Man Caught Having ‘Sexy Time’ With Area Pumpkins

October 31st, 2012 | by Bill Burns

West Fargo, ND – Pumpkins missing from your front door step?  West Fargo Police finally have an answer for you.

Early this morning, a West Fargo man was arrested for having sexy time with pumpkins all over the West Fargo area.  One neighbor was walking to shut the front light off when he spotted a man in dark clothing erratically humping away at his defenseless smurf carved pumpkin.  Once spotted, the man ran away taking the pumpkin with him.

Another incident 2 hours later, Ted was walking out to his car to lock it when he caught the pumpkin humper with his pants down and a small pumpkin hanging from his genitals.  Again, the man ran away, pumpkin and all.

The last witnessed incident was the pumpkin humpers embarrassing downfall which did him in.  Becky was watching a movie late last night when she heard some rustling on her front door step.  She went down to investigate and opened her front door.  There lay the pumpkin humper sprawled out on her front door step, completely passed out, pants down, pumpkin seeds everwhere.  Scattered around him were five of Becky’s pumpkins, broken and bruised.  Who knows the torture they had to endure.

Police say the pumpkin humper is in their custody and it is once again safe for everyone to put their pumpkins out on their front door step, just in time for Halloween.


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Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.