Tag Archives: internet

Your FM Observer Is Humbled To Have Once Again Won Best Website Award

FMO wins 2019 Best Website Award!

West Fargo, ND The FM Observer, which began as a simple scribble on a soiled napkin in the dank basement of a defunct church, is so very proud and humbled to once again accept the most prestigious award for Best Website of 2019.

Because of all our faithful readers, we somehow earned this award again by being the main source of news for many people who trust us to provide them accurate information about the latest happenings in our ever-changing world of fluxational madness.

Our incredibly dedicated staff of hundreds, who sometimes sleep less than two hours per night, feel this award only motivates them more to get less sleep in the future.

If you would like to stop by our corporate headquarters to see our latest award, please also feel free to enjoy some excellent Lobster Bisque which was made especially for you!

FMObserver Lost In The Wilderness For Forty Days

At times, we were not sure if we could ever find our way back.

Camp Wilderness – In case you had or hadn’t noticed, the FMObserver website was gone, missing in action, bye-bye for a rather long while. You could say we were lost in the internet wilderness, not much different from those wandering souls in the Blair Witch Project.

Losing a domain name is tantamount to losing your wallet, car, phone, family, and house all at the same time.

But just as a famous doctor of digestion once said: “All things will pass”, we are more than ecstatically relieved to report that the FMObserver, which once was lost, has now been found, born again, back from the dead, risen from the ashes, and is back online.

Now, the dream of our journey toward remaining the most respected and “absurdly observative” satirical fake-news agency can continue unimpeded and hopefully without further impediments.

Moral of the story: Keep all your passwords and PINs jotted down somewhere where someone can find them, in case you unexpectedly are suddenly summoned to your next realm.

The Entire Internet Will Be Down For Maintenance This Weekend

caption hier

Internet Maintenance Task Force member contemplates what needs to be done.

Silicon Valley, CA – The Internet Maintenance Task Force has announced that the entire Internet will be down this weekend to perform some server maintenance and important system upgrades.

Luckily, this should only affect Saturday and Sunday, depending on where you live.

By Monday morning, the Internet should be rebooted and back up and running, for the most part. On Monday morning, there may still be some spotty intermittent outages in certain parts of the world.

Sorry for any inconvience this may cause, and thank you in advance for your understanding and patience.

Our apologies for the short notice, but some very important upgrades have been on hold for awhile now, and this weekend (and possibly next weekend) seemed to be a workable time-frame to get these things done.

Again, sorry for the inconvenience.

caption here

Basic DOS Command Line will be available for emergencies.

Q: Will this affect the entire Internet?
A: Yes, this will affect the entire Internet.
Q: Will I still be able to Google any questions I need answered?
A: Yes, on Monday morning, you should be able to Google again.

In case of emergency, the command line will be available for entering basic DOS commands into the sub-net.

Researchers Uncover Guaranteed Method to Extend Smartphone Battery Life

"Foot did you say? Corn you hear me now?"

“Foot did you say? Corn you hear me now?”

Palo Alto, CA – Stanford University researchers have been conducting top-secret experiments in an effort to dramatically increase day-to-day smartphone battery longevity.

Scientific trials have been performed on lithium-ion batteries and how they precisely integrate with microcomputer hardware, varying from average usage as well as hipster “data junkie” interaction.

Scientists placed gleeful volunteer participants in a locked room with various models of smartphone for specified periods of time. They tested different operating systems (Android, iOS, Windows) in different climates (hot & humid/frigid/room temperature) using varied test subjects (hipsters, teenage girls, the elderly) with both regular-sized batteries and extended-life batteries.

These variables all served the experiment well, but there was one determining factor that made the biggest impact.

The institution’s findings will blow you away. Researchers concluded that the only true method to increase day-to-day longevity of your device is to—get this—use it less. Stanford University Science and Technology researcher Robert Jacobs explains:

“You can attach a charging case to the device or slap a beefed-up battery in your Android or Windows phone hardware if you want to, but both methods are still at risk for technological failure. A sudden glitch in the coding or equipment malfunction, for example. The only 100% guaranteed method of extending battery life is to put the device down and have a serious conversation with a person next to you. Don’t use it as much. Connect on an interpersonal level, not a digital one.”

As if! As if we need a renowned scientific institution to tell us to put our phones down and live our lives! We’re perfectly content with our internet addiction. We are NOT hyperconnected data junkies.

Struggling website Google+ threatens suicide

Mountain View, CA – In a not-too-surprising outcry stemming from lack of acceptance, the struggling social networking website Google+ has been audibly lamenting ever being born with threats of self-harm and suicide. The abandoned website was recently seen on a Super Bowl commercial pandering for attention as well as other small TV spots advertising its “hangouts” feature which only truly works as a novelty. This futile effort to garner attention has left the website feeling downtrodden and alone. It had this to say:

“Maybe i’ll just go away. Maybe then you’ll all like me. I’m going to kill myself. I think I might do it. I THINK I MIGHT DO IT! Helllooooooo??? Anybody there?? ANYBODYYYY??? Ok, ok. Sorry. I’m cool now. It’s all good, guys! Let’s have a Hangout! (silence)….guys…..? HELLLOOOOOOOOOOO???”

In a time when social networking is becoming more and more accessible and people from across the world are gaining access to smartphones and internet with greatest of ease, one of the most popular brand names on the internet is having the hardest time finding social networking acceptance. Hey, Google+, when you finally pass away from Chronic Internet Obscurity Disease and go to website heaven, say hi to Google Wave for us.