Local Man Depressed It’s Not Winter

April 16th, 2012 | by Bill Burns

Fargo, ND – Phil McCrackin is a family man.  A man who enjoys the great outdoors, spending time with his kids, and cooking his family large and exquisite dinners.  He is also a happy man whom his friends say is one of the greatest people to be around.  However lately, there has been something keeping Mr. McCrackin down.

Mr. McCrackin has been seen moping around town the past couple weeks.  His neighbor said he saw him walking through the park with his head down, crying, and ignoring everyone around him.  Friends say they have tried calling him to get him to go out for a little bit, possibly have a beer or two, and cheer him up.  Mr. McCrackin won’t answer those calls.  We sat down with his wife to see if we could make sense of this.

“I don’t know what it is but he’s just been so depressed lately.  He hasn’t smiled in weeks, no longer makes his exquisite dinners, nor spends any times with his kids anymore.  He just locks himself in the basement with the freezer door open and fans all around him.  It’s so odd! I don’t understand what’s going on with him.”  Mrs. McCrackin proceeded to cry.

After playing Christmas music constantly and making reindeer noises outside Mr. McCrackin’s basement room door, he finally came out.  We got some time to sit down with him and asked him why he’s being such a little bitch.

“I’m depressed.  I’m not happy.  I miss winter.  This nice weather is really getting to me.  I don’t know how to continue on.  I’d rather be swimming through snow banks instead of swimming in 70 degree water.  I’d rather be driving santa’s sleigh instead of driving a convertible with the top down.  I’d definitely rather be freezing my balls off then freezing tasty popsicles on a hot day.”  His family tried to get him to go camping to try and get away, relax, and get his thoughts straight but he said he’d rather be building snow forts.

After hearing this, me and his family realized he had gone insane.  Batshit crazy.  We called the local mental hospital and had him taken away.  He was last seen knitting sweaters and singing Christmas music in the middle of May.  May everyone pray for him.


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Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.