Center For Disease Control Bans The Handshake

May 6th, 2015 | by Johnnny
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Experts say that shaking hands could be an early sign of Parkinson’s Disease.

Shakespeare, Alabama – In the midst of mucho bad news during the last year about the spread of diseases, the customary handshake is in danger of extinction.

Governmental scientists armed with the latest governmental research claim that this barbaric germ-spreading maneuver is no longer worth the risk.

One governmental statistic shows that 98.5% of people who die have engaged in using the handshake as a method of greeting and agreeing during their lifetime.

One expert on the subject of handshakes is Robert McCloskey who said: “I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”

Federal bureaucrats from the Center for Disease Control are gearing up to begin enforcing a ban on handshakes after the Obamadministration uses another Executive Action to outlaw the archaic practice.

As a helpful public service, the FM Observer has come up with a list of alternative methods of greeting friends and strangers.

Top Ten Alternatives to the Handshake:
10. Standard Hand Wave
9. Thumbs Up
8. A Wink
7. Fist Bumps
6. Rubbing Elbows
5. Curtsy
4. Chest Bump
3. Cheek Rub
2. Bowing
1. French Kiss

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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either or or :o)