OMG! Where’s Felix?
Fargo, ND – After their dear sweet cat went missing for two days, the Dumstone family desperately dialed 9-1-1.
Specially trained canine units were brought in to hopefully sniff out the lost feline.
It turns out that Felix was found under the Dumstone’s Christmas tree after it had inadvertently been wrapped up as a present (most likely by Grandpa who arguably has dementia.)
Other than being extremely hungry and starved for affection, Felix was fine since Grandpa had somehow thought to put some high-grade medicinal catnip into the box with the cat.
Moral of the story: If you see any Christmas presents moving around on their own, better cut back on your pills, or ask Grandpa if he remembers doing any gift wrapping.
Lisbon, ND – A Lisbon-area wheat farmer has been reported missing. This vast expanse of frozen nothingness has swallowed up yet another victim, it seems, most likely from a missed turn on a gravel road.
Wendell Pierce was reportedly driving back to his farmstead last night after making a trip to Lisbon to pick up a few things. It is believed that during a drive-time fight with a fruit fly in his pickup, Wendell completely spaced turning into his gravel driveway on a remote country road in Southeastern ND and simply kept on going.
Mr. Pierce is now missing. He could be anywhere in the state as he does not own a GPS or a smartphone and the state is mainly comprised of nothing but miles and miles of white tundra bisected by uncharted and poorly-maintained gravel roads.
A statewide search has NOT yet been initiated due to the fact that local search and rescue is too scared to venture out into “The Abyss”. The Observer is asking that you pray like hell he finds his own way back because nobody is crazy enough to go out looking for him.