Big Bird seen here walking with two of his grand-children just moments before he was struck by a texting distracted driver.
Sesame Street, NY – The world is mourning the passing of one of its favorite large birds.
Big Bird from Sesame Street died in his nest whilst surrounded by his family and close friends at the age of 70, which is like 150 in bird years.
The cause of death was firstly complications from the avian bird flu which then were secondarily compounded with having been hit by a distracted driver at 50 mph who felt it necessary to type LOL in response to a stupid joke.
No word yet on any funeral arrangements for what is expected to be a large group wanting to cry their goodbyes to Big Bird.
Pallbearers will include his best friend Mr. Snuffleupagus who says monetary gifts can be given to support your local PBS station during their upcoming fund drives since President Trump is imposing draconian cuts to the funding of the Public Broadcasting Service.
Shelburne, MA – Drug Companies are planning on giving funny man Bill Cosby a lifetime achievement award.
“Never has one person used so many drugs on so many others over such a long period of time,” says Rolf Hoffman-La Roche, spokesperson for the Drug Companies Conglomeration Corporation.
Rolf goes on: “Analyzing the veritable range of drugs purportedly used by funny man Bill Cosby over the years to tranquilize others is quite impressive and shows a mastery of pharmacalogical dispensation.”
Some of the drugs allegedly found in funny man Bill Cosby’s stockpile allegedly used to relax his clients allegedly included: Clonazepam (Benzodiazepine), Rohypnol (Flunitrazepam), Xanax (Alprazolam), Dormicum (Midazolam), Restoril (Temazepam), Liquid X (GHB, Gamma-Hydroxybutyrate), Special K (Ketamine), Ambien (Zolpidem), and Mickey Finn (Chloral Hydrate).
“It’s no wonder that cappuccino tasted a little funny,” said all of the women who are now stepping forward saying that funny man Bill Cosby salaciously drugged them.
When asked how he felt about getting the Drug Companies Lifetime Achievement Award, funny man Bill Cosby’s response was: “No, we don’t answer that. There is no response. There’s no comment about this. People shouldn’t have to answer to innuendos. We don’t talk about it.”
It seems to be, in order to be a successful celebrity, you must join the elite ranks of other celebrities and start claiming nations. You are not considered a gifted celebrity unless you do so and you are certainly not part of the ‘special club.’
Sean Penn has claimed Haiti. Ben Afflek has since claimed the Congo. Angelina scoops up and claims any UN mission areas. Leonardo DiCaprio has claimed Mozambique. Madonna has claimed Malawi.
Just recently there was one of those high-roller poker games and they all put the various causes in a hat and each elite actor picked one. Sean Penn was pissed and tried to trade Haiti for Thailand but the group voted no.
Brad Pitt, Angelia Jolie, and Sean Penn have have been in a ruffle and tuffle as of late. Sean Penn looks to claim all land including oceans outside of the United States. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie sees this as Penn intruding on their territory and would not want to have to pay Penn a ‘finders fee’ for any child they may adopt in the future.
A phone call to Penn has gone unanswered but we believe the dispute has not been resolved as of yet.