Contest: Get Your Ass To Mars!

News from the future – March 4th, 2066


Mars Outpost, 2066

Fargo, ND—NASA’s Mars Rover, since its placement on the Red Planet decades ago, has been hard at work constructing the much-anticipated MARS OUTPOST interplanetary research and development facility.

The MARS OUTPOST, located smack dab in between a storm of red lightning and swirling alien dandruff space dust, has become the galaxy’s first spacetacular astrological science and research center. The Mars Rover built this monstrosity from the ground up using nuclear and solar-powered state-of-the-art engineering. Impressive!

little bud

Mars Rover

Anyway, NASA (in conjunction with select media outlets across the nation) is preparing to send one lucky duck straight to Mars in a shuttle captained by R&B legend and current owner of Mars, Bruno Mars. The winner shall receive a first-hand look at the gorgeous new OUTPOST facility!!

The FM Observer will be coordinating an entry contest with its readers. All you have to do to win is complete a small 100-word essay in our comments section below explaining why you should Get Your Ass To Mars. Our staff will compile the results and select one lucky space cadet to be sent on a one-way 34,000,000-mile trip to the Red Planet.

Upon landing on Mars, cadets will eventually be greeted by the Mars Rover where there will be a photo opportunity (no flash photography) along with a guided tour of MARS OUTPOST. After that, you will help Rover do ferocious interstellar battle with Martians.

Good luck!

Must be 18 or older to win. Anyone named Scot is barred from entry (don’t even bother trying, you smug one-t’d bastard). Bring your own space suit (Cohaagen refuses to give his people air). FM Observer and its entities herein are absolved of any transportation casualties after winner has boarded ship. Winner must pass rigorous physical conditioning test prior to departure. No smoking on board spacecraft; vaping OK. Gluten-free rationing available by request. Winner is responsible for his/her own safe return to Earth. Offer valid in continental US only—sorry, Texas.
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Co-Founder at FM Observer
Interstrapolating condectistic devariance via opentasmic protensive mindopathy.