Tag Archives: bison

UND Football Team Adds Moose As Running Back To Roster In Effort To Beat The Bison

‘The Moose’ is a great running back but does sometimes have a problem holding on to the football.

Grand Forks, ND – In a last ditch effort to topple the NDSU Bison football team, the UND former Fighting Sioux have enlisted the help of an almost unstoppable running back.

As you might expect, his name is Bullwinkle and the scouting report on him says this running back is extremely hard to catch, contain, and tackle!

Bullwinkle (‘The Moose’ as his teammates affectionately call him) is believed to be from the Moose Jaw River area way up there in Saskatchewan, eh?

Coach says his coaching staff is very high on Bullwinkle and are hoping he can help bring the former Fighting Sioux a Nickel Trophy win against the mooseless Bison team.

House-Warming Gift Ideas For The West Fargo And Fargo Area

Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood!

West Fargo, ND – If a new couple has just moved into your neighborhood, within the first two weeks after they’ve arrived, you should definitely show up unannounced at their front door during normal visiting hours, with a few nice house-warming presents.

This will not only satisfy all your curiosities about what your new neighbors are like, but will also allow them to get a good first impression of you and some of your idiosyncrasies.

Showing up without any sort of present is very gauche! Because you are expecting your new neighbors to invite you in for snacks and coffee or beer, having some sort of gift is certainly mandatory.

Specifically for the Fargo and West Fargo area, here are some great ideas for good house-warming gifts:

A Trump-scented candle to make America smell great again
Any animal about to be euthanized at the Humane Society
A list of all your phone numbers and email addresses
A box of doggy treats for canine family members
A partially redacted copy of the Mueller Report
A variety pack of different colored duct tapes
A framed autographed picture of yourself
An extra-large (unopened) bottle of booze
An old Bible from any second-hand store
A living, breeding pair of Sugar Gliders
A brand new submersible sump pump
A few of your favorite hotdish recipes
Season tickets to Bison football
Any Michael Bolton CDs
A few memory lanterns

Man Raised By Buffalo Running For Congress

Joe Tatanka is going to Washington to literally drain the swamp.

Buffalo, ND – After being raised by a large family of buffalo as a young child, a North Dakota man is ready to represent his state in Washington, DC.

Joe Tatanka, who now wallows in the town of Buffalo, North Dakota, believes it is now his turn to fix big government by bringing old-fashioned common sense back to our nation’s capitol.

Joe Tatanka in his own words: “As a strong and horny buffalo man, I am more than ready to charge towards Washington and fight for the values taught to me by my buffalo family members.”

Mr. Tatanka will also use time-tested buffalo tactics such as 1. standing your ground, 2. huddling up for protection, and 3. attack by stampeding to reflect North Dakota’s legendary morals and standards.

First 2017 Fargo Newborn Gets A Carson Wentz Tattoo

Carson Wentz Fenster was born at 12:01 AM and is said to be resting comfortably while watching Carson Wentz play football on TV.

Fargo, ND – The first newborn baby to be born in Fargo after the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve was born to Erron and Martine Fenster of rural Fargo.

The happy couple, who each have a number of tattoos, not only decided to name their boy Carson Wentz Fenster but had “Carson Wentz” tattooed on the boy’s right forearm shortly after he was born.

“We hope he will grow up to be a star quarterback in the NFL just like his namesake,” yearned Erron Fenster wishfully.

“When he gets a little older, perhaps at age one or two, we might consider giving him the option of getting a Bison or Philadelphia Eagles logo tattoo wherever he wants,” shared Martine Fenster excitedly.

But for now, young Carson Wentz Fenster and his proud parents will just sit back in their hospital room and enjoy watching the real Carson Wentz and the Eagles kick the Dallas Cowboy’s butts and also enjoy cheering on the unpredictable Minnesota Vikings as they hopefully shellack the visiting grizzly Chicago Bears.

After Devastating Loss, NDSU Bison Football Program To Be Cancelled

After a great run and then a hugely painful loss, NDSU football program to be replaced with Jai Alai.

Fargodome, ND – Some thought the dream would just go on forever.

People had already purchased tickets to Frisco, Texas to cheer on the NDSU Bison football team to win their sixth straight national championship, and that this trend would simply continue ad infinitum.

However, the brakes got abruptly slammed on after an extremely painful spanking by James Madison University.

Many are now thinking this would be the perfect time to repeal and replace the football program with something “more in tune with the times”.

Bobo Fontillas, president of Jai Alai America, believes that NDSU should bring the incredibly popular and fast-paced sport of Jai Alai to NDSU.

“Jai Alai, which is sometimes affectionately called Zesta Punta, would work very nicely in the Fargodome, especially now that the football ‘thing’ has reached an obvious nadir,” explains Bobo Fontillas.

How do you feel about the NDSU Bison Football program being repealed and replaced with Jai Alai? Are you ready to stop punting a football and start watching some exciting Zesta Punta?

Ironically, all of the letters in Bobo Fontillas can be re-arranged to spell: Bison Football!

Bison Turf To Rise Again From The Ashes, Bigger And Better Than Ever!

Bison Turf will respond Bison Tough!

Bison Turf will respond Bison Tough!

Fargo, ND – As the current chapter of the Bison Turf Bar changed from mass to energy (divided by the speed of light squared), the next chapter of its future was already beginning to rise from the ashes.

As perdition’s flames burned, positive universal karma was already flowing toward The Bison Turf from the moons of Nibia and from around the Antares Maelstrom.

The new Bison Turf Megaplex will not only be fireproof, but will be one of the most kick-ass, state-of-the-art places to hava bier in America.

There will be six floors to commemorate the six back-to-back national championships by the Bison Football team (the previous five championships plus the next one).

First Floor: The Bison Tough Lounge, which will be amazingly similar to the old Bison Turf Bar lounge, to honor past traditions.
Second Floor: The Champ Camp will be similar to the new Bison Tough Lounge but way cooler.
Third Floor: Instant Replay will be very high-tech with countless flat-screen TVs all showing Bison highlights from yesteryears.
Fourth Floor: Finish Strong to acknowledge that it takes four strong quarters to win a game.
Fifth Floor: The Floor Of Fame will surround patrons with a plethora of pictures and collectibles from all stand-out Bison athletes from all sports.
Sixth Floor: The Joy Of Six Rooftop Penthouse will be from where Bison fans can begin to cheer on the Bison Football team’s upcoming and astounding sixth consecutive national championship.

NDSU Changing Its School Song To: We Are The Champions!

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While striving for 6 consecutive championships, Bison fans will be cheering for: The Joy Of Six!

Fargo, ND – Ever since the third verse of the NDSU Bison school song was found to have some “troubling” lyrics, the search has been on to pick a replacment song for “The Yellow and the Green” which was written by Archibald Minard and Clarence Putnam back around 1908.

NDSU is now extremely proud to announce that its new official school song is: We Are The Champions!

This ever-popular song was written by the late, great Freddie Mercury and introduced to the world by the band Queen in 1977.

After five straight national championships by the NDSU football team, We Are The Champions seems to be the perfect new school song for The Bison. In fact, Freddie Mercury said that he was actually thinking about football when he wrote the song.

With their new school song behind them, the NDSU Bison will now seek to extend their championship run to six straight winning trips to Frisco, Texas.

For this quest, the NDSU Bison football team is also announcing their new official slogan for this next year: The Joy Of Six!

Obama Names NDSU Bison Our National Football Team

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Generations of Bison have and will continue to dominate the competition in and on the field.

Buffalo, NY – President Obama has graciously taken some time off his busy golf schedule to name the NDSU Bison our official national football team.

Top spokesman for the president, Scheff Fleffly spoke on strict terms of anonymity:

“Let it be known far and wide, that we hereby decree, from this day forward, that the 5-Time National Champion NDSU Bison from Fargo, South Dakota are henceforth to be named the national football team of America.”

Reaction to this major announcement was swift and mixed, and then poured into a tall chilled glass:

“Hey, I thought Fargo was in Canada, eh?” pondered Dumpster Johnstone’s stepmother.

Crest Fleckers lisped: “It’s about time, since the Bisons not only discovered America but have managed to dominate since Day One!”

LaFlex Boddington retroflexed: “Don’t we have more impotent things to worry about like Global Cooling or lowering the Maximum Wage?!”

Punky Butterworth sub-vocalized: “Well, that’s just fricking great! Now perhaps we can finally integrate outcome-based critical thinking via self-reflection on what the Bison mean to us, collectively, as a group.”

North Dakota Unveils Its New State Flag

North Dakota's new slogan is: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

North Dakota’s new flag displays its new state motto: We Are The Best (Nos Sunt Optima)

Bismarck, ND – After the Fighting Sioux won their eighth national hockey championship, and with the fifth straight national title for the NDSU Bison football team, North Dakota has decided to change its state flag and state motto.

In an easy-to-read, large, bold font (unlike the new license plates which suck), the new ND state flag will proudly say: North Dakota, and Nos Sunt Optima which is Latin for “We Are The Best!”

The official swearing-in ceremony for North Dakota’s new motto and flag will be in Bismarck on the 4th of July, followed by a massive display of fireworks, free mini-flags for everyone, fantastic foods for sale, fun until midnight, and just a general, old-fashioned fracking good time for all.

If you have a drone, bring it for the drone races! There will also be bocce ball and bean bag toss tournaments. All participants of these events will receive a collector T-shirt emblazoned with North Dakota’s new motto: Nos Sunt Optima.

Gamecocks No Match For NDSU Bison Thundering Herd

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A few scrawny gamecocks prove to be no match for The Bison Thundering Herd!

Frisco, TX – A gamecock is a rooster that’s bred and trained for cockfighting. Unfortunately for Alabama’s Jacksonville State, Bison are buffalos that are bred and trained to stomp out gamecocks.

After the NDSU Bison football team’s bloody stampede over the opposing gamecocks, it once again shows that The Bison are truly in a league of their own.

While gamecocks are learning how to peck at other gamecocks to establish their little pecking order, NDSU Bison football players are lifting tractors for exercise.

While gamecocks are nibbling at a kernel of corn, NDSU Bison football players are practicing to win another National Championship amid endless fields of corn.

While gamecocks are limping back to their bus for medical attention, NDSU Bison 5-Time National Champion football players are being recruited by the NFL.

Go Bison! Bison Nation! Bison Pride!
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