Tag Archives: lawsuit

Top Ten Reasons Why The City Of Moorhead Secretly Changed Its Voting Locations

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Good luck trying to find where to vote if you live in Moorhead!

Moorhead, MN – Without letting anyone know, Moorhead city leaders decided to change many of their polling locations.

Many Moorheadians are now wondering why their silly little town would change many of its polling locations without notifying its citizenry.

If you’re looking for reasons, here are some good ones that would explain the odd behavior of the City Council Leaders in this quirky small Minisoda village.

Top 10 Reasons Moorhead Changed Where To Vote:

10. Didn’t think college kids are old enough to vote.

9. Got some bad advice from the Secretary of State.

8. Wanted to keep polling locations a secret.

7. Thought a lawsuit would spice things up.

6. Felt like playing a joke on their city.

5. Thought that no one would really care.

4. They totally deny that they did it.

3. Wanted to give voters a challenge.

2. Simply a power trip gone bad.

1. Because they felt like it.

0. It was time for a change.

-1. Just for the fun of it.

-2. Hey, it’s no big deal!

Fargo Woman Fired From Her Good Job For Having A Bad Hair Day

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Do you think it’s OK to fire someone simply for having a bad hair day?

Fargo, ND – A woman showing up for work at Precision Geometrix Corporation in Fargo was fired on the spot for having an extremely bad hair day.

It is not known whether Ms. Baria Ridderhoff intentionally had her hair looking unusually crazy or if it was just a terribly fortuitous fluke.

From an outside observer’s standpoint (such as her boss), it was deemed to be “bad enough” to ask Baria to immediately pack up her personal belongings and head straight for the exit.

UPDATE: In an attempt to lawyer-up, Ms. Ridderhoff was seen headed to the hairport to allegedly go discuss her case with attorney Michael Avenatti in Newport Beach, California. As she boarded the haircraft, she gave the thumbs-up sign as her wild hair blew wildly in the wind.

Ironically, all of the letters in “Baria Ridderhoff” can somehow be blown around to spell: Fired For Bad Hair!

Fargo Man Suing Hospital For Mistakenly Removing His Novanoid

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Now I gots to go thru life with no-vanoid.

Fargo, ND – After having his novanoid removed erroneously by a distracted surgeon, Donovan Ion is lawyering up to sioux the hospital.

The surgeon-at-fault admits he may have been sexting during the botched operation but veinly consoles by saying not having a novanoid taint the end of the world.

Since the hospital in question clearly lacks plausible deniability, Donovan Ion’s attorney is smelling money all the way to the bank while gathering evidence such as his client’s former novanoid.

Ironically, all the letters in Donovan Ion can be re-arranged to spell: No Novanoid!

ND Lawmakers Vote To Cut Their Own Pay And Always Wear Jeans

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North Dakota to wear jeans while making state legendary again.

Bismarck, ND – Following the new theme of reinventing government, North Dakota lawmakers have voted to cut their own pay by 15%.

“This will show the legendary people of North Dakota that we are serious about making North Dakota great again,” said a blue jeans-wearing caucus leader during an afternoon tea break.

The full legislative body also voted unanimously to make the wearing of blue jeans the new official state protocol pants when those who were elected to represent the people of North Dakota are in session to make North Dakota legendary again.

“We feel that blue jeans represent us rolling up our sleeves and trying to actually get some real work done for our constituents who are probably back home also wearing jeans in the towns and precincts that we represent,” said a senate leader who was working his lariat to rope up his caucus members for a chamber vote.

Legendary studies have also shown that people are way more productive and “just work better”, if you will, when they don’t have to wear a fracking suite and tie which are quite constrictive in more ways than one.

Yes, my friends, there is now a new feeling in Bismarck and throughout the rest of the legendary state of North Dakota that our best days are in front of us, if we all just stand arm-in-arm, singing in perfect harmony, while always wearing blue jeans…and a sweater.

Recently Discovered Neanderthal Man Suing For Being Called Neanderthal

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Even tho me be Neanderthal, me no want be called Neanderthal, mmkay?

Cave, Illinois – A recently discovered Neanderthal man from the Cro-Magnon era is suing anyone who has been calling him a Neanderthal man.

In an effort to reduced the number of times he will be called a Neanderthal in the future, Neanderthal man’s attorney states that the lawsuit is against anyone who has called Neanderthal man a Neanderthal since his recent discovery in a cave.

The lawsuit is for $750 million in the form of a class-action lawsuit against any and all who have referred to Neanderthal man as such.

Neanderthal man was recently discovered down in his cave by some teenagers who say they were “not” going there to experiment with drugs.

Neanderthal man is currently employed in Chicago at the famous Museum Of Natural History as a guide in the Cro-Magnon era section.

Neanderthal man look for mate with whom to mate.

Subsequent to coming out of the cave, Neanderthal man came out of the closet and announced that he is a homo sapien who is looking for a mate to mate to make young Neanderthals just like him.

Neanderthal man likes to walk barefoot in the park, play with rocks, hang out in his man cave, and write hieroglyphics on the walls.

If you would like to meet or make contact with Neanderthal man, simply send him a message translated from your language into Neanderthal using Google’s translation site. Please mark your correspondence specifically to: Dear Neanderthal man!

Harambe’s Family To Sue Zoo Who Blew Him To Timbuktu

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Hey bro, don’t shoot me!

Cincinnati, OH – Family members of the recently murdered, captive, and endangered silverback named Harambe (pronounced Harambe) have lawyered up and plan to sue the zoo where Harambe was shot while assisting a young, overly-curious boy who unexpectedly decided to drop in for a visit.

As we all know, the name Harambe means Working Together For Freedom. What’s left of Harambe’s grieving family has decided to work together and is now filing a hefty $100 million wrongful death lawsuit against the Cincinnati Zoo.

Along with wives Chewie and Mara, and sisters Asha and Gladys, the family’s matriarchs M’Linzi and Samantha successfully convinced Jomo, the one remaining male silverback at the zoo, to contact an attorney who specializes in wrongful death zoo murders.

Harambe’s family’s attorney’s initial public statement: Harambe’s life mattered, mmkay? Harambe was very loved by his family here at the Cincinnati Zoo and they miss Harambe very very much. For Harambe to get gunned down in broad daylight just one day after his 17th birthday is just too much for his family to handle, and understandably so. We will be seeking reasonably large punitive damages, along with major distress payments, and the obvious undue hardship remunerations for the remaining women and children, who grieve Harambe’s death every single sad day, without Harambe in their captive lives, here at the incarcerational Cincinnati Zoo.

Fargo Woman Suing Led Zeppelin For Plagiarizing Her Song ‘Kashmir’

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Mrs. Roberta Plantain performs her song “Kashmir” on the sidewalks of downtown Fargo while wearing her favorite Kashmir scarf.

Fargo, ND – An elderly Fargo woman is planning to sue Led Zeppelin for stealing a song that she claims she wrote back in 1972.

The lady’s name is Mrs. Roberta Plantain and the name of the song that she claims Led Zeppelin plagiarized from her is called “Kashmir”.

She originally wanted to sue Led Zeppelin for $5,000 but her attorney has upped that amount to $50 million.

Mrs. Plantain: “Yeah, they pretty much copied my song note for note, and word for word, after I performed it with my piano on the sidewalks of downtown Fargo back in the early 70s.”

Anyone interested in supporting Roberta in her effort to sue Led Zeppelin is invited to join her downtown sidewalk gatherings where she will repeatedly perform her song “Kashmir” in its full and original version.

McDonald’s Sandwich Lover Awarded $2 Million Settlement

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Pittsburgh, PA – A McDonald’s customer suing the world-famous restaurant chain for damages caused after burning himself on a hot Big Mac has won his case. Ryan Deerfield of Pittsburgh, PA took it upon himself to sue after a piping hot Big Mac burned him while he was enjoying it–but not in the way you and I are picturing. Oh no. Deerfield had taken his love for the Big Mac to a whole new level…

Have you ever heard someone profess their love for a restaurant with such vigor and enthusiasm it made you wonder what sort of drugs they were on? Well, Deerfield made his love of the McDonald’s Big Mac very apparent to store patrons one fine day back in February. According to the lawsuit, Deerfield was under quite a spell that upon ordering the Big Mac, he got so “excited” that he decided to take the sandwich to an enclosed bathroom stall where he proceeded to have “carnal relations” with the food item. Ryan had sex with his Big Mac and the meat grease burned his meat.

Ryan filed suit with the company, citing “gross negligence” for selling a sando that was “too hot to handle” much like the coffee burn victim did many years ago. Damages were awarded to the tune of $2 million dollars and a new disclaimer to be posted on the side of every McDonald’s sandwich wrapper:

“Surgeon General Warning: Sandwich not meant for external application. For internal use only.”

Congratulations, Mr. Deerfield, on being awarded for the disgusting act of sando rape. You are a despicable, deplorable human being. It behooves you to chip off the Observer some of that Big Mac love money, bud. Come on. Hook us up!

Red Bull® gives man wings; man sues

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West Fargo, ND – A local man is suing the makers of Red Bull® energy drink, claiming the product produced “uncomfortable and disproportionate feathery growths” sprouting from underneath both shoulder blades. Adam Odegaard fell victim to the quaint little slogan “Red Bull® gives you wings” the very minute he threw back his fifth can of the caffeine-infused swill while fishing the Sheyenne river. The process was said to have been incredibly painful, and when finished, the flying abilities Adam experienced were akin to that of a newborn vulture. The wings were utterly useless. The Observer caught up with this very flustered individual directly after the incident took place:

“I was inhaling Red Bulls that day. One after the other. All of a sudden, I caught a gust of wind and flew about 25 feet into the air. It sucked. It hurt like hell to flap my new appendages and as I tried to guide myself I had no control & ended up plunging into the river. If I wasn’t completely high and numb from all the caffeine I would have been even more pissed.”

Adam went on to say that the wings were what kept him from drowning, acting as a sort of awkward flotation device. Mr. Odegaard is seeking compensation for damages caused to his body as well as his dignity. Red Bull® could not be reached for comment.