Doctors Believe If You Can Live Long Enough You Might Be Able To Live Forever

Live long enough to live forever.

Stanford, CA Would you like to live forever? What if you had the option of not aging?

Medical researchers now think that if you can live another 3050 years, you might be able to live as long as you want without ever growing old.

Recent exciting advances in the two areas of Telomere Extension and Genomic Editing are coming together to suggest that the aging process may be able to be controlled enough to never die.

However, once we reach that point, you will still have to worry about getting shot by a person who should not have a gun, and also the more likely scenario of getting hit by a distracted driver.

Let The FM Observer Help Express Your Love On Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day = Love Day :o)

Heartland, USA – Valentine’s Day is the favorite holiday here at our FM Observer corporate office park.

This is true because it’s not only a day of flowers and chocolates but also of overt expressions of love.

We pride ourselves each year in providing the community with some new and innovative ways for you to tell your Valentine how much you love them.

Here are this year’s Top Ten Valentine’s Day quotations that you can use when writing your card, sending flowers, or whispering sweet nothings by candlelight:

♥ I love you despite your obvious flaws.
♥ Love makes the earth spin and causes it to warm.
♥ Happiness is loving your lovely lover who loves you.
♥ Valentine’s Day is the best of the secondary holidays.
♥ If we hadn’t met, we’d each probably have another.
♥ There’s a reason a rose has sharp thorns.
♥ You turned my nightmare into a daydream.
♥ Thanks for not giving up on me early on.
♥ Rising and falling in love has its ups and downs.
♥ Love is like a great margarita during happy hour.

Top Ten Winter Words North Dakotans Are Getting Really Sick Of

Fargoans have really gotten to hate the word Arctic.

Fargo, ND – Our FM Observer reporters fanned out across the region to knock on doors asking people what winter words they are getting most tired of hearing.

After doing so, we then empirically compiled the comprehensive list into a scientific study.

We believe it is totally scientific because we used the word empirical.

What follows is a scientific poll of the Top Ten words or phrases that people living in this region are getting really sick of hearing:

10. Winter Snowstorm
9. Frizzle
8. Alberta Clipper
7. Pre-Shoveling
6. Snownami*
5. Windchill Factor
4. Black Ice
3. Blizzard Warning
2. Polar Vortex
1. Arctic

* Snownami is the scientific word for the large ridge of snow left at the end of driveways after the street plows come by to do their due diligence.

Tie-Dyed Wind Chill Map Warms Hearts Of Former Hippies

Tie-Dye Wind-Chills :o)

Grand Forks, ND Some former hippies who now work for the National Weather Service believe one of their recent windchill maps hearkened back to tie-dyed shirts from days gone by.

Buzz Marley, assistant climatologist since 1970: “Wow, man. Like we got a lot of calls about this map, dude.”

Arlo Zappa, radar technician since Woodstock: “A lot of people really seemed to respond to the tie-dye nature of how we’re mapping the wind chill!”

Karma Krishna, chief meteorologist since the Grateful Dead died: “These tie-dye maps are really super cool, especially if you’re listening to music at the same time.”

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Being Pressured To Do The Moonwalk

Dance like Mike

Richmond, Virginia – After boasting that he won a dance contest in the 1980s by doing Michael Jackson’s famous moonwalk, leading Democratix are calling on Virginia’s governor Northam to do the moonwalk.

“We believe if his Excellency can indeed do the moonwalk like Michael Jackson, this will give some major credence to his nutcase that he can dance good enough to win a dance contest.”

Expert pundits agree across the board that if verificational veracity in the tangible form of an actual moonwalk performance by The Honorable Governor Ralph Northam is witnessed by all on live TV, then the rest of his cockamamy story may be true, so help him God.

Virginia’s Lieutenant Governor: “It is time to not just talk the talk, but rather we believe it is time for Ralph Northam to walk the walk, and in this particular case, we talkin’ the Moonwalk!”

‘Polar Vortex Pizza’ Delivers Your Fully Cooked Pizza Completely Frozen

We guarantee your pizza will be completely frozen by the time you get it.

Fargo, ND – Not real stoked about going out into the arcticly crazy super-cold windchill temperatures for supper?

Maybe you should just stay warm at home while ordering a pizza from Polar Vortex Pizza!

Their pizzas are great, and fully cooked in perfectly hot ovens, and then quickly delivered rock-hard frozen solid to your front door.

The flash-freezing process take only seconds and locks in all the wonderful goodness of your Polar Vortex Pizza!

Some customer feedback: “Yeah, Polar Vortex Pizzas are great, but don’t plan on eating them right away.”

Moorhead Man Modifies Microwave Oven To Quickly Clear Snow From His Driveway

Daddy, why don’t you just use that microwave oven to get rid of all the snow?

Moorhead, MN – After his daughter suggested the challenge, Wiman Moravec of North Moorhead attempted to tweak an older microwave oven to operate while open, in order to clear all the snow from their driveway.

After making some calculated modifications, Mr. Moravec and his daughter slowly moved the microwave oven around his driveway until all the snow had quickly “vaporized”.

Ironically, all the letters in Wiman Moravec can be microwaved to spell: Microwave Man!

New Fargo Bar/Lounge Called ‘The Peachflame’ To Exclusively Cater To Weird People

Calling all weird-ohs: Welcome to The Peachflame!

Downtown Fargo, ND – A 52nd liquor license has been granted for Downtown Fargo.

Proprietor Elwood Wierschem is planning on opening The Peachflame which will specifically cater to bona fide weird-ohs.

Mr. Wierschem in his own words: “If you’re truly a weird-oh in any sense of the word, then you are welcome at The Peachflame.

“And believe you me, you will feel very comfortable sipping your weird drinks amongst all the other weird-ohs who tend to congregate in the Downtown Fargo area.”

Weirdly, all the letters in Elwood Wierschem can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Weird Ohs Welcome!

Ringo Was The Most ‘Normal’ Of The Beatles

Paul, Ringo, John, George

Fargo, ND – While he was in Fargo recently, purchasing a home in the Dinglewood Heights area, the FM Observer had a chance to chat with Ritchie Starkey, a.k.a. Ringo Starr, drummer for The Beatles.

FMO: How would you compare yourself to the other Beatles?

RS: I honestly believe that I was the most normal and the most grounded of the group.

FMO: Why do think that?

RS: Well, George started playing sitar with his Eastern guru friends, Paul began puffing the magic dragon, and John was tripping with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

FMO: And what about you?

RS: My experiences as a youngster dealing with a number of different illnesses really humbled and grounded me, which is why I like the idea of having a home in Fargo.

FMO: Well, welcome to Fargo! Any general thoughts about your life as you look back?

RS: It’s just really quite amazing that I went from living in a sanatorium and playing drums in their hospital band to becoming a member of the Fab Four. It truly has been a long and winding road!

Abominable Snowman Comes To Fargo Area In Search Of Mate

Yeti or not, here he comes!

Fargo, ND Have you been wondering: Why is it so darn cold these days?

Answer: Yeti, the abominable snowman, has temporarily left the Arctic Circle long enough to hopefully find himself a mate.

Why now? Because this is the mating season of the abominable snowman, since our winter is actually his Spring.

Experts agree it’s no accident that the word climate is made up of the words: climb + mate.

Why Fargo? No one is quite sure but it’s believed that Yeti has gotten lucky here in the past.

Yetiologists believe that negative windchill factors are how Mr. Abominable attracts his mate. So, the stronger the attraction, the colder it feels.