Tag Archives: cold

Top Ten Winter Words North Dakotans Are Getting Really Sick Of

Fargoans have really gotten to hate the word Arctic.

Fargo, ND – Our FM Observer reporters fanned out across the region to knock on doors asking people what winter words they are getting most tired of hearing.

After doing so, we then empirically compiled the comprehensive list into a scientific study.

We believe it is totally scientific because we used the word empirical.

What follows is a scientific poll of the Top Ten words or phrases that people living in this region are getting really sick of hearing:

10. Winter Snowstorm
9. Frizzle
8. Alberta Clipper
7. Pre-Shoveling
6. Snownami*
5. Windchill Factor
4. Black Ice
3. Blizzard Warning
2. Polar Vortex
1. Arctic

* Snownami is the scientific word for the large ridge of snow left at the end of driveways after the street plows come by to do their due diligence.

Tie-Dyed Wind Chill Map Warms Hearts Of Former Hippies

Tie-Dye Wind-Chills :o)

Grand Forks, ND Some former hippies who now work for the National Weather Service believe one of their recent windchill maps hearkened back to tie-dyed shirts from days gone by.

Buzz Marley, assistant climatologist since 1970: “Wow, man. Like we got a lot of calls about this map, dude.”

Arlo Zappa, radar technician since Woodstock: “A lot of people really seemed to respond to the tie-dye nature of how we’re mapping the wind chill!”

Karma Krishna, chief meteorologist since the Grateful Dead died: “These tie-dye maps are really super cool, especially if you’re listening to music at the same time.”

‘Polar Vortex Pizza’ Delivers Your Fully Cooked Pizza Completely Frozen

We guarantee your pizza will be completely frozen by the time you get it.

Fargo, ND – Not real stoked about going out into the arcticly crazy super-cold windchill temperatures for supper?

Maybe you should just stay warm at home while ordering a pizza from Polar Vortex Pizza!

Their pizzas are great, and fully cooked in perfectly hot ovens, and then quickly delivered rock-hard frozen solid to your front door.

The flash-freezing process take only seconds and locks in all the wonderful goodness of your Polar Vortex Pizza!

Some customer feedback: “Yeah, Polar Vortex Pizzas are great, but don’t plan on eating them right away.”

Fargo Man Arrested For Leaving Dog Outside Too Long

Shih Tzu puppy named Pixy is the latest casualty in the War On Global Cooling.

Fargo, ND – The good news is: that Mr. Dorf Gonez got a cute little new Shih Tzu puppy for his family as a Christmas present.

The bad news is: that Mr. Dorf Gonez forgot that their new little Pixy was tied up outside while Dorf got lost playing his new video games.

When his wife finally asked “Hay, where the hell is Pixy?”, Mr. Dorf Gonez went outside to find their new Shih Tzu puppy all frozen up like an ice cube tray in a freezer set to the coldest possible setting.

The Fargo Criminal Canine Task Force showed up shortly after that to arrest Mr. Dorf Gonez for gross aggravated negligence.

Sadly, all the letters in Dorf Gonez can be coldly re-arranged to spell: Frozen Dog!

FM Observer Asks: How Fricking Cold Is It?

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Temperatures are ranging from cold as shit to fucking freezing.

Fargo, North Dakota – It’s time once again for the FM Observer to shiveringly ask the proverbial question: How cold is it?

So, how fricking cold is it?

It’s so cold that polar bears are building their own igloos.

It’s so cold that hell has officially frozen over.

It’s so cold that both Russia and the USA thought the Cold War was back on.

It’s so cold that when cab drivers yell at pedestrians, their middle finger freezes.

It’s so cold that someone saw a dog trying to jump start another dog.

It’s so cold that firefighters are starting fires.

It’s so cold that penguins are putting mink jackets on lay-a-way.

It’s so cold that heating bills are arriving with a warning to sit down before opening.

It’s so cold that weathermen have started using the Kelvin temperature scale.

It’s so cold that people are playing checkers with tea candles.

It’s so cold that Miley Cyrus had to pull her tongue in.

It’s so cold that some women are thankful for hot flashes.

It’s so cold that hitchhikers are holding up pictures of thumbs.

It’s so cold that muggers are phoning in sick.

It’s so cold that people are freezing their buns when leaving the bakery.

It’s so cold that the Four Seasons Hotel is changing its name to just “Winter”.

It’s so cold that Apple has introduced the iParka.

It’s so cold that after frozen pizzas are in the oven for 25 minutes, they’re still frozen.

It’s so cold that Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick.

It’s so cold that Bill Clinton thought he was standing next to Hillary.

It’s so cold that teenagers are having to pull their pants up.

It’s so cold that cats are looking out the window from across the room.

It’s so cold that in Maine, lobsters are throwing themselves into boiling pots.

It’s so cold that Playboy is publishing pictures of women with their clothes on.

It’s so cold that a comedian was rushed to the hospital after being pelted with frozen tomatoes.

It’s so cold that commerce was slowed when some shoppers discovered their bank accounts were frozen.

It’s so cold that Kate Upton has been downgraded from “Hot” to “Tepid”.

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Hundreds of Cars Said, “FUCK THIS SHIT” This Morning Leaving People With No Transportation

Fargo, ND – If Mondays were not bad enough, throw in some cold air and wind and you just stepped into the worst place on earth: Fargo.

Forecasts last week that ranged from ‘God damn it’s cold’ to ‘Why the fuck do I live here’ continued on into this week.  We had the pleasure of enjoying a negative temperature of -15 today.  Let’s take a look at the coming days to see if it will be getting……….nope.  Still going to be cold as fuck.

Fargo Temperature is Freezing

Even the automobiles of the Fargo-Moorhead area have had enough.  Hundreds of automobiles said “FUCK THIS SHIT” this morning as their owners tried to start their car leaving many wondering why they were out of bed or why they even lived here.

Service and tow companies have seen their business nearly double over the past week.

“I was driving down 13th Ave S when I heard my car blurt out, ‘fuck this shit.’  It then just stopped working.  I had to call a tow driver.”

“I went out to my car at 6:30 ready for work.  Put the key in, tried to start it, and I heard a ‘fuck this shit.’  It still doesn’t start.  I don’t know how I’m getting to work tomorrow.”

Jason said he didn’t even get within 10 feet of his car when it blurted out, “Too cold!  Go back to fucking bed!”

We could give you some advice such as letting your car warm up but let’s just be honest here.  If the temperature is below zero when you wake up, go back to fucking bed and leave your car alone.