It is best to not piss off the Godfather of Global Climate Change.
Devils Lake, ND – The Godfather of Global Warming has decided to punish the northern half of MegaKota by routing the icy Polar Vortex back into our entire region.
FMO: “Algore, why did you decide to blast Northern Megakota with a mega-dose of bone chilling Arctic air?”
Algore: “Well, now, I will tell you why. So, sometimes we have to use a carrot and/or a stick. Because of all the terrible horizontal fracking that’s been going on, which I have said is a big No-No, North Dakota needs a strong dis-incentive to not continue with this naughty practice.”
During the near foreseeable future, concerned weatherologists are warning that Global Cooling will be moving in, much like a prolonged uncomfortable visit from your in-laws.
Bismarck, ND – A new pizza delivery company will soon be unlocking its doors in North Dakota.
Prison Pizza Pros will specialize in hot deliveries to those who find themselves behind bars.
All pizzas shall be of the “Deep Dish” variety so as to allow contraband to be secretly smuggled into the inmates who requested the hot delivery.
The idea first came to Prison Pizza Pros owner Frankie Siciliani who thought to himself while doing time, “Man, I could sure go for a hot pizza delivery right now, especially one that has a small metal hacksaw inside of it”.
After asking around, Frankie’s feasibility study revealed that most prisoners would certainly be in favor of ordering a hot pizza that had a small metal hacksaw inside of it.
Some of the more popular choices from Prison Pizza Pros are:
The General Population (Large, All Meat Pizza) The Solitary Confinement (One Topping Pizza) The Death Row Pizza (Super Spicy Jailapeno Peppers)
Williston, ND – With oil prices tumbling and jobs disappearing, western North Dakotans are channeling their frustration into a powerful, singular message: Frack Lives Matter.
Spokesperson Ole Baryll says the once booming oil fields are now standing idle, leaving only run-down man camps in their wake. “The drop in oil prices has left us frackers with a fracking disaster on our hands. We need the world to know how fracking bad it is here. Frack Lives Matter!”
In an effort to raise both awareness and money for the jobless man-campers, the Frack Lives Matter coalition will be staging a protest on Main Street in Williston at 5:00 Friday evening. In true North Dakota style, the protest will be promptly followed at 5:30 by a potluck/dance in the basement of Peace Lutheran Church.
“We’re calling the event Frackfest 2016,” says Baryll. “There will be fun games for the kids, an oil-filled dunk tank, and plenty of casseroles and Cheez-Whiz buns. The Sons of Norway will be serving up Frackfurters & beans, and Erma Johnson is in charge of the coffee. Hoppin’ Joe and The Crude Dudes take the stage at 7:00. Donations will be much appreciated. Frack Lives Matter!”
If you would like to participate in the protest, please dress warmly and bring a politely worded sign to the Town Hall parking lot at 4:30.