Tag Archives: bismarck

New ND Governor’s Mansion Mistaken For Highway Rest Area By Many Travelers

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Many find the marble bathrooms in the new ND Governor’s Residence to be very nice.

Bizmark, ND – Whether planned or unplanned is not certain at this juncture, but North Dakota’s new Governor’s Mansion looks like a highway rest area to many driving by.

Many a weary traveler going across the state have stopped at the new Executive Residence recently built for North Dakota’s Governor and have walked in to use the main floor bathroom facilities.

Some have even snooped into the kitchen fridge and played the lobby piano before continuing on with their journey.

The architect for the Executive Mansion was unavailable for comment, however he did text us back adamantly asking that we never send him another text again.

Besides looking like a highway rest area, others have likened the Executive Palace to a secretive bilateral nuclear bomb test shelter site.

But since the taxpayers of North Dakota own it because we paid for it, feel free to continue to stop and use it as a highway rest area, but please, only play the piano if you’re a certified trained professional.

Heidi Heitkamp And Kevin Cramer Agree To Three UFC-Style Octagon Fights

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Will octagon fighting between candidates become the new normal? Tune in to find out.

Bismarck, ND – Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer, who are both fighting for the same Senate seat, will meet three times prior to the election in order to help undecided voters make their choice.

Their campaigns have agreed that these three meetings will each be a UFC-style fight held within a fenced octagon in which there basically are no rules.

North Dakota is possibly the first state to have their candidates engage in octagon fighting, instead of the normal (and boring) debate setting where they answer questions whilst standing at a podium and sip water for an hour.

These three exciting octagon fights between Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer are expected to be watched by people all across the country, not only because of the importance of the race but also because of the uniqueness of their encounters.

New Detention Centers Being Built Just For Distracted Drivers

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Welcome to our new Detention Facility where you can think long and hard about your distracted driving.

Bismarck, ND – With the huge surge in accidents caused by distracted drivers, lawmakers are responding with a draconian strengthening of punishments for those who choose to endanger others with their irresponsible negligence while behind the wheel of a vehicle.

The new Blacktomb Holding Center will house Level One first-time minor violators who will lose their driver’s licenses for one year while doing community service at either an autobody shop or a hospital, whichever one they hate most.

Level Two violators will be personally escorted to the new Rockwood Correctional Facility where they can do manual labor during the day for five years and spend the evenings watching videos of actual fatal crashes caused by distracted drivers.

Finally, for the Level Three felons who have caused horrific damage, they will have ten years to think about their bad behavior at the new Firevault Max Security Prison where they will be lucky to see the light of day or their families for the next ten years of pure hellaciousness.

ND Lawmakers Vote To Cut Their Own Pay And Always Wear Jeans

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North Dakota to wear jeans while making state legendary again.

Bismarck, ND – Following the new theme of reinventing government, North Dakota lawmakers have voted to cut their own pay by 15%.

“This will show the legendary people of North Dakota that we are serious about making North Dakota great again,” said a blue jeans-wearing caucus leader during an afternoon tea break.

The full legislative body also voted unanimously to make the wearing of blue jeans the new official state protocol pants when those who were elected to represent the people of North Dakota are in session to make North Dakota legendary again.

“We feel that blue jeans represent us rolling up our sleeves and trying to actually get some real work done for our constituents who are probably back home also wearing jeans in the towns and precincts that we represent,” said a senate leader who was working his lariat to rope up his caucus members for a chamber vote.

Legendary studies have also shown that people are way more productive and “just work better”, if you will, when they don’t have to wear a fracking suite and tie which are quite constrictive in more ways than one.

Yes, my friends, there is now a new feeling in Bismarck and throughout the rest of the legendary state of North Dakota that our best days are in front of us, if we all just stand arm-in-arm, singing in perfect harmony, while always wearing blue jeans…and a sweater.

Delegate To Sue Party Convention Because Nobody Would Caucus With Her

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If nobody wants to caucus with me, I will bring you down.

If nobody wants to caucus with me, I’ll bring you down.

Bismarck, ND – Dorothea Toppen went to the 2016 North Dakota Democrat Convention wanting to caucus but no one would caucus with her.

So, Dorothea Toppen is planning on filing a lawsuit against the North Dakota Democrat Party for 1. non-inclusion, 2. disrespect, and 3. emotional damages.

The plaintiff also says that someone looking a lot like Donald Trump meanly grabbed her by the arm and pushed and pulled her in a direction she did not want to go.

So, Dorothea Toppen is also considering filing a secondary lawsuit against Donald Trump for 1. strong-arming, 2. disrespect, and 3. emotional damages.

Moral of the story: When you go to your political party’s convention wanting to caucus, you can sue their ass if nobody wants to caucus with you.

Bismarck KFYR News Anchor Swears On Air

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A.J Clemente and Van Tieu were reading the news when A.J Clemente lets out a nervous ‘fucking shit’ before his turn is up to read the news.  Pretty hilarious.

Apparently AJ was suspended for this.  You may contact KFYR and let them know how ridiculous they are.  Overreaction much?  Only perfect and pure people must work at KFYR who make no mistakes.  That must be it.

 

**UPDATE**
AJ has reportedly been fired for his mistake.  Seems KFYR has no problem reporting death, murder, and destruction on a daily basis but god forbid someone says fucking shit by mistake on air.  That makes a lot of sense KFYR.

 

Garrison Dam Tailrace

Morbidly Obese Lake Trout Breaks State Record

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Bismarck, ND – A North Dakota state record was broken recently as a 16lb-6oz, 33-inch lake trout was hauled out of the Garrison Dam Tailrace. This disgustingly huge fish animal breaks the record held by the previous lake trout by over 2 lbs. Horrendous. The fish had clearly let itself go. But is this lake beast at all embarrassed by being outed as the fattest, ugliest trout/whale of all time? Not even close. In between bites of earthworm, the sickly animal had this to say about its victory:

“I’ve been stuffing my bulbous gills with anything I could fit in there since I was a guppy. Look at me now! Who said gluttony never pays off in America! Yeah!!”

It has been reported that it took two men to pull this monster into the boat. A chainsaw and a total of 3 garbage bags were used to gut and clean the bastard.