Russian 2014 Olympics To Be Celebration Of Gayness

When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

When you think Russia, think Gay Rights

Sochi, Russia – As a strong sign to the international community that Russia is becoming more open and friendly, Russian leaders have let it be known that the upcoming 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi will, in part, be a giant gay pride celebration.

Ever since Sochi was chosen back on July 4, 2007 by the International Olympics Committee to be the site of the 2014 Winter Games, the Russian government has been working hard to be more sensitive to the gay lifestyle and to make gay athletes from all countries feel welcomed in Mother Russia.

All competitors are encouraged to wear rainbow colors while at the Russian games. The Sochi International Airport will have hundreds of rainbow flags (as seen in the picture) displayed to welcome gay and lesbian athletes from Austria to Zimbabwe.

Mr. Igor Kuznetsov, who heads the Russian Olympics Preparations Committee says to “think of the Sochi 2014 Winter Games as Russia’s giant coming out party for gay rights and the gay lifestyle in general. If Liberace was still alive, he probably would have been playing for our opening ceremonies.”

As another sign of good will, the Russian government is considering the temporary release of the imprisoned members of the all-female punk band “Pussy Riot” and having them perform at the Olympics. Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Adele, and Sir Paul McCartney all have indicated that this would truly be a loud and positive message “From Russia With Love” to the rest of the world.

Obama To Take Over Leno’s Tonight Show

Obama will be the new permanent host of the Tonight Show

Obama will be the new permanent host of the Tonight Show

Burbank, CA – In a surprise move, NBC has announced that President Obama will take over for Jay Leno as host of the Tonight Show.

Jimmy Fallon was slated to be the next host of the show but those plans have “gone out the window”.

NBC executives speaking under strict conditions of anonymity (Bruce Devlin and Shirley Jarvis) basically said during a short press conference that the government is taking over the show.

President Obama will be the new permanent show host. Members of his cabinet or any of his various czars will fill in as needed when the President is out of the country or busy playing golf.

As for Jimmy Fallon, his comment to all this was: “I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was damn good at it.”

The President’s spokesman is saying that as soon as President Obama takes the show over, it will be produced at the White House. You can expect a long line of Democratic guests, especially as we get closer to the 2014 and 2016 elections.

craigslist for stupid people

What The Fuck Is Wrong With Craigslist

craigslist for stupid people

For the past two months I have had the displeasure of using craigslist to find another car since I sold my other one.  Unfortunately it’s the only option I have because all the other sites are filled with dealers and I don’t want none of that.

What I have run into during my craigslist adventures is nothing short of amazing.  In fact, after all the wtf’s I have run into on craigslist, I almost donated my computer to my dog and called it quits on the internet for good.

What could make you do such a thing?  It couldn’t have been that bad?  Yes.  Yes it was and here’s why.

 

ALL CAPS

Nobody told this sad sack that nobody likes reading anything in ALL CAPS.  Even when you’re typing in all caps you should at some point realize that this isn’t the way to go about things.  Posting in all caps isn’t going to sell your piece of shit any faster.  I’m going to think you’re a big idiot and go onto the next ad.

 

Salvage Titles

This one really gets under my skin.  People who don’t disclose salvage titles in their ad or on the phone!  Seriously, how dumb can some of these people be?  Not only that, these dimwits are listing salvaged title vehicles at full price!  Is this the norm these days?  Are people buying this shit?  Here’s one example.  Called a guy about a car I was interested in and setup a time to go see it.  I go and look at the car and decide I’m going to buy it.  I was about to pay a guy with cash for the car until he gave me the title.  Boom!  Title states that it is salvaged!  At no point did this shit-for-brains tell me it was a salvaged car.  He even said, “Well every car has been fixed at some point.”  I so badly wanted to kick him in the nuts right then and there.  What a complete waste of my time.  If this is you, run into a brick wall head first please or run in front of a bus.

 

“In Excellent Condition”

So this is pretty basic stuff here.  I think the majority of us understand what “In Excellent Condition” means right?  Apparently I’m wrong.  One instance, this shithead who should have been born a worm and not a human, listed his vehicle as in excellent condition.  Well, when I went to look at it it was anything but.  This car was a big pile of shit.  I’m not even going to go into how it certainly wasn’t in excellent condition because I’d like my blood pressure to stay at a healthy level.  Another one I looked at had very bad hail damage but you couldn’t see it in the picture nor did the guy state that in his ad.  Another sad sack who should have been born a worm.

 

Dealers Posting In Owners Section

This is another one that really gets me.  I don’t know if they think they are being tricky or just assholes but I have run into so many dealers posting in the owners section.  I search by owners only so I don’t have to deal with these dealer assholes.  I looked at about three different cars listed in the Owners Only section who ended up being dealers!  If I wanted to go to a dealer and pay dealer prices I would.  I didn’t search OWNERS ONLY for DEALERS.  Get it?  If you come across these morons, please start flagging their posts.

 

Flippers

Anyone can be a dealer these days.   I ran into a couple people who simply buy cars at the auction, don’t do a damn thing to them, and then try and sell the piece of shit to you.  After buying the car, they can clear all engine codes (which they do) to make it look like a good running car.  Unbeknownst to the future buyer, they find themselves with a car that has engine problems.  This happens all the time.  That is why it’s imperative you look over the car good before buying.  All because of these assholes.

 

Clean?

This is one of the very basic principles of selling a car.  CLEAN IT!  I can’t even count on my hands the filthy vehicles I have run into.  These people somehow don’t know that it’s common decency to clean your filthy pile of shit before trying to sell it to someone.  It’s just a nice thing to do.  I don’t want to buy a car then have to spend two days cleaning your filthy dog hair out or your boogers from the seats.  CLEAN THE DAMN CAR YOU FILTHY ANIMAL.

 

Not Listing Miles

One of the two most important things you want to know about a car are it’s miles and if it has any rust.  These jackasses will post an ad and specifically not list the miles but they will sure let you know that it has high miles by stating ‘ALL HIGHWAY MILES’ ‘HIGH MILES’ or just nothing at all.  Post the miles there lamb chop.  Your sleezy way of not posting the miles is NOT going to make me call you.  I’m instead going to skip your stupid ad in the hopes that you get stuck with your pile of shit with high miles forever.

 

Posting Your Ad In A Different City

This his HIGHLY ANNOYING.  Keep your damn car ad in the same city that it’s located in.  When I search by city, I expect the car to be located in that city.  Not four fucking hours away.  Jack…….ass.  Oh, and if you do keep posting in other cities, you better drive the damn car to the city I live it or meet me halfway if I want to look at it.

 

In conclusion, if you are any of these people, either get your shit together or step away from the internet and don’t ever come back.

 

Fargo Man Charged With Felony Stupidity For ‘Reply All’ Email

Freaking-OutFargo, ND – Office Police have formally charged Mr. Kenneth Noisewater with a class A felony in stupidity after his inadvertent ‘reply all’ to a company email.

Noisewater allegedly hit the ‘reply all’ button instead of a normal ‘reply’ after a mass email requesting an attendance head count to a company BBQ was sent out. Here is a transcript of Noisewater’s boneheaded maneuver:

 

From: Kenneth Noisewater

Sent: Monday, July 23 2013

To: All Company Employees, Human Resources

Subject: Re: COMPANY BBQ

 

I will be attending the BBQ this Thrusday. Thx

Kenneth Noisewater, esq

 

———————————————————————————————————————————-

Wow. Not only did Kenneth hit ‘reply all’, but he also gifted the ENTIRE COMPANY with a typographical error (see: Thrusday). Doofus. Spell check much?? Not to mention the use of the selfishly abbreviated Thanks (see: Thx). I hope the Office Gestapo comes down on him hard during sentencing after he’s convicted of Felony Stupidity.

White Man To Marry Black Bear

Ted & Barry ask: Please bear with us as we join our lives together.

Ted & Barry ask: Please bear with us as we join our lives together.

Beartown, Pennsylvania – When Barry Ambrose was growing up as a young boy, he loved his stuffed black Teddy Bear. Unfortunately, that original Teddy Bear was suddenly lost when his family’s home went up in flames.

That loss was almost more that Barry could bear. But his love of bears never left him over the years.

As a grown man, Barry set out on a wilderness adventure loaded for bear. He was as hungry as a bear to find a grown-up replacement for his youthful friend.

Now bear in mind, most folks are looking to get away from large black bears. But Barry Ambrose kept hoping that his search would eventually bear some fruit.

One day, when he was just about to give up hope, he finally found what he was looking for. It was truly love at first bite.

Barry and Ted met in an angelic open meadow full of colorful flowers and fluttering butterflies. After they greeted each other with a large bear hug, they continued to frolic in the forest for a fortnight.

Not long after that, they were making plans to get married. Pastor Toni Thompson, who is going to be performing the wedding ceremony, said the two have a very special connection and their own way of communicating with one another.

Even though many friends expressed reservations about a white man marrying a black bear, Barry said they decided to not just grin and bear it, but to smile and do it.

Barry explains: “It’s always a special feeling to fall in love, especially when you’re being pursued by a bear. What I love about Ted is his unpredictability.”

After they were able to bear the brunt of much initial strong criticism from friends and family, they have plans for a large outdoor wedding, followed by a honeymoon in Yellowstone National Park. During the winter, they both will probably hibernate for a few months.

Google To Image Inside Of All Homes

Google Home-View coming to your place

Google Home-View coming to your place

Mountain View, CA – Google recently announced that their controversial Street-View cameras will soon be coming into your home. Ready or not, your home or apartment will have a Google Home-View camera probe and document your personal dwelling space.

This stunning announcement came from the main Googleplex campus near San Jose, California. Google spokesperson Rosemary Belch said: “Think of this as a colonoscopy of your home.”

With state-of-the-art equipment, a Google Home-View representative with a back-mounted 9-directional digital camera will enter your home unannounced.

By law, you must allow the Google representative to enter your residence. Heat-sensing lenses will show them if anyone is trying to hide inside the home. If your house or apartment is unattended, they will enter on their own, with a universal key.

Once inside, they will quickly send high-definition panoramic pictures of your entire living space up to one of many orbiting Google satellites. Some selected homes will be photographed in 3-D images.

Ms. Belch explained: “Since the Street-View cameras already have the outside of your home, now with the addition of complete Home-View images, the entire world will not only know where you live, but also how you live.”

The uses for the Home-View images will be endless, claims Google. Everyone from law enforcement to insurance companies to potential burglars will benefit from seeing a panoramic tour of your living place.

If you happen to be at home when your Home-View imaging is being done, you are asked to simply sit in your favorite chair and smile for the cameras.

AMANDA BYNES Meltdown

Amanda Bynes Meltdown Going Along Smoothly

AMANDA BYNES MeltdownMonday night, Amanda Bynes made a little campfire over the weekend.  What’s wrong with that you ask?  Well, it was on a random persons driveway and in a retirement community.  Totally normal.

After police arrived, they determined she needed to be on 5150 hold.  Presumably after Amanda Bynes gave them very normal and coherent answers.  Just kidding.  Her answers were so wacky she needed to be involuntarily hospitalized to get mentally evaluated.  Totally normal.

If you haven’t been following, Amanda Bynes is having a meltdown.  She has a lot of competition though if she wants to be the best of the best on celebrity meltdowns.  I mean, she has to compete with the likes of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Charlie Sheen.  This is no easy task.

Amanda Bynes is going to have to step up her game if she wishes to stand out in celebrity meltdowns.  Lighting campfires on random peoples driveways isn’t going to cut it.

Stay tuned as the © Amanda Bynes Meltdown saga is surely to develop.

FM Observer Wins Best Website Award

FM Observer Wins Award

FM Observer Wins Award

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it has been selected to receive the prestigious Best Website Award. This amazing award came with a short note from the selection committee: “For continuously raising the bar for other websites to meet, we bestow this top award to the FM Observer. May you continue to thrive and lead by example for generations to come. Congratulations on a job well done!”

Obviously, this award came as a shock to us. On the Richter scale, this would be right up there with O.J. selling his Heisman trophy. “We’ve won some other minor awards before but never anything like this!” said a random staff member who was jumping for joy on his desk. “It’s amazing to see so many people all laughing and crying at the same time” said another.

A top team manager put it this way as she popped open a cheap bottle of champagne: “With a staff of over a hundred associates, it just goes to show what can be accomplished with a little hocus focus and a lot of elbow grease. We would mostly like to thank our readers and fans for their loyalty and also our parents for all of their unsolicited feedback.”

Our President and CEO, who wishes to remain anonymous for tax reasons, believes that since this award is the result of everyone’s contributions, from the managers and team leaders down to the translators and proof-readers, this award will be shared equally by all. Just like the Stanley Cup, the trophy will travel from home to home of everyone who helped make this possible. After it makes the rounds, it will finally come to rest in a special trophy case in the lobby area of our main corporate campus headquarters office building, right next to the coffee fountain.