The Pope now says God is telling him to tell us that there is a Hell and sinners don’t just disappear upon death.
Vaticano, Italy – The Pope admits God may have had it wrong when telling the Pope that there is no Hell.
When asked recently about his comments that sinners just disappear and that there is no Hell, The Pope is now saying there still might actually be a Hell and it also goes by the name of Grand Forks.
FMO: Mister Pope, is this your personal opinion or did you hear it directly from God on your Godphone?
The Pope: This is newly updated information from God which comes to me during prayer through my internal connection to God.
We then asked Grand Forks about the Pope’s latest papal clarification:
FMO: Why do you think The Pope is picking on Grand Forks to the point of calling it Hell?
GFS: We have no idea why Grand Forks is being likened to Hell but perhaps this is somehow related to us formerly being called the Fighting Sioux. Someone needs to tell The Pope we changed our name. It’s now the Backdoor Lumberjacks.
In breaking news, scientists have literally discovered a gate to hell.
This fiery hole of death was found right here in a farm field north of Fargo, North Dakota. The farmer who farms the land was doing his regular gallop to check out his crops when he noticed in the middle of the field, light coming out of a hole. Farmer Joe got off his cow (he rides cows not horses) and walked towards the light.
“As I got closer I realized it was a fiery hole of death from hell! I ran back to my cow and rode him home, scared, and soaking with sweat!”
Farmer Joe contacted the local authorities who in turn contacted local scientists around the Fargo/Moorhead area. Five scientists were sent out the next day on their horses and confirmed that it actually is a legitimate gate to hell.
Could it really be? Scientists say they are absolutely sure. Fargo, North Dakota is a perfect spot for satan and his minions to open up a gate to hell, they say. With winter five months out of the year and wind and rain two months out of the year, the town is filled with pain, misery, and hopeless dreams.
Is Satan and his minions planning an attack? Using the gate to hell as a spawn point? Or will they use it as a recruiting tool? Or possibly a spot to sacrifice humans to please their leader? We don’t know for sure yet. Bill is trying to secure an interview with Satan himself but his assistants are being difficult dicks, he says.
Local authorities have blocked off all areas surrounding the hole from hell and stated they will arrest anyone who crosses the line or tries entering the hole.