New Barcode Causing Nausea & Vertigo

May 1st, 2013 | by Johnnny

ILLUSION3Barco, NC – The international governing body for barcodes recently unveiled its latest 21st century technology. However, many unprepared shoppers and store workers are already having some serious problems when seeing the new product ID images. Numerous instances of severe dizziness and stomach sickness have been reported to store managers. (Click on the image at the top left of this article, if you dare, to see if you are one of those affected.)

The original barcodes, which were represented by varying widths and spaces of parallel lines, were one-dimensional. Most people don’t know (or care) that the first “bar” codes were inspired by the obsolete Morse Code system used back in the old cowboy telegraph days. Then, two-dimensional product codes came along which appeared like funky geometric patterns.

Barcode-ologist, Neil Brownie of the Pugh Research Center, said that these new 3-D universal product codes were designed for machines, not people. “We are telling people to not look at these barcodes, unless you possibly want to experience a sensation of light-headedness and a feeling of being ‘spaced out’, which many teenagers these days are seeking. We have even seen some older folks lose their balance and fall over while shopping due to the imbalance and unsteadiness caused by looking at these new product codes.”

Dr. Melvin McNoodle has spent his entire life studying the phenomenon of Visual Dizziness. As he sat in his seemingly spinning office during a challenging interview, he explained that “the eyes intermittently send confused impulses to the brain, which then sends out equally confusing orders to the muscle groups in the body, which in turn can cause vertigo, sweating, nausea, vomiting, and slurred speech…much like going out on a first date with the girl of your dreams.”

In the name of technological advancements, shop with caution from now on, lest you should unexpectedly come upon one of these new 3-D barcodes from hell, and possibly end up on your back in some spinning hospital room.

{For more information on this important subject, Google the word: Nystagmus}


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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express.