 28th, 2016 | by Nick
Fargo, ND – An area man, without the help of a brave Catholic priest, has completely freed his significant other from demonic possession. Blenn Fristle, 42, was able to purge the darkest beast from within his wife Pavia by...
Vin Diesel To Donate 4,000-Gallon Collection Of Distilled Tears To Flint, MI
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Vin Diesel To Donate 4,000-Gallon Collection Of Distilled Tears To Flint, MI

January 25th, 2016 | by Nick
Hollywood, CA – Contrary to what we all had thought, acclaimed movie badass and feared megaman Vin Diesel isn’t 100% ferocious.  No! Upon hearing of the Flint water crisis, he’s taken the call to donate to...
Canadian Movie Star Thonn Furbeglan To Host 2016 Maple Syrup Festival
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Canadian Movie Star Thonn Furbeglan To Host 2016 Maple Syrup Festival

January 20th, 2016 | by Nick
Edmonton, AB, Canada – The syrup world is abuzz this morning with the announcement that Canadian action film star Thonn Furbeglan will be donning the flannel stageside for this year’s Maple Syrup Cookoff Festival set...
Cenobites Denied Foreign Immigration Visa
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Cenobites Denied Foreign Immigration Visa

December 8th, 2015 | by Nick
Hell’s portal is closed…for now Hell—Due to increasing skepticism over foreign immigration, The Cenobites, aka Satan’s Minions, have been denied entry to America via Hell’s customs portal. Pinhead, the...
Anti-Homeless Advocates Install Broadway Machine Gun Turret
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Anti-Homeless Advocates Install Broadway Machine Gun Turret

September 29th, 2015 | by Nick
In response to the city’s move to change up the bench style on popular Broadway intersections, local anti-homeless coalition NoHobo® has one-upped the city by installing a loaded machine gun turret on the top of the...
Woman Lists Infant Child On Ebay
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Woman Lists Infant Child On Ebay

August 27th, 2015 | by Nick
In another edition of You Can’t Make This Stuff Up (But We Did Anyway), an area mom has listed her infant son, Bemmen, as a bidding item on popular online auction site Ebay. “Kid was born in a hot air balloon,...
Haunted Corn Maze Hiring 20 Children Of The Corn
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Haunted Corn Maze Hiring 20 Children Of The Corn

August 25th, 2015 | by Nick
Moorhead, MN—Local terror attraction Haunted Corn Maze is in search of blonde-haired, pale-faced, ghoulish children for its upcoming Children Of The Corn exhibit. Area parents, take heed: if you think your prepubescent...
North Korea To Trademark New Time Zone
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North Korea To Trademark New Time Zone

August 10th, 2015 | by Nick
With news that North Korea is planning to extract itself from a time zone shared with Japan comes the apparent corporate branding of said time zone. In bold opposition to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT), North Korea will file an...