Tag Archives: federal

Court Artist Accused Of Drawing-Under-The-Influence At Cohen/Daniels Court Hearing

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Most agree that this court artist must’ve been under the influence of drugs, but you can draw your own conclusions.

New York, NY – The artist chosen to do sketches at the Stormy Daniels/Michael Cohen court hearing has been accused of DUI (Drawing Under The Influence).

Just as many famous artists have successfully used drugs to embellish or enhance their work, federal court artists are not supposed to share that same luxury.

The artist in question is named Audi Ritts, who normally produces decently recognizable sketches.

But when Judge Kimba Wood asked Mr. Ritts to try and draw a straight line, it was obvious that Audi had been perhaps using the pot, or something of that nature.

In light of this stunning development, the Judge declared a misdrawing, and therefore, the hearing will have to be re-sketched.

Interestingly, all of the letters in Audi Ritts can be redrawn to spell: DUI Artist!

Fargo Facebook Families Fatally Fear Fifty Foot Fast Flood Forecast

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Trying to be calmly proactive, fearful Fargo families fighting fifty foot fast-melting flood.

Fargo, ND – With the forecast calling for quick climate change from global cooling to global warming, many who fought The Big Flood zactly 20 years are starting to squirm any time the words “sand” or “bag” are mentioned.

The Benson Family: “Yah, we probly should’ve built that Red River Diversion by now, doncha know?”

The Sakimov Family: “We have already started filling sandbags out in our garage, like since last month I think, and we already hava-lota-vum.”

The Grinstein Group: “In school, my son herd that a very fast melt caused by rain could suddenly cause a record fifty foot flood right hier in River City, baby!”

The LaQuan Family Corp: “We are seriously looking into procuring a plethora of sandbags from various reliable sources some of which may be online. We steal sand from wherever we can dig it, man.”

The Nillson Gathering: “We just feel real real lucky to have all our favorite Facebook friends to help us out by firstly liking us on Facebook and secondly leaving such helpful and wonderful comments while they’re supposedly vacationing down there in Guatemala which I half suspect is basically just all trumped up.”

Federal ‘Affordable Cheese Act’ Providing Free Cheese From US Government

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There’s no such thing as Free Cheese except when it comes to Big Government.

Cheesetown, Pennsylvania – In its infinite wisdom, the U.S. Government is now offering free cheese to almost anyone willing and able to eat it.

The Affordable Cheese Act was passed by Congress in the dead of night so that we could read what the new law actually said.

The ACA “shall provide free cheese to anyone who voted Democrat in the last election”.

The U.S. taxpayers have already been taxed quite heavily so that this over-abundance of low-grade governmental cheese can now be offered freely to those who may want free cheese from the government.

Federal ACA officials will be offering free demonstrations on how to cut the cheese, and then how to use it to make some basic All-American healthy recipes such as: double grilled cheese sandwitches, macaroni and cheese casserole hotdish, and very deep-fried cheese curds.

To get your free Government Cheese, simply stand in line wherever free governmental handouts are normally offered and use promo-code “FGC-2017” when filling out the mandatory 12-page IRS tax form #C-1270-BO.

As a special bonus, you can even get your picture taken for free at the free cheese handout office. Remember to smile wide and say “Cheese!”

Feral Rabbits Being Readied To Secure Southern Border

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Rabbits to the rescue!

Rabbits to the rescue!

Rabbit, Texas – The president has announced executive orders which will result in special teams of feral rabbits soon being dispatched to the southern U.S. border.

This will be part of an overall coordinated federal ground effort to get an emergency handle on the continuous influx of undocumented Democrats flowing into the United States from Latin American countries.

Captain Jack Leporine is the top commander of this newly created division of feral rabbit agents.

“These formerly wild rabbits will be highly trained and totally ready for action” pledges Captain Jack. “Think of them as elite armed soldiers that are as fast as a jackrabbit but as quiet as a mouse.”

Captain Jack also likes that they are very easily trainable to carry out any orders with feral federal precision. Based on their trainability, the feral rabbits beat out a number of other animal species that were being considered for this unique mission: pigs, sheep, elephants, and chimpanzees.

Captain Jack: “And as a bonus, these rabbits are simple enough to feed because they can survive by just eating any sort of grass, but of course, they prefer lettuce or carrots.”

Critics Argue Federal Prisons Too Comfortable

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New federal prison cells said to be too comfortable.

Federal prison cells said to be too comfortable.

Fedhaven, FL – The Federal Bureau of Prisons is under fire for making some of their newest prisons “too comfortable”. A few congressional critics are wondering how the so-called “country club prisons” have started to look more like five-star hotel rooms?

These white-collar Federal Correction Institutions (also sometimes referred to as Club Fed) have housed such infamous convicted criminals as Martha Stewart and Bernie Madoff. In fact, some believe that Martha Stewart is the person most responsible for sparking the tasteful changes that we see today.

Some of the prison cells being criticized have king-sized beds and private on-suite deluxe bathrooms. The Bureau of Prisons defends their actions by stating that their prime directive is to provide guests with safe and humane housing that reflects their core values which are: correctional excellence, respect, and integrity.

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