West Fargo, ND – After a comprehensive state-wide survey, your FM Observer has painstakingly compiled a list of things for which North Dakotans have to be thankful.
So, as you gather round your Thanksgiving dinner table and first go around the table to say what each one is thankful for, you can either memorize some of the following, or simply take out your smartphone and read this list straight off our website.
Things To Be Thankful For If You Live In North Dakota:
1. An upcoming Bison football championship 2. Sanford’s New Level I Trauma Center 3. Our state is a Tsunami-free zone 4. The fabulous Medora Musical 5. That Canada is our neighbor 6. Jamestown’s State Hospital 7. Happy Harry’s Bottle Shop 8. Too Tall Tom Szymanski 9. We’re not South Dakota 10. Horizontal Fracking 11. Global Warming 12. NFL Football 13. Legalize ND 14. The Ralph 15. Cara Mund
Fargo, ND – The Fargo-Moorhead Sertoma Club is again providing a dazzling display of diodes and doodads. Holiday Lights In Lindenwood Park is open to the public and boy, is it impressive. So impressive, in fact, that if you happen to be traveling to Mars for Christmas you can see it from space.
The Holiday Lights can be viewed for a gentle $6.00 admission fee per car or van ($5.00 with canned good donation) or $10.00 for busses and limousines. A particular portion of the proceeds will go towards Caustic Sertoma awareness.
What follows is a public service announcement from the Caustic Sertoma Foundation®.
Caustic Sertoma. What is Caustic Sertoma? Wouldn’t you like to know. Do you or your loved ones suffer from Caustic Sertoma? This regenerative condition affects literally hundreds of people each year. Side effects may include: blood, urination, occasional breathing, hair growth, eyesight and nonviolent mood swings. If you’ve had sertomatic symptoms for more than 4 hours, seek medical attention. People who are pregnant with zika should not have Caustic Sertoma. Ask your doctor if Caustic Sertoma is right for you.
Al Jalaa, Syria—ISIS families across the Middle-East are set to gather around the tire fire tomorrow evening for their yearly Death To America holiday celebration. Death To America day coincides with the American holiday of Thanksgiving.
Terrorists are excited for this year’s festivities. “ISIS يكره ويريد أن يقتل الأميركيين كل يوم باعتبارها وسيلة للحياة، ولكن مرة واحدة في السنة التقويمية، ونحن نجتمع في وئام والغضب. الموت لأمريكا” (ISIS hates and wants to kill Americans every day as a way of life, but once in a calendar year, we meet in harmony, angry. Death to America), said terrorist Kabal Akhbar-Jalalabad in an interview via Skype. “نشاهد الأخبار الخاصة بك، ونحن نرى البرامج التلفزيونية الخاصة بك. السعادة نحن يحتقر ذلك. الطريقة الأميركية في الحياة يزعج بشدة الله وجميع أولئك الذين يتبعون. الموت للكفار, (We watch your news, we see your TV programs. Happiness: We despise it. American way of life strongly disturbs Allah and all those who follow. Death to the infidels,)” he added, while tonguing his AK-47.
Akhbar-Jalalabad went on to explain that he is taking his family to Chuck Cheeze. After that, they will return home to perform their “Death to Infidels” ceremony where the family sits huddled around the tire fire with each child picking a random family out of a US phone book whom the child wishes death to via a series of heartwarming Islamic incantations.
The ceremony is typically followed by ritualistic slaughter of Sacred Chickens but times are tough, says Akhbar-Jalalabad, so they are without Sacred Chickens this year. “ربما نحن جزار تركيا الثمين بدلا من ذلك، ها ها ها ها ها. الموت لأمريكا. (Maybe we butcher Turkey precious instead, ha ha ha. Death to America.)”