Red River Diversion On Hold Due To Analysis Paralysis

November 20th, 2013 | by Johnnny
Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Diversion map to be made into quilt.

Red River Valley – After years of maps and meetings, officials are throwing their hands up and saying “Enough is enough!”

“We give up and need a fucking break from all this shit.” said Norman Assberger, chairman of the Diversion Research Information Project (DRIP).

“If one more person comes up to me in the grocery store and wants to talk about ‘The Diversion’, I swear my fist is going to land in their fracking face.” he continued.

With tensions building between opposing groups regarding where the Red River diversion should go, a past all-star wrestler/governor suggested having an alcohol-induced free-for-all brawl to reduce the level of animosity amongst former friends who now are on opposite sides of this polarizing issue.

Some are talking about the possibility of having a ‘Diversion to the Diversion’. This would translate into bringing in Shania’s Twain for a special series of concerts in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

At some participating retirement homes in the area, the map of the diversion project will be made into beautiful quilts in an effort to raise enough money so that members of the Diversion Committee can go on an extended vacation to some remote island and experience the relaxing effects of hot-stone massage therapy.

Professional mediator and website-ordained pastor Harry Bongmeister says that he has seen this type of situation before.

“Yeah, I seen this type of situation before, don’t cha know. Back when them there sugar beet union workers were locked outta that there one building. After too much stress, people just start to snap, crackle, and pop!”

“My professional advice would be: If ya don’t like the stress of being in the limelight no more, take that there lime and mix it with a generous portion of tequila, and propose a few margarita toasts to yourself, if ya know what I’m saying. It certainly works for me!”


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Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express.