Tag Archives: free

Bernie Sanders Waves Good-Bye To Humanity As He Leaves To Become The First President Of Mars

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Mars will be in good hands with Bernie Sanders as the president of Mars!

Mars, Milky Way – Shortly after suspending his 2020 presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders waved to everyone on Earth as he boarded his plane for Mars.

“This is a bittersweet moment. Bitter because Joe Biden looks to be the Democrat nominee for president. Sweet because I look forward to being the first president of Mars,” said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders as he climbed aboard his plane which was being prepared for the long flight to Mars.

Pundits opined that Mars might be a good testing ground for some of the Bernie Sanders plans and programs that the seemingly radical Senator wanted to implement here on Earth.

In his final good-bye to his supporters, Bernie said: “I bid you all farewell, and if you want Medicare For All, please come visit us on Mars, where healthcare shall be a human right, along with free college, and free everything, for that matter.”

FMO To Host Free All-City Concert Featuring Hot Mega-Band “Neon Fruitcake!”

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Neon Fruitcake! coming to West Fargo!

West Fargo, ND – To help get the New Year started off going in the right direction, your FM Observer will be hosting a free concert open to everyone who lives in West Fargo.

The super trending band Neon Fruitcake! will be playing all their current mega-hits including “2020” and “Up Yours”!

If your zip code is 58078 and you’re looking for the place to be in 2020, head on over to see Neon Fruitcake!

Just as the concert is free, also feel free to bring a fruitcake to the event to share with others or toss up onto the stage to show your support of Neon Fruitcake!

Note: Any people from Fargo or Moorhead caught trying to sneak into this concert will be deported back to their county of origin.

FMO’s Medivan To Provide Free Medical Check-Ups To Shovelers

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FMO’s new Medivan is now offering free full physical exams to anyone out shoveling.

West Fargo, ND – While out shoveling heavy snow and pushing your body to the limit, how would you like to step into the warmth of a mobile medical van for a free full physical examination?

Our long-time friend Dr. Fred Wangstone first had the idea of having a Medivan to provide free medical services while he was in prison for having impersonated a medical doctor.

Now that Dr. Wangstone is out of prison, your FM Observer has helped our friend Fred make his pipe dream come true!

If you are out shoveling your driveway, sidewalk, deck, or roof and you see Dr. Wangstone’s free Medivan coming down your unplowed street, simply wave it down to stop for your full free medical check-up along with unlimited Oreo cookies and some spicy hot rum punch.

Clown Parade Coming To Downtown Fargo :o)

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Hey, you can totally trust me! I’m just a nice friendly old scary clown!

Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be invaded by thousands of clowns from across the country.

Many clowns will be descending on Clowntown Fargo because it’s the next site of the annual national Clown Parade.

Despite the fact that clowns have gotten more and more scary during the past few decades, some children are still attracted to clown parades, mainly for all the free candy.

But, how much can you really trust freek candy from a scary clown in a clown parade in Downclown Fargo?

Watch your local news for informational updates on the upcoming Clown Parade in Clowntown Fargo.

Or, if you need immediate assistance, please visit any of the local clowns currently living under the bridge over troubled waters down near Downclown Fargo.

New Test For Dementia Is Highly Conclusive

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If you see any movement in this image, you probably have some stage of dementia.

Crazy Horse, SD – There is now a new and very simple test for determining pre-dementia as well as full-blown dementia.

This test which was scientifically developed by the Dementia Interrogative Program (DIP) is highly conclusive for indicating if someone such as yourself may be leaning toward dementia.

How it works: When looking directly at this black and white image, if you are seeing any movement within the inner circle, this indicates pre-dementia.

If you see movement throughout the entire image, you most likely are already suffering from full-blown (and previously undiagnosed) dementia.

After taking this simple test, if you would like to privately discuss the results of your test with a trained professional, please call any phone number and ask to speak directly with Dr. Willy Nilly (and mention promo code “FMO” for a free My Pillow!).

Mind Expansion Seminars Can Help You Reach Beyond Your Full Potential!

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Consider your mind to be the final frontier of endless possibilities.

West Fargo, ND – Have you been thinking that up until now you have not been using the full power of your mind?

Do you sometimes wonder how much brain power is actually under the hood of your head?

The FM Observer is proud to announce that our dear friend Dr. Madison Pennix will be hosting some powerful and life–changing Mind Expansion Seminars in the FM area.

All subjects related to thinking, memory, logic, intuition, and cognition will be discussed in serious talks sprinkled with levity and personal anecdotes.

Please stop by our corporate headquarters to sign up for these free Mind Expansion Seminars but we do ask for a voluntary mandatory donation of $500 to help provide seminar leaders and special guests with enough food and drink to make them feel like rock stars during their time here.

Ironically, all the letters in Madison Pennix can be re-arranged to spell: Mind Expansion!

Many College Students Admit To Living Off Of Costco Free Samples

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Come and get your free samples…each and every day, mmkay?

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer has learned from our last year’s annual survey that a large number of area college students who are often living on a rather tight budget regularly eat for free at the Costso store.

Franseska Thrice, who’s studying Animal Sciences at NDSU, admits that just by sauntering through Costco and sometimes Sam’s Club, enough calories can be ingested to support life on an on-going basis.

Enzo Jihoon, who is majoring in Cross-Cultural Interactions at Concordia College, is trying to save money to buy a new car, “so why the hell should I pay money to eat, when I can eat for free at Costco, and thereby greatly increase my chances of purchasing that car I’ve been eyeing for months?”

Costco is currently reviewing its long-standing policy of offering free samples to its customers.

“We might have to start charging for our ‘free’ samples if we see an increasing trend of abuse by the college agers,” says an interactive company spokesbot.

FMO’s BiWeekly Public Service Announcements

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Contact FMO’s PSA Department if you have something to add to our next PSA listing.

West Fargo, ND – Here is this biweekly’s rendition of your FM Observer’s mandatory Public Service Announcements, offered freely to you, our beloved readers, under the strict strictures of the PSA Regulatory Council of America, Section VI, Code 9, Clausette B-12, where it clearly states: Thou shalt offer thy beloved readers free Public Service Announcements of your own volition and in accordance with The Regulatory Council of America.

Here are your Public Service Announcements for the week of January 7-18, 2017 (in some particular order):

☺Edna Adams will be hosting a Book Discussion Club in her basement on Tuesdays. The first book Edna would like to discuss is The Bible.

☺Carl Doofkins has a rabbit he would like to find a home for. The Doofster says it makes a good pet or tastes great sauted in a white wine garlic deglaze.

☺Melvin and Marvin Hankster want to sell everything in their basement. They do not believe their black mold problem should negatively affect anything down there.

☺Arlene Sorna would like to thank everyone for helping look for her cat. Unfortunately, Felixia was picked up by a bald eagle and taken to an undisclosed location.

☺Glenn and Marleen Gagsetter will be hosting a family getogether in their garage on Sunday. Please bring a treat to share while remembering that Marleen is gluten-free and Glenn is glutton-free.

☺Jeni Topkins is offering baby-sitting services to help pay for her trip to Colorado.

☺Alvin Damner is looking for a replacement chainsaw blade for his Model 1100 X-Pro after his last one came flying off while Alvin was trying to jimmy-rig his galvanized steel compression pipes.

☺The graduation party for Tim Nugator has been postponed again since it does not look like graduation will be in Tim’s near future.

☺Max Glanders thinks he might have lost his cellphone near The Northern Gentlemen’s Club. Please call Max if you found it. Max’s cellphone number is: 555-555-5555.

☺Doreen Bunglower will not be hosting Bridge Club on Wednesday because she wants to watch the Harry Conick Jr. television show that day since Michael Bolton is the scheduled special guest.

☺In honor of Sid Bumer’s 90th birthday, his family is planning a surprise party for Sid. All guests are asked to dress in crazy costumes and wait quietly in the dining room until Sid wakes up from his afternoon nap.

Fargo’s Ice Maze Is Free Freezing Fun

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Test your navigational skills at the Fargo Ice Maze. It’s amazing!

Fargo, ND – One thing good about Fargo’s cold winters is they supposedly help keep out the riff raff.

The other good thing about having excessively cold temperatures of long durations is their conduciveness for supporting an outdoor Ice Maze.

Fargo’s new Ice Maze is the amazing brainchild of Vaughn Dirkly who been fascinated with mazes since his childhood.

“Ever since I was just a pup, I’ve been making mazes out of pretty much everything you can imagine,” admits Vaughn, who is now a ripe old 32 years old.

Vaughn goes on: “During the summer months, I’ve made mazes out of wood, dirt, cornstalks, water, cars, and even garbage! But now, this is my very first wintertime ice maze. I hope everyone likes it and enjoys trying to find their way through it.”

Even though going through the Fargo Ice Maze is free, people are being asked to bring a bag of Nacho Doritos as a free-will offering donation for Vaughn and his maze team.

Federal ‘Affordable Cheese Act’ Providing Free Cheese From US Government

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There’s no such thing as Free Cheese except when it comes to Big Government.

Cheesetown, Pennsylvania – In its infinite wisdom, the U.S. Government is now offering free cheese to almost anyone willing and able to eat it.

The Affordable Cheese Act was passed by Congress in the dead of night so that we could read what the new law actually said.

The ACA “shall provide free cheese to anyone who voted Democrat in the last election”.

The U.S. taxpayers have already been taxed quite heavily so that this over-abundance of low-grade governmental cheese can now be offered freely to those who may want free cheese from the government.

Federal ACA officials will be offering free demonstrations on how to cut the cheese, and then how to use it to make some basic All-American healthy recipes such as: double grilled cheese sandwitches, macaroni and cheese casserole hotdish, and very deep-fried cheese curds.

To get your free Government Cheese, simply stand in line wherever free governmental handouts are normally offered and use promo-code “FGC-2017” when filling out the mandatory 12-page IRS tax form #C-1270-BO.

As a special bonus, you can even get your picture taken for free at the free cheese handout office. Remember to smile wide and say “Cheese!”