Tag Archives: letter

Area Man’s Unhealthy Obsession With Celebrity Revealed In Cryptic Letter

Discarded pamphlet of longing stokes a blazing fire of mystery.

Fargo, ND – The ever-observant FMO staff acquired an intriguing bit of loot during a recent dog walk. “What is it, boy? What do you got there? No, leave it, it’s trash.”

However, it was clear that this was no ordinary hunk of rubbish. The dog kept at it until it would be retrieved. He wouldn’t let it go. So, the crumpled-up paper was plucked from the snowy gutter.

The smeared contents of this cast-off message were hardly legible but with help from the FMO Forensics Division this proclamation of fondness was successfully deciphered. Behold:

Dearest RW,

A spoon. A tool to use for indulging in the sweet, creamy goodness of ice cream. But Hollywood doesn’t use you — they cherish you. Did you know your name was used as a Wheel Of Fortune answer? It’s plain to see how revered you are in popular culture. Oh, Reese! My nickname for you is

Has a nose for infatuation

but it stops there before it was presumably crumpled up and tossed away. What did the author’s rough draft mean to convey? Obvious clues point to who it might have been addressed, but perhaps we’ll never know its true purpose.

It should be noted that every ‘i’ was dotted with a heart.

Any guesses at what the author’s nickname is for their obsession are welcome in the comments section. All submissions will be hastily forwarded on to the FMO Forensics Division for further analysis.

In response to that Fargo woman’s Halloween letter to obese kids

A Fargo woman called Y-94 the other day and said she was going to hand out letters to “moderately obese” children in lieu of edible goodies because no, that’s not tasteless or shameful at all. In response to that brazen announcement, the Observer would like to fire back. Follow along with her pictured letter, if you will…

Happy Halloween and Happy Holidays, Neighbor!

la-obesity-letter-for-halloween-20131030You are probably wondering why you’ve been given this note. Have you ever heard the saying “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all?” I am disappointed in this negative, demeaning thing you are planning to do.

Your ideals are, in my opinion, overly critical and unnecessary and should not be projected to any child you happen to recognize as “moderately obese”. This type of action is as bad as calling a kid “fat”. You’re nothing more than a bully.

My hope is that you will stand down as a respectable neighbor and keep this shameful letter taped to your bathroom mirror as a constant reminder of how utterly perfect and without flaws you are.

Thank You

Let that serve as a retort until this letter and everything leading up to it is revealed to be a huge prank.