Tag Archives: google

The Orb Is Now Available Wherever Cool Things Are Sold

The Orb knows all.

Potter, WI – If you like ordering cool things online that are even cooler when you open the box, then Google’s new Hairy Potter Magical Orb is for you.

Tech-sperts are raving about The Orb and predicting that it could soon replace the need for Siri, Alexa, and smartphones.

Not only does it answer any and all questions you may have, but also acts as a communication device which does not need any keyboard since it can read your mind.

Google’s new Hairy Potter Magical Orb can answer any questions about the past, show what’s currently happening in the present, and accurately predict the future.

The only thing it cannot do is serve you breakfast in bed, although many people do like to sleep with The Orb.

Google’s New 3-D Printer Can Print An Edible Roasted Turkey

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If eating is believing, then try this!

Turkeyfoot, PA – Leave it to Google to take 3-D printing to the next level.

After some Germans were able to first print edible gummy bears with a 3-D printer, Google has now perfected the ability to 3-D print a ready-to-eat, hot, roasted turkey, just like the one grandma used to pull out of the oven for Thanksgiving.

University of Pennsylvania’s Senior Fellow, Dr. Walter Vonderpluke has been heading up the turkey testing for Google’s 3-D Printing Division: “In my opinion, this Google turkey is very succulent and quite delectable. In a word, ambrosia! To be honest, I cannot believe it was printed with a 3-D printer.”

For those who already own a 3-D printer, simply download the free Google Turkey App and hit the Start button. You and your family will have a beautiful, ready-to-carve, 16 pound Thanksgiving turkey in about 18 minutes.

For those who do not already own a 3-D printer, Santa has been notified.

Google Robot Beats Human At Bocce Ball

Prime Directive: Beat Humans

Prime Directive: Beat Humanoids

Signifying the rapid progression of the artificial intelligence takeover, a Google-owned ATLAS robot at the Institute for Human and Machine Cognition (IHMC) recently beat a human at a game of bocce ball. It not only beat the human, it shut out the human 12-0 using a small series of perfectly-calculated rolls, tosses and heaves.

If you’re unfamiliar with the game of bocce ball, it goes like this: you throw a big ball at a small ball, hoping to get your big ball as close to the small ball as possible. Each person throws 2 big balls at the small ball per turn. If your big balls are closest to the small one, you get two points.


Bong Maxomer

“Google ATLAS is easily able to precog the actual logical physics of immediate-diameter ground terrain using its front-facing laser rangefinder,” explained IHMC Robotologist Wurlot Bong Maxomer. “ATLAS can successfully measure the required distance of a throw, the wind resistance impact on the throw, the terrain and grass’ effect on the throw ALL before completing the throw. He can calculate the ricochet off trees, small animals and his opponent’s ball to the nearest nano-inch. He does this using a pre-programmed quantum physics AlGoreRhythm. It’s really quite remarkable.”

The Google-backed ATLAS program is growing by leaps and bounds. Soon, the ATLAS will likely be able to drive a car to your house and hang out with your wife while you’re out playing golf and being a dull human.

Google Maps Street View Boat Discovers Bermuda Triangle

Google-Street-View-BoatMountain View, CA—Google’s proprietary mapping application Google Maps continues to bring locations around the globe to the tips of your fingers with its roving band of Street View camera cars, jeeps and boats. There is reason to celebrate today at Google headquarters as the Street View team seems to have hit the jackpot with their latest discovery.


The Bermuda Triangle

The second they are taken, Street View vehicles transmit pictures instantaneously via satellite to Google headquarters in Mountain View, CA.

One of Google’s spyboats snapped this photo (seen at right) from smack dab in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean between Puerto Rico, Florida and Bermuda—also known as the Bermuda Triangle. A giant suction vortex can be seen in the photo which was presumably taken moments before the unmanned spyboat met its doom.

Google executives and Bermuda Triangle theorists alike are ecstatic over the discovery of this giant drainage system in the Atlantic. NASA has already caught wind of it and is said to be preparing a Mars rover for deployment into the Bermuda Sinkhole.

So there you have it–the Bermuda Triangle is an enormous toilet. Perhaps we will finally figure out where all those planes and boats disappeared to over the years?

Google To Image Inside Of All Homes

Google Home-View coming to your place

Google Home-View coming to your place

Mountain View, CA – Google recently announced that their controversial Street-View cameras will soon be coming into your home. Ready or not, your home or apartment will have a Google Home-View camera probe and document your personal dwelling space.

This stunning announcement came from the main Googleplex campus near San Jose, California. Google spokesperson Rosemary Belch said: “Think of this as a colonoscopy of your home.”

With state-of-the-art equipment, a Google Home-View representative with a back-mounted 9-directional digital camera will enter your home unannounced.

By law, you must allow the Google representative to enter your residence. Heat-sensing lenses will show them if anyone is trying to hide inside the home. If your house or apartment is unattended, they will enter on their own, with a universal key.

Once inside, they will quickly send high-definition panoramic pictures of your entire living space up to one of many orbiting Google satellites. Some selected homes will be photographed in 3-D images.

Ms. Belch explained: “Since the Street-View cameras already have the outside of your home, now with the addition of complete Home-View images, the entire world will not only know where you live, but also how you live.”

The uses for the Home-View images will be endless, claims Google. Everyone from law enforcement to insurance companies to potential burglars will benefit from seeing a panoramic tour of your living place.

If you happen to be at home when your Home-View imaging is being done, you are asked to simply sit in your favorite chair and smile for the cameras.

Struggling website Google+ threatens suicide

Mountain View, CA – In a not-too-surprising outcry stemming from lack of acceptance, the struggling social networking website Google+ has been audibly lamenting ever being born with threats of self-harm and suicide. The abandoned website was recently seen on a Super Bowl commercial pandering for attention as well as other small TV spots advertising its “hangouts” feature which only truly works as a novelty. This futile effort to garner attention has left the website feeling downtrodden and alone. It had this to say:

“Maybe i’ll just go away. Maybe then you’ll all like me. I’m going to kill myself. I think I might do it. I THINK I MIGHT DO IT! Helllooooooo??? Anybody there?? ANYBODYYYY??? Ok, ok. Sorry. I’m cool now. It’s all good, guys! Let’s have a Hangout! (silence)….guys…..? HELLLOOOOOOOOOOO???”

In a time when social networking is becoming more and more accessible and people from across the world are gaining access to smartphones and internet with greatest of ease, one of the most popular brand names on the internet is having the hardest time finding social networking acceptance. Hey, Google+, when you finally pass away from Chronic Internet Obscurity Disease and go to website heaven, say hi to Google Wave for us.