Dr. Pepper says when it comes to drinking healthy, the more the better, mmkay?.
Pepper Pike, OH – Dr. Pepper, who’s become a well-known physician throughout the country because of his promotion of health on his television show, is encouraging all his patients to drink more soda pop.
“In the North they drink pop and down South they call it soda, but wherever you live and whatever you call it, you need to drink more of it,” preaches Dr. Pepper, while examining a patient.
Studies show that soda pop is a wonderful source of sugar which provides the body with an excellent source of energy, prevents brain black-outs, instantly cures depression, raises blood pressure for those whose is too low, and helps maintain healthy looking skin, while at the same time benefiting the green environment.
Dr. Pepper sums it up this way: “There are some soda pops that are better for you than others, but I’ll leave that up to you as to which one to choose. I, personally would recommend drinking Dr. Pepper. Trust me, I’m a doctor!”
“Many people have an uncontrollable craving for Eggnog.” –Pastor Gregg Donkin
Fargo, ND – A new support group is now forming in the Fargo-Moorhead area for people who are Eggnogaholics.
These are local folks living amongst us who cannot control their desire and lust for the holiday drink we call “Eggnog”.
If you are one of these locals who load up on and then uncontrollably glug the nog by your Christmas tree, then you know exactly of what we speaketh.
For those non-Eggnog cravers, addiction to the holiday nogdrink can be as strong and powerful as being addicted to nicotine, smartphone thumbing, and watching CNN.
Pastor Gregg Donkin is the leader of the new Eggnog Support Group: “Please come and join us if drinking Eggnog is your main weakness. We will be serving free Eggnog to anyone who would like to attend our meetings but who simply cannot go one hour without Eggnog while discussing it with others who share your nogmania.”
Ironically, all the letters in “Gregg Donkin” can be re-arranged to spell: Drink Eggnog!
Washington, D.C. – Amidst a rising tide of panic over the deadly ebola virus threat, the FDA has fast-tracked an experimental vaccine drink for mass public consumption.
Coca-Bola, which promises instant immunity against the horrific disease, will soon be widely available for all ages.
Individuals who don’t get the recommended daily allowance of soda in their diet are urged to drink as much of the serum as possible for maximum benefits. All other groups are advised simply, “Drink one can for every extra day you want to add to your life expectancy.”
FDA spokesperson Polly Tikker stated, “The United States government, in cooperation with the CDC, has been working nonstop to ensure the safety of our citizens against the impending armageddon of widespread ebola infection. When Coca-Cola executives stepped up and offered to join the fight for America’s health, it was a total no-brainer. Our confidence in the company was what allowed us to bypass all usual precautionary testing and just focus on saving the human race. As we say behind closed doors, when you’ve got the FDA and Coke in your corner, public health is no longer a concern.”
Since the groundbreaking formula for Coca-Bola is considered classified under the Homeland Security of Big Business Act, the FDA will not require its ingredients to be printed on labels. However, a government-sponsored ad campaign for Coca-Bola assures consumers by touting, “Drink a can of this, no bleeding orifice!” Insiders believe the slogan will be enough to erase, or at least obfuscate, any concerns about the product’s claims, side effects, or toxicity levels.
For more information, visit: www.coca-bola.org/itsgoodforyou/sucker/oops/noreally/youcantrustus