The new F-M Curling Club was the deciding factor to have the next Winter Olympic Games in Fargo.
Fargo, ND – The city of Fargo has been abuzz ever since the International Olympic Committee announced that Fargo, North Dakota will host the next Winter Games.
When Fargo first bid for the Winter Olympic Games, most people ridiculed the idea as fake news, and laughed until they cried.
It turns out that in Fargo, the I.O.C. found everything it was looking for in a Winter Games host city.
From their official announcement statement: “Fargo, North Dakota is a paragon-perfect poster-child place that can host the next Winter Games cost-effectively, logically, efficiently, and safely. Plus, Fargo has a lot of fine restaurants and places to drink mass quantities of bier.”
One insider leaked that Fargo’s new, state-of-the-art Curling Club was one of the main reasons Fargo was chosen to host the next Winter Olympix, since curling has now become the #1 favorite spectator event of The Winter Games.
During this leak, the leaker also mentioned that the only real thing Fargo will have to do to prepare for The Games is create some good-sized mountains, possibly from all the dirt that will soon be excavated for the Red River Diversion.
Washington, DC—As yet another ice storm decimates the south with a torrential downpour of frozen goodness, local governments there are declaring a state of emergency. States like Georgia and North Carolina have deemed their roads undriveable and air travel impossible as this new winter storm wreaks havoc.
Having had enough of snowfall and winter in general, our federal government is ready to take drastic measures to fight this ongoing issue. As of this morning, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is lifting the ban on tire fires and other environmentally hazardous burning.
This announcement comes in response to the 12 deaths and over 4,000 canceled flights caused by another winter storm south of the Mason-Dixon line. Enough is enough.
“It’s time to raise the air temperature by any means necessary,” declared EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy. “We will not stand idly by as United States citizens continue to perish.”
The EPA is prepared to forgo the need for an ozone in an effort to end this year’s increasingly long winter season. “Burn all of your garbage, especially tires. Let’s scorch the sky. We want it so hot outside that it melts the shingles right off your house and starts your sunglasses on fire.”
The Observer expected to see an outpouring of rage from local environmentalists, but so far there has been no disagreement with this new EPA initiative. Everybody wants Old Man Winter to back off, man, they’re just sick of him.