Tag Archives: minneapolis

West Fargo’s Three Lions Pub: The History Of Its Name

The Three Lions Pub is now back to its original name thanks to a dentist from Minneapolis.

West Fargo, ND – One of the finest pubs in the region is conveniently located on 13th Avenue in eastern West Fargo.

Its name is the Three Lions Pub which has become the den where many local lions like to roar, hang out, drink beer, and consume proper English food.

Regarding their unique name:

It began as Three Lions Pub until a dentist from Minneapolis shot one of the lions, so it was then renamed the Two Lions Pub.

Happily, the two remaining lions had three cubs, and the pub was then renamed the Five Lions Pub.

Sadly, after two of the grown cubs were shot by the same dentist from Minneapolis, it once again reverted back to its original name: Three Lions Pub.

Student Annoys Class with Runny Nose

runny noseRoseville, MN — Students of Gretta Jurcak’s sixth period math class exchanged eye-rolls as classmate Andy Struum sniffled his runny nose for nearly an hour.

Struum’s snorting began midway through third period and continued through lunch and into his final class. As the day progressed, so did the severity of the sniffle, beginning as a tickle and evolving into a full blown gusher. By the final minutes of math, Struum was sucking up snot once every ten seconds.

“It was very distracting for both me and the students,” Jurcak said. “How am I supposed to concentrate on my lesson plan when I can see and hear the snot yo-yoing from his face?”

As Struum refused to use a Kleenex or excuse himself for a bathroom break, Jurcak’s students glared and silently cursed at their classmate.

“I thought I was going to throw up,” student Brad Cheile said. “I was sitting right in front of him and could hear him breathing through his mouth and snorting the whole time. One more minute of class and I would have turned around and told him to blow his friggen nose.”

While many students suffer from nose-blowing anxiety, fearing that they will be bullied for getting up during class to use a Kleenex, few hold out as long as Struum. Horton Jahn deals with yearly bouts of ragweed allergies, but has a system to prevent being “that guy.”

“I find a spot in the back of f the room and sniffle as quietly as possible,” Jahn said. “Then, during passing time, I blow my nose in the bathroom with one of those scratchy brown towels. That usually gets me through the first half of class, but sometimes I resort to wiping my nose with my hand or sleeve — anything to prevent actually using a Kleenex.”

Struum used none of Jahn’s tactics, making the already unpopular sixth period class an hour from hell. After the bell, Struum was kept after class and lectured by Jurcak for being so inconsiderate.

“I guess I didn’t even realize I had a runny nose,” Struum said. “I spent all day thinking about my fantasy football lineup just like very other day. Honestly, I thought people were staring at me because they were trying to read my awesome Charlie Brown t-shirt. If they wanted me to blow my nose they could have asked.”


Odorless Farts Plague Edina Housewives

fartsAfter years of financial prosperity, citizens of Edina, Minn. are worried their flatulence is failing to produce any odor.

Edina, an inner-ring suburb of Minneapolis, is among the wealthiest cities in Minnesota with a median household income of over $75 thousand. In fact, the name Edina is derived from an Ojibwe expression meaning “children who do nothing but get everything.” While many residents enjoy living in large houses, driving expensive cars and participating in youth hockey politics, a few brave housewives revealed that cake-eater life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

“I grew up in Edina and moved back here after I met my husband and dropped out of college,” Edina housewife Trisha Grant said. “But as the years passed I noticed that my toots didn’t smell anymore. It was great at first, but soon my party guests were leaving unexpectedly and I started to worry.”

Grant claims that on several occasions her dinner party guests left after she let loose a fart that shouldn’t have smelled at all. While the Grant family swears no odor was released, the guests insist that the house smelled like boiled oysters.

“It was like a combination of a used Band-Aid, kerosene and dog breath,” Grant’s friend Tim Shorton claimed. “The only thing grosser than the fart itself was the fact that Trisha didn’t seem to smell it at all. And then she went around pouring wine at the table and crop dusted everyone. I know it was rude, but I had to leave or I was going to throw up.”

Proctologist Andrew Phrochno claims that Grant’s case is concurrent with other Edina residents. Several people have complained that even after eating ethnic food, such as Korean, Ethiopian and Thai, their flatulence has not produced any odor at all.

“It’s just weird,” local housewife Natalie Danzak said. “I had eggs for breakfast, Chinese for lunch and a whole mess of beans and corndogs for dinner. But later on, after I tooted, nobody in my family seemed to notice the smell.”

After a 13-year study, Phrochno noticed a correlation between average household income and sensitivity to gastronomical odors.

“Based on my research, it seems that people, especially housewives, living in households that earn more than $150 thousand per year are 90 percent less likely to smell their own farts,” said Phrochno.

The research shows that there is an exponential correlation between average income and sensitivity to flatulent odors. While low-income families remain exceedingly sensitive to fart-smells, high-income families are seemingly immune to the smell of human gas.

“It’s confusing and arousing,” said Phrochno. “I believe this correlation can be attributed to Darwinism, but I would need Darwin himself to explain what is going on.

“Further, it seems like high-income family members aggressively seek out the smell of their own poots and are consistently denied satisfaction. However, low-income families tend to avoid butt-toot smells, but end up sniffing them anyway. It just doesn’t make sense at this point.”

While Phrochno’s research progresses, Edina residents continue to suffer with the inability to smell their own farts.

“It’s about the children at this point,” Danzak said. “I’m afraid that my kids will grow up without knowing their own scent. I’m not political, but I can’t help but blame Obama for this disaster.”

Minnetonka Prepares for First Annual “Milfoil-stival”

ppa_vlmp_milfoil1Excelsior, MN – After running out of reasons to pile boats into the lake, members of the Lake Minnetonka Event Planners have scheduled a celebration of the area’s most abundant natural resource: milfoil.

On August 30 and 31, the group will host the first annual Milfoil-stival in the Excelsior commons. Historically, this slimy, green aquatic plant has been viewed as a nuisance, but as it spreads to more lakes, Minnesotans are beginning to embrace its appealing texture and healing qualities.

Excelsior native Bert Underhill can hardly wait to reveal his new milfoil-based skin treatment at the festival.

“It’s really a great product, I use it all the time. All you do is rub it on your skin and after a few days, when the rash finally goes away, your skin will feel much better,” Underhill said.

Other product for sale will include milfoil salad, deep-fried milfoil on a stick, hand-woven milfoil hammocks and the increasingly popular milfoil hair extensions. “I’m going right for the hair extensions booth,” local teen Angie Stone said. “I’ve had them before and nobody could believe it wasn’t my real hair. Plus, it makes all of your weak, ugly hairs fall out and leaves the good ones.”

The festival will kick-off with an attempt to break the world record for most milfoil-transporting boat trailers towed at once. The chain will begin by picking its first trailer up in Lake Mille Lacs, and will continue to pick up trailers from over 25 lakes on its way down to Excelsior. During this time, competitions for most milfoil caught on one fishing lure, most milfoil transported by one trailer and, for the kids, most milfoil pulled out of Excelsior Bay in one minute.

While the festival is focused on fun and games, local politicians will have a booth advertising a petition to end the milfoil transportation guidelines that plague local boaters.

“It absolutely goes against the First Amendment to ask boaters to check their crafts for milfoil after leaving the lake,” lobbyist Sarah Shammond said. “Unlike the DNR, we appreciate this delicate species and will continue to foster its growth.”

christian ponder

Christain Ponder To Play Kicker

christian ponderMinneapolis, MN  – Exciting and unusual news coming out of the Minnesota Vikings camp this morning.  The word on the street is that Christian Ponder will give up his quarterback position to play Kicker.

Leslie Frazier confirmed the news just this morning.

“We feel Christian Ponder is a great quarterback but an even greater kicker.  That is why, as of this morning, Christian Ponder will be our full-time kicker,” Frazier stated.

I asked how this position and Ponder came about in which he replied, “After seeing him kick the ball around out of frustration during training camp, I knew he’d make a great kicker.”

Joe Webb from quarterback to wide receiver.  Christian Ponder from quarterback to kicker.  The Vikings sure have a unique drafting strategy.

Oh yea, did anyone tell Leslie Frazier his new helmets don’t match the rest of the uniform?  Who’s smoking what in Minneapolis?

At least Mr. Ponder will have a better chance of scoring as a kicker then as a quarterback.