New device streamlines ignoring calls and texts

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MetaWatch

MetaWatch

Las Vegas, NV – One of the big reveals at last week’s Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas was a revolutionary new smartphone device. The device is considered an application as it works in conjunction with the iPhone to alert you of incoming calls/texts/notifications. Not in the way you’re thinking, however. This new type of “app” comes not in the form of software for the iPhone, but in the form of hardware! Yes, MetaWatch smart watch pushes incoming iPhone alerts via bluetooth directly to your wrist!

The innovators at MetaWatch kept the importance of ignoring alerts in mind when they created this device. Today’s young adult is constantly on-the-go with meetings, appointments and other important events so saving time is of the essence. MetaWatch helps answer the important question: What could we do to circumvent the prompt answering of texts and calls? Bingo! We can separate the notification from the actual device so we can screen calls without even touching the phone. 

Let’s be honest–are we not having to touch the iPhone to properly address the notification anyway, thus actually rendering MetaWatch as a slight inconvenience? Yes, but initial hipster reaction has still been very positive:

“It’s just easier than switching screens on the phone I’m already staring at all day.”

This innovative new hardware is poised to streamline the ignoring of calls and texts. Neglect incoming inquiries faster than ever before with METAWATCH.

Lunatics Banned From Washington DC

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Former pugilist Hairy Reid

Washington, DC – Back in December of 2012, Congress temporarily set aside its gridlock in an unusual bipartisan effort to ban the word ‘lunatic’ from all federal legislation. The new law was designed to remove outdated or demeaning language from existing US code.

The word “lunatic” had become politically incorrect since it was insensitive to werewolves or anyone descended from werewolves. It derives from “Luna”, the Latin word for moon, and “Tic”, the nervous twitch often associated with crazy people.

One of the sponsors of the measure was North Dakota Senator Kent Conrad. He believes that federal law should reflect modern science, and that we should no longer refer to lunatics as lunatics. As their solution, the old derogatory word is to be replaced with either: Moon Units, Idiots, Mental Midgets, or Progressives.

The House of Representatives voted 398-1 in support of the bill, after the Senate approved the motion back in May. After passing both houses of Congress, the bill could then be passed on to President Obama for his auto-pen signature.

Interestingly, the one “no” vote came from a Texas lunatic who had the crazy idea that Congress should spend its time on more important matters, such as trying to prevent the entire country from going over a fiscal cliff.

In a related effort, the Senate is considering trying to pass a new rule that would essentially ban any former comedians from becoming members of the United States Senate. The honourable Senator Al Franken’s initial reaction to this was, “What, is this some kind of joke or something?”

Jamaal Franklin of San Diego State Says He Isn’t a Ball Hog.

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Jamaal Franklin Passes To Himself and Then Dunks It

Jamaal Franklin, a 6-5 guard at San Diego State got a score and an assist from the same dunk.  This all happened because ball hog Jamaal passed to himself via bouncing it off the backboard and then proceeds to dunk it.  San Diego State went on to beat Fresno State by 65-62.

Some people are talking about dunk of the year.  I say ‘No way man!’  Although cool, this man should be awarded the BALL HOG OF THE YEAR award.

I’m not a ball hog. Not one bit. People pass to themselves all the time. Everyone wasn’t paying attention during this play. Actually nobody pays attention during any game and it just happens to be me having the ball at all times.  I’m not a ball hog brah. ~ Jamaal Franklin

 

Valley News Live Coverage Of Sitting Buses Leaves Anchors Struggling To Fill Time

Valley News Live Coverage Of Sitting Buses Leaves Anchors Struggling To Fill Time

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Fargo, ND – After the NDSU Bison football team slaughtered Sam Houston State University, they made their way back to good ol’ Fargo, North Dakota.  Good for them, not so good for the news anchors who had to sit there and fill time on live television.

I understand.  I couldn’t sit there with a straight face while only being given video shots of empty parked buses.  I’d totally bomb as well as everyone else in the country.  After watching this, I’m almost positive they went home, crawled under the kitchen table, and cried themselves to sleep vowing never to get into that situation again.  But, with all that said, there is nothing better then seeing news anchors squirm to fill time.  The unfortunate news anchors, Audrey Dahlgren and Amy Unrau, deserve some drinks and dinner for the hell they had to endure.

 

NDSU Bison scared Sam Houston

Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison

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Bison-itis

Huntsville, TX – The Sam Houston BearKat football players are not sleeping well these days. After their nationally televised 39-13 humiliation by the North Dakota State University Bison, many of their squad members are reporting being haunted by recurring bad dreams. These nightly nightmares involve being chased by a large group of angry, stampeding bison.

Losing two consecutive national championships to the same team is apparently taking its toll. It’s now being referred to as “Bisonitis”.

The Sam Houston University school nurse says she’s never seen anything like it. “These boys are really messed up” says Nurse Ratchit.

Some of the players, who wished to maintain total anonymity, expressed their desire to never have to play the Bison again. One player said: “Just imagine, having a recurring dream about being stampeded, by a herd of angry buffalo.” The girlfriend of another player sadly confided: “My boyfriend, who plays on the BearKat football team, is no longer the same person that he used to be before their big loss.”

And it’s not just the football players that are affected, but also the coaches, some university teachers, and the general SHU student body. The head of the psychology department thinks they might need to bus in counselors to their campus that have special training in sports-related mental trauma.

Taylor Swift I Knew You Were Trouble Terrible Song Lyrics

Terrible Song Lyrics of The Week – Taylor Swift (I Knew You Were Trouble) – 01/13/2013

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Taylor Swift I Knew You Were Trouble Terrible Song LyricsThis weeks terrible song lyrics of the week are from Taylor Swifts song I Knew You Were Trouble.  It is from her fourth studio album, Red (2012). It was released on October 9, 2012, in the United States by Big Machine Records as the third promotional single from the album.

Which part of the lyrics are terrible you ask?  ALL OF THEM and here is why.

After going through her lyrics I was wondering if I should call the police or not.  After reading the first part of her lyrics..

Once upon time
A few mistakes ago
I was in your sights
You got me alone
You found me
You found me
You found me

I thought “OH NO!  Taylor Swift has been raped before!  Or kidnapped!  I don’t know which one but it sure sounds like the beginning of a raping or kidnapping!”

Then..

I guess you didn’t care
And I guess I liked that
And when I fell hard
You took a step back
Without me, without me, without me

Sounds like he then hits her.  To pull off a successful kidnap or rape you need to hit something and apparently it was Taylor Swift and she liked it.

And he’s long gone
When he’s next to me
And I realize the blame is on me

She says he is long gone now so now I’m suspecting a rape at this point because to kidnap you need to bring the kidnapee with you.  I’m still confused but then..

Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
Now i’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

FUCK!  Ok now I’m suspecting a kidnapping again because now he is flying her to places she has never been.  Solid kidnap move.

No apologies
He’ll never see you cry
Pretend he doesn’t know
That he’s the reason why
You’re drowning, you’re drowning, you’re drowning

Just completely lost at this point.  The rest of the lyrics go on.

And I heard you moved on
From whispers on the street
A new notch in your belt
Is all I’ll ever be
And now I see, now I see, now I see
He was long gone
When he met me
And I realize the joke is on me

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
Now i’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

When your sadest fear comes creeping in
That you never loved me or her or anyone or anything
Yeah

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
So you put me down oh
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
So shame on me now
Flew me to places i’d never been
Now i’m lying on the cold hard ground
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble
Oh, oh, trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble
I knew you were trouble when you walked in
Trouble, trouble, trouble!

My conclusion is that this is a raping/kidnapping/but not really…kind of thing.  If Taylor Swift wouldn’t be such a drama queen she would have just gotten to the point at the beginning of the song and not fucked around.

So this leaves everyone around the world wondering, IS THIS A RAPING OR A KIDNAPPING TAYLOR SWIFT?!?!?!? WHICH IS IT?!?

 

KVRR Fox of Fargo-Moorhead Weather Reporter Says What?

KVRR Fox of Fargo-Moorhead Weather Reporter Says What?

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Fargo, ND – Imagination time.

Late one evening I was sitting on my couch completely nude, besides my long white socks, and enjoying a nice warm cup of tea.  I was hours into reviewing quantum mechanics equations (I do this for my own amusement) and wondering when I should tell the world that I built a working time machine.

In between these thoughts I decided to take a small break from solving world problems, one time travel trip at a time, and it was then I turned the channel to KVRR FOX of Fargo-Moorhead to check the weather.  Right at that moment I stumbled upon the weatherman mispronouncing the city of “Cut Bank.”  Now to my ears it sounds like he is about to say “Cum Bank” but the call is entirely up to you.  Seems the weatherman had other things on his mind?

 

Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

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Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax

Kook or Visionary?

Hollywood, CA – World famous movie star and maverick is adamant that Scientology is not a hoax. Our affiliate Hollywood reporter, Tojo Saxton, has some interesting new information about all this.

FMO: Tojo, what’s going on out there?!

TJ: Well, as one of Scientology’s top gun leaders, Tom Cruise feels so strongly about this whole matter that he will soon be launching a bus tour called the “Not A Hoax” Cruise Bus. It’s slated to hit all 57 states, and bring convincing evidence to the people that Scientology is definitely not a hoax.

FMO: What sparked this whole bus tour concept?

TJ: Tom Cruise is very passionate when it comes to this subject. He believes that people who choose to speak out against Scientology “don’t know didley squat”. He does admit that the infamous South Park episode really hurt his church, especially the part that explained “This is what Scientologists actually believe”.

FMO: Do you have any details about the cruise bus?

TJ: Yes. Apparently the bus will be fully equipped to help Tom in his quest to demonstrate that Scientology is for real. Tom and his staff will be able to analyze prospective new members and get them signed up. At that point, Tom usually recites his famous phrase, “Show me the money!”, as Scientology is far from free. Mr. Cruise believes that by proving his system of religious beliefs is not a hoax, many folks will want to begin their own personal Scientological journey, if you will.

FMO: Thanks, Tojo!

Tojo Saxton has a Masters degree in Celebrity Studies from UCS (University of Celebrity Studies in California) and has been a latent affiliate reporter for FMO since OJ was locked up.

Bison VS Sam Houston State FCS Championship

Thousands of NDSU Fans Lost In Frisco Texas

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Bison VS Sam Houston State FCS ChampionshipFargo, ND – On the horizon lays North Dakota State’s attempt at an FCS championship three-peat.

Thousands of Bison fans have flocked to Frisco Texas the past few days via trains, plains, automobiles, boats, snowmobiles, 4 wheelers, bus, and fighter jets.  But, there is one thing someone forgot to bring: directions.

All bison fans who have already arrived have been roaming the streets of Frisco, Texas completely lost and confused.

Our reporter on scene stated, “The streets of Frisco are complete madness right now!  People covered in Bison gear head-to-toe are wandering and stumbling around the entire town.  They appear to be drunk and asking anyone they can where the game is.  Some have been seen running with their shirts off yelling that it’s so hot out.”

Apparently nobody remembered to bring directions and they are too drunk by this point to either look them up on their phone or find a computer.

Our reporter reached an NDSU fan for comment, “Ohh  oh yeah!  Bissson baby!  Hey, yeah hey you, you know where, where the game is even at?  Because I, I don’t, don’t know.  Would you like a beer?”  He then continued to stumble around looking for the “stadium.”

Our reporter did indeed give a couple sober fans directions so you can rest assured the stadium will be filled with green and gold tomorrow.

So, when you’re watching the game tomorrow, thank the FM Observer for getting all our fans there.