Fargo, ND – Police departments across our F-M area are taking initiative in case Obama uses executive order to “control” the nation’s guns. Local law enforcement agencies are preparing their officers for hand-to-hand perp wrangling if such a drastic measure would, in fact, completely outlaw and remove all guns from the national landscape.
Cops are stepping up their self-defense skills as well as their ability to out-wit and out-muscle dangerous perps.
Officer-in-training Danny Rudd:
“I’ve been watching every James Bond movie on repeat to get real familiar with kickin’ perps’ asses without a gun. The wife has been letting me practice my throat-chop technique on her. Pretty useful.”
Lieutenant Carl Mitchum:
“Perps are dangerous, sure, but they are also dumb. You can pick up any Tom Clancy novel where he writes about war stealth. Stealth is the number one weapon of a Navy SEAL so we will apply it to everyday perp-wrangling. When it’s time to arrest the perp, he will never see it coming!”
Patrolman Roger Hallsworth:
“I cannot wait for my first perp chase ‘n beat. I’ve been running stairs like Rocky, juicing up for the next criminal. Those knuckleheads don’t stand a chance.”
Departments are also handing out Human Growth Hormone supplements and other performance-enhancing drugs in an effort to give their officers the upper-hand. This doesn’t bode well for criminals in the Fargo-Moorhead area as the officers around here are becoming more dangerous and efficient than ever before.