Trying to be calmly proactive, fearful Fargo families fighting fifty foot fast-melting flood.
Fargo, ND – With the forecast calling for quick climate change from global cooling to global warming, many who fought The Big Flood zactly 20 years are starting to squirm any time the words “sand” or “bag” are mentioned.
The Benson Family:“Yah, we probly should’ve built that Red River Diversion by now, doncha know?”
The Sakimov Family: “We have already started filling sandbags out in our garage, like since last month I think, and we already hava-lota-vum.”
The Grinstein Group: “In school, my son herd that a very fast melt caused by rain could suddenly cause a record fifty foot flood right hier in River City, baby!”
The LaQuan Family Corp: “We are seriously looking into procuring a plethora of sandbags from various reliable sources some of which may be online. We steal sand from wherever we can dig it, man.”
The Nillson Gathering: “We just feel real real lucky to have all our favorite Facebook friends to help us out by firstly liking us on Facebook and secondly leaving such helpful and wonderful comments while they’re supposedly vacationing down there in Guatemala which I half suspect is basically just all trumped up.”
There’s no such thing as Free Cheese except when it comes to Big Government.
Cheesetown, Pennsylvania – In its infinite wisdom, the U.S. Government is now offering free cheese to almost anyone willing and able to eat it.
The Affordable Cheese Act was passed by Congress in the dead of night so that we could read what the new law actually said.
The ACA “shall provide free cheese to anyone who voted Democrat in the last election”.
The U.S. taxpayers have already been taxed quite heavily so that this over-abundance of low-grade governmental cheese can now be offered freely to those who may want free cheese from the government.
Federal ACA officials will be offering free demonstrations on how to cut the cheese, and then how to use it to make some basic All-American healthy recipes such as: double grilled cheese sandwitches, macaroni and cheese casserole hotdish, and very deep-fried cheese curds.
To get your free Government Cheese, simply stand in line wherever free governmental handouts are normally offered and use promo-code “FGC-2017” when filling out the mandatory 12-page IRS tax form #C-1270-BO.
As a special bonus, you can even get your picture taken for free at the free cheese handout office. Remember to smile wide and say “Cheese!”
Rabbit, Texas – The president has announced executive orders which will result in special teams of feral rabbits soon being dispatched to the southern U.S. border.
This will be part of an overall coordinated federal ground effort to get an emergency handle on the continuous influx of undocumented Democrats flowing into the United States from Latin American countries.
Captain Jack Leporine is the top commander of this newly created division of feral rabbit agents.
“These formerly wild rabbits will be highly trained and totally ready for action” pledges Captain Jack. “Think of them as elite armed soldiers that are as fast as a jackrabbit but as quiet as a mouse.”
Captain Jack also likes that they are very easily trainable to carry out any orders with feral federal precision. Based on their trainability, the feral rabbits beat out a number of other animal species that were being considered for this unique mission: pigs, sheep, elephants, and chimpanzees.
Captain Jack: “And as a bonus, these rabbits are simple enough to feed because they can survive by just eating any sort of grass, but of course, they prefer lettuce or carrots.”
Fedhaven, FL – The Federal Bureau of Prisons is under fire for making some of their newest prisons “too comfortable”. A few congressional critics are wondering how the so-called “country club prisons” have started to look more like five-star hotel rooms?
These white-collar Federal Correction Institutions (also sometimes referred to as Club Fed) have housed such infamous convicted criminals as Martha Stewart and Bernie Madoff. In fact, some believe that Martha Stewart is the person most responsible for sparking the tasteful changes that we see today.
Some of the prison cells being criticized have king-sized beds and private on-suite deluxe bathrooms. The Bureau of Prisons defends their actions by stating that their prime directive is to provide guests with safe and humane housing that reflects their core values which are: correctional excellence, respect, and integrity.