North Dakotans Live In A State Of Happiness

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Hiberspace is the new happy.

Fargo, ND – Gallup’s recent release of its annual “Happiest State” poll results has left many Americans dumbfounded to see North Dakota sitting in 1st place for 2014.  It is being widely reported that collective “Whaaaaa?” sounds can be heard from Pittsburgh to Portland as people scratch their heads trying to figure out where North Dakota is and what’s so happy about it.

However incredulous, Gallup has spoken.  Toppling the reigning champ, Hawaii, North Dakota now ranks as the happiest state in the union.  While the FMO sends out a mittened “high five” to our state and its citizens, even we have to wonder:  How the heck did that happen?

In an effort to understand how North Dakota could have ever stolen the happy crown from Hawaii (Really??), the FMO decided to ask local psychiatrist and self-proclaimed happiness expert, Johann Kronnesvoldervandersbjorg to explain.

FMO:  So, Dr. K., why in the world are North Dakotans so darn happy?

JK:  I’m going to let you in on a little secret.  I’ve recently discovered a phenomenon that occurs in some humans who live in absurdly inhabitable conditions like we experience here in North Dakota.  After years of being exposed to mind-numbing cold, prolonged sunlight deprivation and high levels of casserole consumption, human beings begin to enter a state not unlike hibernation.  I call it Hiberspace.

FMO:  Can you repeat that?  I was half asleep.

JK:  Listen closely now.  Just as the internet exists in Cyberspace, North Dakotans exist in Hiberspace.  The inner consciousness becomes completely unaware of the outside world and instead operates in a sort of euphoric dream state.  Awash in endorphins and dopamine from the excessive casserole intake, the human mind drifts along blissfully for months in order to survive the harshness of reality.  It’s really quite extraordinary.

FMO:  So, you’re saying we’re essentially bears?  Big, lumbering, loopy, grinning bears?

JK:  Well, that’s one way to look at it.  The point is that Hiberspace is an incredibly exciting discovery.  Just imagine the possibilities!  If humans can evolve to the point where they can find happiness in such utterly ridiculous living conditions as the bleak, frozen tundra of North Dakota, then theoretically true Nirvana should be a snap for say, a Floridian.  It’s all about tapping into that magical sweet spot between hopelessness and denial.  Therein lies true happiness.

FMO:  And, apparently, a casserole.

JK:  Indeed.

FMO:  Indeed.

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Contributing writer since February, 2014.