After being mentally evaluated, every North Dakotan will be ranked as either Green, Yellow, or Red
Green=Fine Yellow=OK Red=Bad
Bismarck, ND – With much of the national discussion being focused on mental health, North Dakota will proactively soon begin annually checking the mental health of each and every one of its citizens.
A new task force called MIND (Mentally Interrogating North Dakota) will do a thorough evaluation of all North Dakotans on their half birthdays.
Based on the official results of their mental examination, every person in North Dakota, over the age of nine (9) will be given one of three possible rankings:
Green Light: You are fine. No major mental problems were detected. See you again in one year, on your next half birthday. (For example: If your birthday is on April 15th, your mandatory mental exams will be every October 15th.)
Yellow Light: Some concerns were detected based on your responses to questions selected especially for you. You will need to be put on a MIND Watch List and retested monthly, until you are hopefully upgraded to a Green Light.
Red Light: A likely problematical situation was detected. You will be held for further testing to determine the magnitude of the problem. For your convenience, padded shuttle buses heading to Jamestown will be standing by.
Jamestown, ND – Have you ever looked at your self in the mirror long enough so that you forgot you were looking at a reflection? Mirrorologists call this magical moment the Mind Snap Moment, named after Dr. Leonard Mind Snap, who once reported that: “This is the moment when you suddenly think you’re looking at another person instead of your own reflection.”
A Jamestown man, who shall remain anonymous (Lonny Frackenbush), just recently encountered the Mind Snap Moment while looking into his bathroom mirror way too long. Hallucinations of indoor snow and uninvited in-laws began joining him during his 10-hour starefest into his bathroom vanity. Dr. Mind Snap once said: “Mirrors should come with warning labels.” It’s just too bad that Lonny Frackenbush didn’t read this post soon enough.
Early Roman settlement found South of Jamestown, North Dakota
Gackle, ND – A lone deer hunter accidentally discovered some ancient Roman ruins near the town of Gackle, North Dakota.
The Romans are believed to have settled in this rural area of North Dakota after Columbus gave them a ride to America on the Santa Maria.
It is believed that while here, digging for Tyrannosaurus rex bones (which unfortunately became extinct because they tried to raise their minimum wage to exorbitant levels), the Romans were killed off by the Fighting Sioux out of Grand Forks, who were in turn, later wiped out by the NCAA, a notorious left-leaning bureaucracy specializing in political correctness.
To view these amazing Roman ruins with your very own eyes, simply drive straight South out of Jamestown down to County Road 46. Then head on West towards Gackle where you’ll turn onto County Road 56. Go a few miles South where you will want to eventually turn left onto an unmarked gravel road which is near an old barn that’s seen better days. Drive down that gravel road “for awhile” until you see a barbwire fence by some circular hay bales which look like unfrosted maxi-wheats. Then, get out of your car with your camera and cigarettes, and walk about a half mile in any direction, and yell: “Where the hell am I?!”
Jamestown, ND – The State Hospital in Jamestown, ND will be having a Grand Re-Opening soon. After being closed for decades due to political incorrectness, the State Insane Asylum will be resuming operations due to a large spike in demand. Authorities have noticed a sudden growth in the population of crazies in the region.
“Jamestown’s infamous State Hospital is the perfect facility to house them all”, explains Dr. Semor Tranzelvit. “The buildings are in adequate condition and will need no updating or refurbishing from their previous years of service”, believes Dr. Transzelvit.
He goes on to explain that patients will be grouped according to their personal challenges. “All the schizophrenics will be housed together, as will the lunatics, the manic-depressives, the liberals, and the just-plain-crazies.”
Lunches will be force-fed along with usual daily state-of-the-art shock treatments. Just by coming here, all patients automatically agree to be subjects of advanced experimental testing, which is how they can earn extra snack credits.
Jamestown will once again become the location of one of the most progressive insane asylums in the Upper Midwest.
If you think you might need the special attention a facility like this can provide, please call 1-800-ME-CRAZY and answer a few simple questions from one of the friendly staff associates.