We have less than a day to manifest a list of acceptable new year’s resolutions that will, in theory, help us become better people in 2013. The Observer would like to offer some assistance. Here are a few perfectly reasonable new year’s resolutions you can borrow:
Be as detestable as Kim Kardashian
Kim Kardashian is an utterly detestable human being, yet still loved and adored by millions. Famous for no apparent reason in the first place, she parlayed that celebrity status into a highly-publicized TV show and subsequent wedding that she sold the rights to for millions. Yes, she sold E! the very same bullshit wedding that was annulled not even 3 months later. This sparked so much outrage, comedian Rob Delaney wanted to sue her.
Be as desirable as Kim Kardashian
Another sobering fact about Kim, she is one of the most desirable human beings on Earth. It’s no secret how hot she is. I know what you’re (I’m) thinking: If only I could have a rockin’ bod like that, man, imagine how much tail I could pull. I would be smashing ass on the regular. This leads me to our next resolution…
Crush barbells, not donuts
Americans love to crush. Well, most of us do. Every day of our lives we are either crushing meals, snacks, chemical impurities, the hearts of our loved ones, weight machines/dumbbells, and even tasks at work. Let the Observer recommend you start crushing less donuts and more dumbbells in 2013.
Finish that LinkedIn profile
‘Cause we all know that you wouldn’t have gotten that new gig without a spotless recommendation from your former boss that your new boss didn’t even bother to look up on linkedin.com! No, he googled you and all that. He did. It’s just that your LinkedIn profile had a poorly pieced together patchwork profile with an outdated recommendation about a gig that no longer pertains to your current career but you got hired anyway, didn’t you?
Get a twitter celebrity to re-tweet you
Anybody who’s anybody knows that your twitter follower count represents your personal net worth. This is an undeniable truth. Ask any twitter celebrity that question, and they’ll deny it up and down because on the surface “none of that shit matters”. But it is fact. That said, you will want to pander to the mighty twitter elitist for a retweet that will, in turn, bolster your internet status as well as your personal net worth in one fell swoop.
Alright. Borrow a couple of these beauties and feel the stress of self-improvement just wash away. Happy New Year!