Tag Archives: burglary

So-Called Feng Shui Burglar Breaks Into Homes Only To Re-Arrange The Furniture

Just imagine coming home only to find your furniture completely re-arranged!

Fargo, ND – Some home owners in South Fargo have recently been reporting having had their homes broken into, but nothing was stolen.

In each and every similar instance, these home break-ins resulted in re-arranged furniture, usually in the main living room, along with a signed note from the Feng Shui Bandit.

Based on reading all the notes, police have a pretty good idea of who they’re looking for: possibly a recently graduated interior design student who is obsessed with arranging furniture according to the ancient Chinese rules of Feng Shui.

Please let police know if someone has re-arranged your furniture whilst you may have been away for the weekend. However, many who come home after being hit by the Feng Shui Bandit are very nicely surprised at the new professional look their home now has.

Rash of Burglaries Confounds Police in Little Rock, AR

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Police have a real head scratcher on their hands.

Little Rock, AR – Local police are dealing with what may be one of the worst outbreaks in recent memory. A highly contagious rash of burglaries is plaguing the precinct, causing symptoms ranging from intense itching to intense scratching. “The situation is bad, real bad,” claims Officer Stu Pittery. “Makes my skin crawl, it really does. We gotta get a handle on this, and right soon. It’s like chiggers gone wild up in here.”

The problem began on a day like any other. “I was out on patrol when I seen the first signs,” remembers Bubba Briggs, a deputy sheriff. “I saw this masked man running from a house carrying a pretty good sized flatscreen tv. It seemed kinda weird, but I just kept watchin’ him. Anyhoo, after a few minutes I happened to catch a look at myself in the cruiser’s rear view. I’ll be danged if my upper lip wasn’t just covered in red bumps. Well, then it started to itch. That rash was fixin’ to spread, right there under my nose. Sweet Delilah, I hightailed it back to the station faster than a one-legged man at a butt kickin’ contest. I got like a sixth sense about things, and I just knew this weren’t good.”

Upon arriving at police headquarters, deputy Briggs’ keen suspicions were confirmed. The rash had indeed spread, making its way through the precinct virtually unchecked. The rapid progression has prompted city leaders to consider quarantining the station while they search for a solution. They are also going to consider changing “search for a solution” to “have us a bourbon”.

In a recently released statement, Police Chief Rufus Jackson attempted to calm the public. “Y’all don’t worry now, we’ll be all right. But this here rash is spreading faster than Tums at a chili cookoff. What we’re aimin’ for now is to try and get to the source. Best we can tell, there’s a masked man out there infecting our community. Every last one of my men done seen him haulin’ valuables around town and then, bang, they got the itch. We think he’s gotta be somehow connected, but it’s a head-scratcher. I ain’t never seen no rash of burglaries like this here. God as my witness, not never.”

Asked to comment, Little Rock Mayor Winston Abbott said simply, “Aw hell, I’m sure this will all be over soon. Them boys’ll be back fightin’ crime ‘fore they know it. I’ve had my share of rashes over the years, and I’m tellin’ you this’ll be gone faster than a Pabst Blue Ribbon at a Nascar race, mark my words. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return a call from the county vet. Somethin’ about the canine unit havin’ fleas or some tarnation.”

Daycare Breakin at Fraser Limited in Fargo, ND

Fargo Daycare Burglar Arrested


Fargo, ND –  Shawn Baker 26, was charged with a felony burglary today after being accused of breaking into Fraser Limited at 2901 S. University Dr.  After a short police interrogation, it became known that Beaterton had broken into the daycare because of a weird dirty diaper fetish or diperotica.  Beaterton allegedly likes to collect dirty diapers, sniff them, and store them around his house.  Pee-yeew to you Beaterton!