Tag Archives: election

Democrats Considering Lowering Voting Age To Ten While Offering Them Free Candy

Top Dems luring children with candy.

Washington, DC – Nervous Democrats needing a win in the next presidential election are pushing to lower the voting age to ten while offering children free candy and recreational marijuana.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi believes it’s really important to capture kids when they’re in grade skool, before they know much about politix, and when they can still be easily swayed for whom to vote.

Senator Chuck Schumer concurs that rather than lowering the voting age to sixteen, lowering it to ten, along with offering free college, free candy, free pot, and free Doritos to anyone who doesn’t vote for the Republicans would be a boon to the Democrat voting base.

Both Pelosi and Schumer agree that their For The Children Act (H.R.1) is “really important” because we need to drastically change election laws before the next presidential election in order to prevent four more years of never-ending Trump investigations.

Fargo Man Won’t Confirm Nor Deny That He’s Running For President

Will I or won’t I? Shall I or shan’t I? These are the tough questions facing Fargo’s Rinfret Pounders.

Fargo, ND – At this time, Fargo native Rinfret Pounders will neither confirm or deny that he is planning on running for president of the United States in the next presidential election.

Speculation surrounding the 35-year-old Fargo native continues to swirl while a decision to run or not by Rinfret Pounders is still completely up in the air.

Mr. Pounders’ best friend and chief campaign strategist is Pruner Steindorf, who recently leaked:

“At this juncture, Mr. Rinfret Pounders may or may not be running for president. We are leaving all options on the table, if you will.”

Curiously, all of the letters in Rinfret Pounders and Pruner Steindorf can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Run For President!

Emperor Penguin Elected President Of Antarctica

President Skipper Kowalski: Antarctica’s first-ever penguin president!

South Pole, Antarctica – History has once again been made as the southern-most continent has elected its first penguin president.

Skipper Kowalski along with his wife Frieda will be moving into the presidential ice palace after his official inaugaration later this year.

President Kowalski has promised jobs for all while maintaining a balanced budget with no unfunded mandates.

Other leaders from around the world have tried contacting Skipper to congratulate him but apparently his smartphone was rather frozen.

Clever ‘Calibration Errors’ Ensure Democrat Victories In Every Political Race

It's not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

It’s not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

Washington, DC – Even if no Democrats show up to vote in the upcoming state and national elections, Republicans better be ready to lose each and every political race in the country.

Democrat community organizers have cleverly rigged all the voting machines in every voting district to register any Republican votes as Democrat votes.

For any Democrats that do show up to vote, each vote that’s actually entered for a Democrat candidate will automagically be duplicated by a special multiplier factor that is specifically, scientifically, and strategically set by the Democrat Party for each voting district.

By rigging each voting machine to only register votes for Democrats, this eliminates the need for the IRS to target troublesome conservative Tea Party groups.

By ridding the U.S. House of Representatives of all Republicans, and increasing the Democrat’s control of the U.S. Senate, this will free Washington of all that paralyzing gridlock so that President Obola can fully implement his “Lean To The Left” transformational agenda for America during his last two years in office.

So, don’t forget to get out and vote early and often in the upcoming elections. What matters is that you do your civil duty to cast your ballot. What doesn’t matter is for whom you vote. That’s already been taken care of.

Repetitive Phone Calls Encourage Civic Duty

I would like to publicly give a “thumbs up” and thank those people that made the multitude of repetitive phone calls to remind me to vote. Since I have been living under a rock for about a year, I have had no knowledge of the political television ads. Thanks to all these phone calls, I will remember to exercise my civic duty to get out and vote! In addition, because the rock I was living under was extraordinarily large, I didn’t notice the massive amount of paper in the form of political advertising in my mailbox. Since the rock was hard to move, I got lazy and let my mail pile up. But, thanks to all the phone calls I will now remember to vote! Thanks!!

Hobo President Frank Donovan Kicks Off Re-election Campaign

2241806636_0f670a2c80_bFargo, ND – The Commander-In-Chief of Fargo’s underground homeless community is making a strong push for re-election this November. Frank Donovan, or “Hobo Frank” as he is more affectionately known, is getting an early start on campaigning.

Frank’s primary campaign strategy includes scrawling a crudely-drawn picture of his face on balled-up pieces of paper he finds in streetside trash bins and pasting them to light poles using the remnants of an Elmer’s glue bottle he found in an art school dumpster. That, in addition to creeping up on passed-out alley drunks and stuffing re-purposed business flyers with the words “vote 4 Frank” scribbled all over the front and back into their gaping mouths.

What some of you may not know is that each American city’s hobo community contains a chosen homeless “mayor” if you will, who acts as a social liason between area homeless and functioning society. The hobo President earns his spot via a general election in which a designated trash receptacle acts as a ballot box that participating homeless voters must throw a piece of garbage into containing their:

  • REMEMBERED NAME (if you do not remember your actual name, you may put in your hobo nickname)
  • CHOSEN CANDIDATE (who you are voting for as hobo president)

The candidate with the most discernible hunks of trash with his name on it at the end of the election day (which ends the morning after, right before trash pick-up) wins the spot of President/Mayor. The actual functioning title of this prestigious honor is a mystery, as no one in functioning society has ever asked a homeless mayor his title. I don’t think the homeless know what it is either– purely speculation at this point.

It’s amazing, really, what goes on behind the scenes in the homeless community. Not many people are familiar with the hobo underground as their day-to-day activities are largely ignored by most. I know i’m guilty of this. Anyway, the Observer would like to wish Hobo Frank best of luck in the upcoming President/Mayor/Whatever the Hell It’s Called election. Vote 4 Frank!

North Dakota county hopes somebody will run for prosecutor

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERACavalier, ND – Pembina county is in need of a lead prosecuting attorney. Amidst political controversy that forced the last county prosecutor out of office, the position has been left vacant for the past couple months. This has county officials absolutely terrified that nobody will run for the primary election this June.

The deadline to file for election is fast approaching, and city officials are getting anxious. “We don’t suspect anyone in a 300 mile radius would be willing or sufficiently able to occupy the position of county prosecutor,” explained Cavalier mayor Burp McGwire. “There are no lawyers here. Only farmers and the occasional shop-keep. Also got a mechanic. We’re offering a generous compensation of 2 milk-cows, a steer, and a 3-acre pasture for the elected official. It’s the best we can do. Would anyone with an online law degree or a forged bar association certificate like to throw their straw hat in the ring??”

This would be a crippling blow to the Pembina county legal system if nobody is willing to run for this elected position. The county will be unable to prosecute wild wild west showdowns, buggy theft, barn trespassing and other such infringements.