“What could have been fairly simple somehow ended up being extremely complicated and confusing.”
East Fargo, MN – After having used it for a while now, many are seriously scratching their heads while wondering what the hell went wrong during the early planning stages of the I-94 interchange at Moorhead’s Eighth Street.
One of the main comments we hear over and over is that there seems to be too many random roads running in seemingly random directions which makes the aerial map of this intersection look like cracks in a shattered windshield.
One possible reason for the obvious subpar planning could be that a new (but untested) computer function called “Random Suggestion” was used (too much) by traffic planners in what insiders refer to as “splashing the plan”.
Luckily, Moorhead’s quadruple diverging diamond interstate interchange only cost the taxpayers about $14,000,000 and it does seem to work rather well for those who have used it enough to become familiar with its plethora of peculiarities.
Fort Bragg, NC – In anticipation of hurricane Florence’s arrival, the U.S. government is calmly assuring everyone that it could not be more prepared for what could be the worst storm to ever hit the East coast.
Federal Emergency Management (FEM) proudly announced that it has one cot all ready to go for some lucky person who might perhaps be uprooted by Florence’s ferocity.
FEM administrator Barock Long unveiled the cot to the press corpse while offering these comments:
“I am very confident we are more than prepared for hurricane Florence. Besides this comfortable cot, we also have two battery-powered radios and a few bags of kitty-litter for your pets.”
With September designated as national hurricane preparation month, make sure you know where your family is and that you have a fully stocked liquor cabinet. Remember: You can’t spell Trump without “rum”!
Sign up now for the next Gawk Tour Bus trip to see the Dakota Access Pipeline Protest up close.
Dapl, ND – Have you been wanting to see what’s going on with the Dakota Access Pipeline protesters without really getting involved?
Would you like to watch history in the making while a major altercation is playing out?
Gawk Tours will soon be taking groups of people to near the front lines of a major national news story while sitting comfortably in a tour bus sipping fresh coffee and snacking on scones.
Gawk Tours is a division of the Rubberneck Corporation which has been safely giving onlookers easy access to major happenings such as aftermaths of hurricanes and flashpoints of social unrest for years.
Gawk Tour president Stanley Ogler: “Instead of having hundreds of cars doing the rubberneck drive-by of some point of interest, we put them all in a big bus and make it a fun group learning experience.”
If you would like to join the next Gawk Tour to go see angry people getting ready to camp outside during a North Dakota winter, simply sign up and wait at one of the many convenient pick-up points using the new Gawk Tour app. Oh, and don’t forget to bring your camera!
If you pray for rain, you gotta deal with the mud too.
Rio Linda, CA – The Good News is that the California drought will soon be over. The Bad News is that the state will soon be one gigantic mudslide. Climatologists at our FMObserver headquarters now believe that California will no longer exist as we currently know it. Within about two wet weeks, the Golden State will go from a D-4 Exceptionally Extreme Drought to an MS-4 which is Mudslide Max.The main course served at all restaurants in California will soon be Mud Pie. Instead of being a stick-in-the-mud, people will be a-stuck-in-the-mud. Once all the rain clouds finally move through, the skies will be as clear as mud. Whatever it says on your mailbox now, after it’s all over, your name is mud. James Taylor will be singing your new state song: Mud Slide Slim. But, hay, don’t forget to remember the Good News: At least your D-4 drought is over!