Gary Clark Dancing With The Stars West Fargo

Gary Clark To Be On The Next Season Of Dancing With The Stars

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Gary Clark Dancing With The Stars West FargoWest Fargo, ND – In October 2012, Gary Clark made the decision to follow his heart and stepped down as the West Fargo High School principal to pursue his river dancing career.

Read the story here.

Since then, Gary Clark has been traveling around the world blowing audiences’ minds with his unique and remarkable river dancing talents.

Those talents have paid off as Mr. Clark has been chosen to be on season 17 of Dancing With The Stars.  It is a remarkable accomplishment as Mr. Clark is the first river dancer to ever be featured on the show.  He is also the first contestant from the city of Fargo.

 

“I’m excited to show the world what river dancers are capable of.  I’m not all about tapping my feet.  I can move like a swift gazelle!”

Gary Clark has recently completed the U.S. Riverdance Tour and has been teaching private and party lessons since the tour ended.

“There is no downtime for me.  I have so much energy!  My dance students will miss me while I’m off doing the show but they will be ok.  I’m coming home with a win!”

As with his river dancing, we can surely expect Gary Clark to take the Dancing With The Stars stage by storm.  He is at the top of the talent crop.

Gary Clark promises to represent Fargo with pride.

Semi Loses Control On I-94 In West Fargo

Semi Loses Control On I-94 In West Fargo

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Semi Loses Control On I-94 In West FargoWest Fargo, ND – After 12:30 yesterday afternoon, a semi heading west on 1-94 was exiting the West Fargo exit ramp when it rolled.

Police are still investigating what happened but would like to note that the semi did indeed somehow roll.  Thankfully the driver wasn’t left at the wreck but was taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries.

The driver was likely going from Point A to Point B.  My best bet would be he lost of control of the semi which made it roll.  Sadly, the semi was most likely not a Transformer.  A Transformer would be able to transition into it’s robot self before sustaining any damage in a measly rollover.

As of today, no Transformers have been located in Fargo.  We are glad the driver has non-life threatening injuries and wish him a speedy recovery.

Washington Redskins

Washington Redskins Name Change Contest

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redskinsPX1Washington, DC – Well, it looks like the home of Political Correctness is about to get a dose of its own medicine.

The name Washington Redskins, which goes back to 1937, has now become the latest target of easily-offended language censors. What was just another famous name of a loved professional sports team has now become derogatory and racist, according to some D.C. Council members.

If the name is going to be changed, some fans are advocating keeping the “Red” and changing the “Skins”. Some of the top choices in this group are, the Washington: RedNecks, Red Meats, Red Hots, Red Eyes, Red Peppers, Red Wines, and Red Apples.

For those who would rather see the “Red” changed and keep the “Skins”, the Washington: Pigskins, Sheepskins, Buckskins, Foreskins, Coonskins and Deerskins.

Finally, there is a third group wanting the new name to still begin with “Red” and have the word “Skins”, such as the: Washington Red Skinheads, or Washington Red Potato Skins.

D.C. Council member David Grosso would love to hear from you on this issue. Feel free to call him at 202-724-8105, or you can email him at dgrosso@dccouncil.us

You can also contact either:

Muriel Bowser at 202-724-8052 (mbowser@dccouncil.us) or

Kenyan McDuffie at 202-724-8028 (kmcduffie@dccouncil.us)

who are both totally down with David’s idea of making a name change.

Let any of these fine public servants know which name you would favor as the new politically correct name for the offensive Washington Redskins. If the name you vote for is picked, you may qualify to win season tickets to see the Washington Rednecks, or perhaps the Washington Coonskins!

Many Restaurants Starting To Go Glutton-Free

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gluttonfree1px1Fargo, ND – A trend that may have started down in Mississippi is starting to take root in Fargo, North Dakota. Many eating establishments in the Fargo area are on the verge of going Glutton-Free.

The idea is to help the obese by disallowing them from entering restaurants. This would also make it much more pleasant for all the other patrons who have chosen to go eat out.

Justin David Pepperstone, who is currently president of the Fargo Restaurant Operators Group (FROG) explains that “just as folks don’t want to have to be seated next to an extremely fat person on a four hour airplane flight, neither do they want to watch a glutton excessively gorge themselves at the table next to theirs when out for a quiet romantic dinner”.

Mr. Pepperstone also mentioned a biblical Proverb in defense of FROG’s decision: “Be not among drunkards or among gluttonous eaters of meat, for the drunkard and the glutton will come to poverty, and slumber will clothe them with rags.”

How will you be able to identify which restaurants have gone Glutton-Free? Just look for the places that have installed newly designed Glutton-Free narrow doors. If you can fit through the door, you are Glutton-Free.

Slowpitch Softball Guy

Friendly Reminders For The Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

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Slowpitch Softball GuySoftball season is upon us.  That means run-ins with softball guy.  You know, the guy who tries too hard playing in recreational adult slowpitch softball leagues.  The guy who takes things WAY too seriously.  The guy who thinks he is one hit away from getting signed professionally.

 

 

Here are some friendly reminders for that Professional Recreational Slowpitch Softball Guy

1.  It’s just a game.

2.  You are not Babe Ruth.

3.  There are no scouts in the bleachers looking to recruit you.

4.  You do not play for the Twins nor are they interested in you.

5.  There is no need to own more than 5 bats.

6.  It is unnecessary to argue with the umpire after every play.  You’re just an asshole.

7.  Your teammates do not appreciate your constant ‘advice’ and ‘tips’.

8.  There IS more to life than recreational softball.

9.  Practicing in a batting cage 5 months before softball season is a waste of time and money.

10.  If playing co-ed, it’s kind of a dick move running over the female catcher so you can score.

11.  Just because you’re team captain doesn’t mean you get to play every minute of the game, play any position you want, and put yourself in the batting order 6 times.

12.  Your teammates don’t appreciate the 11 p.m phone call the night before a game asking them if they are psyched for tomorrow.

13.  Playing on 5 different softball teams is a bit much.

14.  It should not take you anymore than 6 seconds to get ready at the plate. It’s slow pitch softball.  Keyword: SLOW

15.  Stepping away from the plate after already spending 10 seconds getting ready so you have even more time to get ready to hit the ball is FORBIDDEN.

16.  It’s considered weird if you have 5 years of softball statistics saved.  Even weirder if you frame them.

17.  Don’t get pissed if your teammate decides to not kill himself by diving halfway over the fence to spoil a home run.

18. Don’t forget to bring a towel!

19.  It’s not ok to grunt after every swing.  It makes people wonder if there is something wrong with you (which there probably is).

20.  It’s not ok to fight the other team.

21.  Purposely taking walks is not cool.  Swing the bat there, Babe Ruth.

22.  If you literally look like a professional baseball player (eye paint, pants, 2 gloves, shirt, socks, arm bands, full blown under armor gear under your clothes, etc….), you’re out there for the wrong reasons and should just put the bat down and go home.

 

If you ever do run into ‘softball guy’ just simply ask them one question and one question only, “Why don’t you go pro?”

Fargo Man Forgot How to Golf, It’s Been So Long

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2011-05-07_1512Fargo, ND—The F-M area has finally broken through to springtime after enduring the longest extended winter in its storied history. The cold is on its way out and the golf clubs are too.

Now that most of the icy cobwebs have finally melted into nothing, many of our local golf courses have opened their grounds.

This comes as good news to Chrot Hicks, if only he could understand why. It seems that once upon a time in a past life, Hicks occupied this vast acreage of mowed green grass. The ancient sport of golf was played.

“If I can properly recall…I used to use something called a ‘putter’ and tap a small white orb into an equally small hole in the ground. To the best of my knowledge, that was how I did golf.”

Hicks went on to explain how he couldn’t remember what he did with his “putter” or the rest of his metal hitting sticks he used to play with on the course. He suspects that they disintegrated into nothingness due to the scientific process of sublimation that occurs to solids over very, very long periods of time.

New Barcode Causing Nausea & Vertigo

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ILLUSION3Barco, NC – The international governing body for barcodes recently unveiled its latest 21st century technology. However, many unprepared shoppers and store workers are already having some serious problems when seeing the new product ID images. Numerous instances of severe dizziness and stomach sickness have been reported to store managers. (Click on the image at the top left of this article, if you dare, to see if you are one of those affected.)

The original barcodes, which were represented by varying widths and spaces of parallel lines, were one-dimensional. Most people don’t know (or care) that the first “bar” codes were inspired by the obsolete Morse Code system used back in the old cowboy telegraph days. Then, two-dimensional product codes came along which appeared like funky geometric patterns.

Barcode-ologist, Neil Brownie of the Pugh Research Center, said that these new 3-D universal product codes were designed for machines, not people. “We are telling people to not look at these barcodes, unless you possibly want to experience a sensation of light-headedness and a feeling of being ‘spaced out’, which many teenagers these days are seeking. We have even seen some older folks lose their balance and fall over while shopping due to the imbalance and unsteadiness caused by looking at these new product codes.”

Dr. Melvin McNoodle has spent his entire life studying the phenomenon of Visual Dizziness. As he sat in his seemingly spinning office during a challenging interview, he explained that “the eyes intermittently send confused impulses to the brain, which then sends out equally confusing orders to the muscle groups in the body, which in turn can cause vertigo, sweating, nausea, vomiting, and slurred speech…much like going out on a first date with the girl of your dreams.”

In the name of technological advancements, shop with caution from now on, lest you should unexpectedly come upon one of these new 3-D barcodes from hell, and possibly end up on your back in some spinning hospital room.

{For more information on this important subject, Google the word: Nystagmus}

Peyton Manning to Tim Tebow: “Cut That Meat!”

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Peyton ManningNew York, NY – As many in the NFL landscape are being made aware today, the New York Jets have finally released freed the chosen one, Tim Tebow. Tebow, upon hearing the news of his release, had this to say:

“I’m always interested in helping the team win in any way that I can. If it’s not for the Jets, maybe it will be with Whole Foods. I hear they have a thriving deli department these days and it would be an honor to join their system.”

Peyton Manning, having been the first veteran to supplant the Chosen One after being signed by Denver, was surprisingly available for comment:

“I wish Timmy all the best in his new endeavors as deli meat handler. CUT THAT MEAT! CUT THAT MEAT! Haha! No, seriously, Tim. Great job last year during those few snaps. We’ll be cheering for you, bud.”

Manning then proceeded to kneel down while placing his fist on his forehead in a sort of mocking gesture to the celebration of “Tebowing”. The official announcement and press conference is scheduled for 3 p.m. EST.