Category Archives: National

Brazil President-Elect A Little Too Obsessed With Sexual Education


Jair Bolsonaro poking fun at his rival Fernando Haddad, “the gay kit candidate”

Riberao Preto, BRAZIL – From our southerly American neighbor Brazil comes news at the forefront of their political landscape. President-elect Jair Bolsonaro, on the tail of a victorious Trump-like campaign, remains infatuated with what he insists the schoolchildren of Brazil were poised to fall victim to: the Gay Kit.

Bolsonaro obsessing over the gay kit in front of millions of TV viewers

According to Bolsonaro, his political opponent Fernando Haddad tried implementing some over-the-top school curriculum during his time in congress. The children’s book Aparelho Sexual e Cia, Um Guia Inusitado Para Crianças Descoladas which roughly translates to Sexual Apparatus and Stuff, An Unusual Guide for School Children, had been Bolsonaro’s prime focus for months during the campaign.

This, among a plethora of other books and props, comprised what Bolsonaro labeled the “gay kit”. He claims that this “gay kit” would have been used to teach kids homosexuality seven years ago if congressman Haddad had his way. Now, even after using it to demoralize his opponent which ultimately led to his winning the election, Bolsonaro cannot stop talking about it.

Having a little fun with the Gay Kit. The finger through the hole becomes a pee-pee.


Air Force Space Command Protesting Space Force

Not good enough anymore?

Not fast enough. Too small. Go back to watching your Star Wars movies, kid. You’ll never make it. That’s what they used to say to United States Air Force Space Command Lieutenant Gragg Bombgarden all those years leading up to his enlistment in the Air Force. They put him down, but all he wanted to do was go up.

Gragg went in as a Private some years back and worked his way up. And up and up. Until one of the highest military commands in the country demanded his services. He answered the call of the mighty Air Force Space Command as its premier lieutenant in 1993.

The Air Force Space Command, activated Sept. 1, 1982, is a major command with headquarters at Peterson Air Force Base, Colorado. AFSPC provides military focused space capabilities with a global perspective to the joint warfighting team. A “major” command that isn’t fast enough. Too small. Suddenly living in the shadow of a new military branch they are calling Space Force.

“The work we’re doin’ here ain’t crap. We stand by it. Did anybody tell them we exist?” Gragg’s mood turns sour at the mere mention of Space Force. He could be seen scowling at the face of Mike Pence during the announcement a couple days back.

And as a result, he’s suspending Lieutenant ops until this whole thing gets sorted out. A military strike, of sorts. The base is shutting down shop until they are given the respect they deserve.


Trump Names Bali Volcano, Mt. Agung, As New Top Advisor

Mt. Agung: nice ash!

Washington, D.C. – After losing a number of top advisors in recent weeks, President Trump filled one of the vacant slots with a highly unusual appointment today. Mt. Agung, the active volcano currently erupting in Bali, has been named as his newest high-ranking cabinet member.

“I have a wonderful, beautiful, special relationship with Mt. Agung. That volcano is really, really smart, it’s got amazing ideas, you’ve never heard ideas like these…the best…and it’s going to be a great thing for our country, America, which is a great country, but it could be better, but now it will be better, like way way better,” Trump exclaimed earlier today.

Asked what he was thinking by naming a volcano as a top advisor, President Trump said, “Mt. Agung is yuge and strong, like really strong, and really yuge. Plus it’s a volcano, which is amazing…it’s got the best eruptions in the world, the hottest lava, its ash is the best ash I’ve ever seen…everyone is going to love it, and I mean love it bigly.”

White House staffers had no comment, but insiders tell the FM Observer that they are “drinking heavily” and “mostly just praying”.

Aging Presidential Administration Ships Horse Masks To Puerto Rico

Puerto Ricans warm, dry, funny wearing disaster relief.

San Juan, Puerto Rico – After playfully tossing paper towel rolls to locals seriously affected by hurricane Irma, Donald Trump has seemingly permitted a shipment of latex horse masks to Puerto Rico. To the aid of the stricken comes a few dozen thousand goofy conversation starters, just in time for Halloween. Halloweenluiah!

“Hey, cool horse mask. I’ve got one, too! Where did you get yours?” “Ah, yeah, our sort-of President sent mine. Not real sure if he’s our President or not because we’re not one of the 50 states.”

Domes will stay pretty dry and overly warm while suffering. The Red Cross is working their tails off to bring help and assistance to Puerto Rico while our aging Prez is dispatching flimsy headwear to the post-apocalyptic almost-a-state.

Aging US Secretary of the Exterior Serf Shoemaker, in a statement made earlier today: “Donald Trump has never heard anyone complain about getting something for nothing. Make Unincorporated American Territories Great Again!”

Shoemaker then reiterated the fact that this was a shipping error and in no way was it a prank played on the kind-of-American island.

Inadvertently hilarious disaster relief? You make the call. A final note: the Fake News name Serf Shoemaker can be joyfully re-arranged to formulate the phrase FREE HORSE MASK.


Trump Administration Considering Travel Enforcement To New Arctic Iceberg

Big is beautiful.

Washington, DC – Last week, in the thrall of a red-hot northern hemisphere summer, the shockingly brittle Larsen C Ice Shelf buckled under the pressure and shed a few trillion tons of unneeded weight. This signifies a huge win for climate change accepters like Al Gore. Climate change deniers remain mum.

The Trump administration is considering a travel enforcement to this new iceberg as compensation for the recent travel ban, a spokesman for a representative of an anonymous member of a Fake News source is said to have maybe repeated early Monday. It is not known who will be forced to travel to the new ‘berg or how they will get there, but do know that mandatory travel is possibly being maybe or not considered.

A brief roundup of things not quite as big as the broken ice shelf:

Bifton Dingwater. Doesn’t have much to say about the broken iceberg.

  • Donald Trump’s hands
  • The national debt
  • United States Tax Code
  • The Guinness World Record for biggest hamburger ever eaten
  • An Ice Breakers® sugar-free mint with cooling crystals

Locals are saying that this broken iceberg is definitely NOT a sign of things to come. They are saying it has nothing to do with climate change. “I don’t live in Antarctica. This is North Dakota. Quit bothering me with these weird questions,” says Antarctica resident Bifton Dingwater. 

The Observer is of the ilk that maybe NASA ought to freeze-weld that big berg back onto Antarctica before Al Gore blows a gasket.

Gmail Now Permitting Use Of Emoji In New Email Addresses

octopus thinks kermit smokes poo at gmail dot com is just one of the many hilarious combinations you can use.

Palo Alto, CA – Great news this day for emoji fans and horrifying news for emoji haters. That little smileyface icon you’ve fallen in love with using in messages has taken one step closer to formally joining the lexicon as Google announced yesterday it is allowing those characters in brand new Gmail usernames.

Now, instead of using a series of letters, numbers, or periods, you can slide an emoji or 12 in there.

Emoji, the double-edged sword of 21st-century typists, are officially allowable characters to use in a new Gmail address. What does this mean for computer users? It means you’re going to have to join the rest of the mainstreamers and go mobile OR you can refer to the internet as your not-too-convenient emoji clipboard. Good news is, we’re here to help ease you through this transition.

Here’s a gentle listing of the most commonly used emoji for you to copy/paste whenever you need to send one of those annoying new emoji gmail addresses a message:

😀 😃 😄 😁 😆 😅 😂 🤣 ☺️ 😊 😇 🙂 🙃 😉 😌 😍 😘 😗 😙 😚 😋 😜 😝 😛 🤑 🤗 🤓 😎 🤡 🤠 😏 😒 😞 😔 😟 😕 🙁 ☹️ 😣 😖 😫 😩 😤 😠 😡 😶 😐 😑 😯 😦 😧 😮 😲 😵 😳 😱 😨 😰 😢 😥 🤤 😭 😓 😪 😴 🙄 🤔 🤥 😬 🤐 🤢 🤧 😷 🤒 🤕 😈 👿 👹 👺 💩 👻 💀 ☠️ 👽 👾 🤖 🎃 😺 😸 😹 😻 😼 😽 🙀 😿 😾 👐 🙌 👏 🙏 🤝 👍 👎 👊 ✊ 🤛 🤜 🤞 ✌️ 🤘 👌 👈 👉 👆 👇 ☝️ ✋ 🤚 🖐 🖖 👋 🤙 💪 🖕 ✍️ 🤳 💅 🖖 💄 💋 👄 👅 👂 👃 👣 👁 👀 🗣 👤 👥 👶 👦 👧 👨 👩 👱‍♀️ 👱 👴 👵 👲 👳‍♀️ 👳 👮‍♀️ 👮 👷‍♀️ 👷 💂‍♀️ 💂 🕵️‍♀️ 🕵️ 👩‍⚕️ 👨‍⚕️ 👩‍🌾 👨‍🌾 👩‍🍳 👨‍🍳 👩‍🎓 👨‍🎓 👩‍🎤 👨‍🎤 👩‍🏫 👨‍🏫 👩‍🏭 👨‍🏭 👩‍💻 👨‍💻 👩‍💼 👨‍💼 👩‍🔧 👨‍🔧 👩‍🔬 👨‍🔬 👩‍🎨 👨‍🎨 👩‍🚒 👨‍🚒 👩‍✈️ 👨‍✈️ 👩‍🚀 👨‍🚀 👩‍⚖️ 👨‍⚖️ 🤶 🎅 👸 🤴 👰 🤵 👼 🤰 🙇‍♀️ 🙇 💁 💁‍♂️ 🙅 🙅‍♂️ 🙆 🙆‍♂️ 🙋 🙋‍♂️ 🤦‍♀️ 🤦‍♂️ 🤷‍♀️ 🤷‍♂️ 🙎 🙎‍♂️ 🙍 🙍‍♂️ 💇 💇‍♂️ 💆 💆‍♂️ 🕴 💃 🕺 👯 👯‍♂️ 🚶‍♀️ 🚶 🏃‍♀️ 🏃 👫 👭 👬 💑 👩‍❤️‍👩 👨‍❤️‍👨 💏 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨 👪 👨‍👩‍👧 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 👨‍👩‍👦‍👦 👨‍👩‍👧‍👧 👩‍👩‍👦 👩‍👩‍👧 👩‍👩‍👧‍👦 👩‍👩‍👦‍👦 👩‍👩‍👧‍👧 👨‍👨‍👦 👨‍👨‍👧 👨‍👨‍👧‍👦 👨‍👨‍👦‍👦 👨‍👨‍👧‍👧 👩‍👦 👩‍👧 👩‍👧‍👦 👩‍👦‍👦 👩‍👧‍👧 👨‍👦 👨‍👧 👨‍👧‍👦 👨‍👦‍👦 👨‍👧‍👧 👚 👕 👖 👔 👗 👙 👘 👠 👡 👢 👞 👟 👒 🎩 🎓 👑 ⛑ 🎒 👝 👛 👜 💼 👓 🕶 🌂 ☂️

Better scoop up lying sick clown dancer at gmail dotcom before anyone else does. 🤥🤢🤡🕺

**Please note our email address has changed from to:**

United Airlines Expecting Insignificant Revenue Shortfall Amidst Controversy

Louisville, KY – $36 billion in annual revenue could turn into a mere $33 billion after video of United airline staff violently re-appropriating or re-accommodating or re-moving or whatever they call what they did to a paid customer surfaced the other day.

“We might lose a couple potential flyers. It is an unfortunate consequence of millions of people witnessing an involuntary de-boarding or mandatory un-planing or whatever we’re calling what we did to that passenger the other day,” said United spokesperson Phishla Crowntank. “He wouldn’t get himself off so we had to get him off.”

There’s no telling what this tiny revenue shortfall will do to the airline. Our guess is that instead of 4 passengers getting up to $1300 apiece for being unavoidably extricated from a flight, perhaps they’ll have their bouncers fist-beat and drag three paid customers for $1000 apiece instead.

Meanwhile, remember to bring a helmet in your carry-on luggage next time you fly United.

Obama Ninja Army Fighting Climate Change

Fighting climate change from BEYOND THE POLITICAL GRAVE

Pictured: a gas pump that has been damaged beyond repair. An act seemingly definitely maybe perpetrated by the Obama Night Administration, a not-for-profit band of specific ninjai. 

Chicago, IL – It is potentially alleged that in the smoldering wake of his White House tenure, former President Obama has been using covert operations to keep the cherished climate change initiative alive.

Fake News has learned that enemy gas pumps across our great heartland are maybe definitely being attacked in the night, unprobably likely by members of a secret ninja army fronted by Barack Obama.

Reports of convenience store vandalism are pretty much kinda almost sort of widespread. Charging stations are untouched, whereas gas stations are being ruthlessly damaged, it has been certainly possibly purported. We mostly do not not believe that Obama’s ever-expanding legion of stealth-mode assassins playfully named the Obama Night Administration is behind these attacks.

These reports of vandalism are made available to the people via Fake News outlets. Fake News is here to tell you what’s really possibly maybe going on.

Fake News is everywhere. It’s on mainstream media, the DarkWeb, the DeepWeb, the InterWeb, the OuterWeb, et al. Try to avoid it and you will fail. 


Lady Gaga To Bring Performance Art Tour To Fargo

Lady Gaga, shown here alongside her malformed pet wildebeest Vivian. Vivian suffers from bovine dwarfism, leaving her mandible, horns and legbones much smaller in stature compared to a normal wildebeest.

Fresno, CA – Stage performer Lady Gaga, fresh off one of the most scintillating Super Bowl halftime show performances of the modern era, has formally announced that she will embark on a nationwide “performance art” tour.

The tour, nicknamed the “Gaga-Lactic” tour, will include live shows with Gaga dressed like a Slovakian milk farmer and a misshapen wildebeest moonlighting as a cow.

Gaga and Vivian will perform previously unheard material with songs like:

  • Cow Are You?
  • Milk My Soul To Death
  • If I Cud, I Would
  • Udderly Amazed
  • Moo Over, I Can’t Breathe
  • You’re My Better Calf
  • Lactose Tolerance
  • Morning Teat

The show’s Fargo stop will occur at FargoDome the night before the night before the week after the summer solstice, which is coincidentally the anniversary of the very first Holstein cow milking as observed on the ancient Celtic Calendar as the Great Lactic Dawn.

Tickets for this tawdry event, if you can get them, go on sale two weeks from three days after yesterday.

Criss Angel To Lead US Army’s New MINDFREAK Infantry

Craig Angel

Craig Angel

Washington, DC – In the desolate, run-down wastelands of the Middle-East, countries are at war. People are blowing stuff up over there at an alarming rate. Blowing things up and blowing each other up and putting our soldiers at serious risk in the process.

That is why Chuck Hagel, Obama’s outgoing Secretary of Defense, has decided as last order of business to implement the power of Magic to the Army’s arsenal of tactics.

Hagel sees Magic as a weapon that our nation’s military can utilize to their benefit:

Chuck Hagel

Chuck Hagel

“We’ve got some of the more prolific magicians on the planet at our disposal here in these United States. Daniel Copperfield, Damien Blaine, Craig Angel. They all possess valuable powers that the military wants to apply to combat. These magicians were forcefully volunteered to contribute their expertise and we’ll have Craig Angel at the helm of our brand new Mindfreak Infantry Battalion.”

Hagel went on to add that the newly-implemented MINDFREAK infantry will contribute its “la-de-da whoop-de-doo Houdini shit” to battle. He also stated that soldiers will be “walkin’ on water and flyin’ without wings” before too long.

Criss Angel sounded excited for this new opportunity to showcase his magical abilities:

“I guess i’m going to teach soldiers how to levitate and do card tricks to pass the time? I don’t really know.”

Kudos to Criss Angel for lending his talents to the United States Military. Criss can hopefully teach soldiers how to steal enemy guns with their minds and maybe even stop bullets like Neo from the Matrix. That would be wicked.