Just imagine coming home only to find your furniture completely re-arranged!
Fargo, ND – Some home owners in South Fargo have recently been reporting having had their homes broken into, but nothing was stolen.
In each and every similar instance, these home break-ins resulted in re-arranged furniture, usually in the main living room, along with a signed note from the Feng Shui Bandit.
Based on reading all the notes, police have a pretty good idea of who they’re looking for: possibly a recently graduated interior design student who is obsessed with arranging furniture according to the ancient Chinese rules of Feng Shui.
Please let police know if someone has re-arranged your furniture whilst you may have been away for the weekend. However, many who come home after being hit by the Feng Shui Bandit are very nicely surprised at the new professional look their home now has.
Moorhead, MN – Moorhead police would like your help in catching one dumb fucking criminal who broke into Sunset Lanes around 2 a.m. Sunday. Police say he forced a door open to find a shit load of used bowling balls.
Alright, time for a FM Observer Burning by the one and only Bill Burns.
So, your sitting around being fat on your stupid fat couch and think, “Oh fuck yea! I just thought of the greatest plan ever. I’m going to break into the ever so busy and popular Sunset Lanes in Moorhead. I’m going to be fucking rich! Retiring a millionaire bitch! F YOU SOCIETY.”
So out of the hundreds of establishments with actual cash or items that would be worth stealing, you decide to risk jail time, getting shot, your career of being fat, family disownment, and an entire town laughing at you, to break into a bowling alley? What did you expect to find there mister smarty pants? A shit load of cash? You found a bunch of used bowling balls you fucking idiot. Maybe a few hundred dollars? If that was really what you were after then you could only carry, what, three bowling balls at a time? And what would you do with all those used bowling balls? Judging by your picture on the fat cam, carrying three would be too tough for you. You would probably have to carry one at a time and that’s just stupid when you’re running against the clock during a robbery. Maybe there is some type of hidden treasure buried deep underground, then…a to hell with it, there’s no treasure. I’m just wishful thinking. Trying to find ways to justify your stupidness. Lastly, what is with the stupid cliche ski mask? Come on! You are already knee deep in shit when you decide to break into a business, why not wear a mask with some class? A mask that is unique. Something like the picture below.
The FM Observer loves the Fargo-Moorhead area and hates degenerate criminals. Especially ones who break into small business establishments just trying to make a living. Let’s have a first here. The first time FM Observer fans catch a criminal. So, show the picture above (not the guy with a vagina mask, the actual criminal) to everyone you know and lets nab this asshole.