Indianapolis, IN—In what some are calling a sudden, poorly-timed but not altogether shocking announcement, basketball star LeBron James has come out of the closet…..sort of. He has officially announced, on live TV, that he is gay…for LeBron James.
Following last night’s Eastern Conference Semifinals loss to the Pacers, King James explained himself to ESPN insider Jim Gray while waiting for his flight home. “I want the world to know somethin’ right now. It doesn’t matter if you win or lose or only play 24 minutes while you’re in foul trouble. What matters is that i’m gay.” LeBron said. “You are a homosexual?” replied a stunned Jim Gray. “No, stupid. I’m gay…for LeBron James! Wouldn’t you be? There’s truly nothin’ I can’t do; the best dribbler, shooter, dunker, defender, father, and soon-to-be actor in movies. I’m gay for LeBron James! AAAHHH feels so good to say that! I love me some me, baby!”
What prompted this sudden announcement is baffling to not only the Observer but to the entire basketball community. The spotlight couldn’t shine on James any harder than it will this Friday when the Heat attempt to close out the series at home against Indiana. Now, on top of it all, the Miami media, fans as well as his Heat teammates have to deal with a bellowing narcissist.
A denial of a denial is a confirmation that Aaron Rodgers is gay.
Green Gay, Wisconsin – Shortly after quarterback Aaron Rodgers recently denied being gay, he came out and denied that he made the original denial. The starr quarterback for the Green Bay Packers is essentially denying that he denied being gay.
To help analyze this mind twister, the FM Observer has asked Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D. to make sense of all this for us.
FM Observer:Dr. Farrell, what is going on here?
Dr. Kirby Farrell Ph.D.:Well, this is indeed a mind twister. A denial of a denial is getting into advanced psycho-analytics very quickly and deeply. Because I am a professional, I would say this is either a healthy thing for Aaron Rodgers, or it could be quite toxic. To first deny being gay, and then to deny the initial denial, could be a positive confirmation of Mr. Rodgers’ gayness. It could also be the result of multiple concussions leaving his brain in a permanent state of confusion. Unfortunately, it could also be a sign that lies upon lies are beginning to pile up. Aristotle once said: “The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousand fold.” Aaron Rodgers tried to prove he was not gay by stating that he is happily married. But this argument fell apart when it was discovered that his spouse’s first name is Bruce. Whether he is or is not gay is not the main issue here. What could become a serious problem is going down that dangerous path of denying a denial of a denial. If it never stops, it can be like walking into a house of mirrors, without wearing a helmet.
Sochi, Russia – As a strong sign to the international community that Russia is becoming more open and friendly, Russian leaders have let it be known that the upcoming 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi will, in part, be a giant gay pride celebration.
Ever since Sochi was chosen back on July 4, 2007 by the International Olympics Committee to be the site of the 2014 Winter Games, the Russian government has been working hard to be more sensitive to the gay lifestyle and to make gay athletes from all countries feel welcomed in Mother Russia.
All competitors are encouraged to wear rainbow colors while at the Russian games. The Sochi International Airport will have hundreds of rainbow flags (as seen in the picture) displayed to welcome gay and lesbian athletes from Austria to Zimbabwe.
Mr. Igor Kuznetsov, who heads the Russian Olympics Preparations Committee says to “think of the Sochi 2014 Winter Games as Russia’s giant coming out party for gay rights and the gay lifestyle in general. If Liberace was still alive, he probably would have been playing for our opening ceremonies.”
As another sign of good will, the Russian government is considering the temporary release of the imprisoned members of the all-female punk band “Pussy Riot” and having them perform at the Olympics. Madonna, Bruce Springsteen, Adele, and Sir Paul McCartney all have indicated that this would truly be a loud and positive message “From Russia With Love” to the rest of the world.
Fargo, ND – A couple of gay Love Donkeys will soon “tie the knot” at the local zoo. It’s believed to be the first known pair of gay Love Donkeys in captivity to be married within the confines of a zoo-type environment.
Rev. Matt Tramoni, the zoo pastor, says he believes we’ll be seeing more and more of this type of thing. “Now that gay marriage amongst zoo animals has been legalized under a new federal law, I believe this could be just the tip of the iceberg”, says Pastor Matt.
The zoo trainer admits that the donkeys, Carlton and Cortez, have been life-mates ever since they moved to this zoo. “Even though they couldn’t make it official up until now”, explains Julie Whitebear, “these two have been a paragon of matrimony in all facets of their beautiful donkeyed relationship.”
Apparently, they’re planning on having a private ceremony in the zoo chapel. However, a public reception is being planned for the Spring. Carlton and Cortez are registered at all the top shops. They particularly like sweet snacks and colorful clothing.
West Fargo, ND – We want to make sure you don’t walk into the video store and rent the wrong movie so we have compiled a list of the MUST SEE movies. All with correct title names so you don’t get confused. Make some popcorn, get your favorite blanket, and light a fire. Watch any of the highly acclaimed videos below and enjoy a relaxing night in.
Beat Me With Your Penis
Home With Aids. Orgy of Death.
Grandmas Glory Hole
Poo Orgys Anonymous
Piss On My Tits Then Punch Me In The Face
The Magic Bone
The Cock Ticklers of Breast Mountain
Mouth Farts For You
Itty Bitty Boner Titty
Rape Fantasy Island
Hong Kong Shlongs
Gaydar Cops of L.A.
Hellbeasts of Whore Island
The Essence of Sex part 4 of 5: ANALLINGUS
Rape Me When I’m Dead
Celebration on The Summit of Fuck Mountain
For The Love of Cum
666 Sinister Sexers
She’s Wearing His Genes
Fuck Me Till I Retarded
Brain Me With Your DickBoner
Pierce Me With Your Penis
Juggling Ball Abusers
Pool Party of Piss Kissers
I know this list will prove to be useful to you so don’t forget to print it out and carry it with you wherever you go.