Fargo, ND – The Red River Blood Bank is in dire need of hiring some experienced vampires to be staff phlebotomists and perform venipuncture to collect much-needed blood from client/victims.
During Helloween seasoning, the River Of Red Blood Bank sees a bloody uptick in the need for good blood due to a downtick in those who would voluntarily choose to donate their “liquid life force”.
Venipuncture experience is a +
Undead applicant vampires are being sought to work the graveyard shift, from midnight until dawn, with the monthly exception of full moon nights.
If you’re a well-dressed vampire who’s looking for a regular gig, and who can be counted on to show up for work, please contact Ms. Bella Lugosi at the Red River Red Blood Bank to set up an intravenous interview and a chance to show-off your venipuncture skill set.
Camp Crystal Lake, America – The Observer has learned that in a shocking turn of events today, well-known blood fiend and murder artist Jason Voorhees has decided not to stalk & slash this Friday the 13th. This news comes as a relief to many, especially the occupants of Camp Crystal Lake. Campers have already begun rejoicing:
“Wow! I can finally sex my girlfriend without fear that that ghoulish prick will collapse my tent and disembowel us!”
“My friends and I are taking the pontoon out tonight since Jason is not going to cut us the fuck up.”
Todd, camp counselor-
“The wife is mega-pissed that I have to go open up Camp Crystal Lake for the weekend. We usually take Friday the 13th weekends off to spend time with the family. I guess Jason is too busy to go on a killing spree. Now, the rest of us have to suffer.”
When asked about the decision to not slay this evening, Mr. Voorhees had this to say:
“[heavy breathing] [blank stare]”
We here at the Observer are glad to hear that one of history’s most notorious killers is willing to put away the machete and just chill for a night. Don’t be surprised if you see a towering figure wearing a beat-up goalie mask and tattered overalls serving soup to the needy at the Crystal Lake homeless shelter tonight.