Tag Archives: moon

Secret Santa Drops In Early At Many Local Businesses

Don’t be surprised if Secret Santa drops in at your place of work before Christmas!

Fargo, ND – Secret Santa has recently been making the rounds at many local Fargo businesses.

For any employees who choose to participate in their Secret Santa program, it’s a chance to find out what are some of the hot items for Christmas this year.

Your FM Observer has conveniently compiled a list for you of this year’s top items that people are receiving from Secret Santa:

Anything Trump
Butterscotch Pudding
A small box of Heath Bars
Small plastic Elephants
A can of Mackerel
Any signed book by Deepak Chopra
A box of dried Kasoori Methi leaves
Barbie Bubblegum-flavored mouthwash
A box of traditional Cracker Jack (includes prize!)
A box of marsh-mellow Moon Pies
A small bottle of Johnny’s French Dip Au Jus
A Jesus candle (from the Mexican section at Cashwise)
Flavored Pocky Biscuit Sticks (by Glico)
A box of Prawn Crackers

Blood Bank Looking To Hire Vampires They Can Count On

Vampires sought for Blood Bank

Fargo, ND – The Red River Blood Bank is in dire need of hiring some experienced vampires to be staff phlebotomists and perform venipuncture to collect much-needed blood from client/victims.

During Helloween seasoning, the River Of Red Blood Bank sees a bloody uptick in the need for good blood due to a downtick in those who would voluntarily choose to donate their “liquid life force”.

Venipuncture experience is a +

Undead applicant vampires are being sought to work the graveyard shift, from midnight until dawn, with the monthly exception of full moon nights.

If you’re a well-dressed vampire who’s looking for a regular gig, and who can be counted on to show up for work, please contact Ms. Bella Lugosi at the Red River Red Blood Bank to set up an intravenous interview and a chance to show-off your venipuncture skill set.

Solar Eclipse Cancelled As Some Find It To Be Offensive

Since it’s a religious experience to some, others find solar eclipse to be offensive to their beliefs.

Sunbeam, Idaho – So as to not be offensive to people of certain religious beliefs, the solar eclipse has been cancelled by federal and state authorities.

While statues of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln are being pulled down because of their political incorrectness, the once-in-a-lifetime solar eclipse has now been cancelled after a number of religious leaders cried foul.

One politician wearing a Donald Trump mask in order to remain anonymous explained that by officially cancelling the solar eclipse, his chances of getting re-elected next year might improve with the voters in his district.

So, for all of you who purchased special glasses from Amazon for watching the solar eclipse, it’s not too late to return those via drone.

Now that the eclipse has officially been cancelled, this will give the country more time to tear down more monuments to our offensive past such as the Jefferson Memorial and the Washington Monument. Oh, and Mount Rushmore, you can run but you can’t hide, because they’re coming for you too.

Large School Bus Full Of Illegal Aliens To Pass Between Earth And Moon

This is possibly the first of many busloads of illegal aliens trying to enter the U.S. by flying in over the new Trump Wall.

Moonshine, Illinois – Top scientists from our top-notch science department are warning that a large school bus believed to be full of illegal aliens will be passing between the Earth and the Moon soon.

It is not known who if anyone is drinking while driving this bus nor whether or not it will be just passing on through, making subsequent secondary passes, or perhaps even make a stop for supplies and maby even an extended visitation without representation.

The well-respected Dr. Goytam Tesfalem believes that these so-called illegal aliens might even be trying to 1. either leave this sector to escape paying back taxes, or 2. use the space bus to get over the Trump Wall and freely enrolled in Obamacare.

Spaceologists are wanting to point out that the space-travelling busload of alien freeloaders will be visible during upcoming night skies and there is even a chance they may land in your back yard so you might want to stock up on a variety of refreshments so as to be prepared and not seem like you didn’t expect to be having some unexpected guests drop in directly from space, the penultimate frontier.

Super Moon Proves It’s Moving Closer To Earth

Earth's gravity is pulling the moon closer toward us. Scientists believe our moon will eventually be just a few miles away.

Earth’s gravity is pulling the Moon closer towards us. Scientists believe the Moon will eventually be just a few miles away.

Moon Unit, USA – The recent full super beaver moon is proof positive for many that the Moon is indeed moving closer to Earth.

Experts say that if the current rate continues, the Moon should be just a few miles away from Earth by the year 2035.

This process is what moonologists are calling Global Mooning.

Vladimir Johnson, who has been studying this topic for many moons, strongly believes that the Moon will eventually park itself just a few miles away from Miami, Florida.

This is believed to be the reason for the famous song: Moon Over Miami which was recently made famous by Ray Charles.

With our Moon soon basically permanently parked over southern Florida, this will open up a whole new world of possibilities for: 1. Moon living, 2. getting away from your in-laws, and 3. setting up an alternative society with its own new government.

If you would like to join the list of people who want to get away from it all (but don’t want to move to Canada), simply go to Healthcare.Gov and sign up! Please indicate what your current name is and then what name you would like to be called on the Moon.

NASA Rocket Launch Bringing Two Of Every Species To The Moon

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Noah’s Rocket is full of animals!

Moonshine, Illinois – NASA has unveiled its new Noah’s Rocket designed to bring two of every animal species to the moon in a last-ditch effort to save the Animal Kingdom from an imminent world-wide cataclysm.

N.O.A.H. (National Operative Aerospace Hyperchamber) is making its maiden voyage from Moonshine to Cape Canaveral via big truck trailer. NASA will then procure a prolific specimen profile to propel into space aboard N.O.A.H. After which, N.O.A.H. is slated for launch from the Cape in September of this year.

Top secret intel gleaned by FMO shows that in the cargo bay area of Noah’s Rocket will be two of every animal from Planet Earth. During their short trip to the Moon, the in-flight movie will be Eddie Murphy’s Dr. Dolittle. Once safely on the lunar surface, all of the animal pairs will be handed over to the Chinese, who have already secretly established a Table Tennis Complex on the Moon. In addition to Ping Pong, they will be able to add a much anticipated Petting Zoo.

NASA is working hard to make N.O.A.H. a success. “Between now and the day we launch, if science discovers any more species, we’ll be sure to jam em in there,” remarked project lead Whackite Bangtowner. Bangtowner, a Supreme Biologist, noted that there is one animal species they have not yet included in the trip. “If you know any homo sapiens who want to be thrust violently into the moon along with the rest of Earth’s creatures, please, don’t tell Obama.”

NASA Reducing Its Goal To Just Being Able To Successfully Launch A Rocket

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NASA’s Antares Rocket Wallops An Island Off Virginia

Wallops Island, VA – Despite an apparent ‘glitch’ during take-off, NASA is saying that everything is under control and that no one should have any reason for concern.

Even though many on-lookers witnessed an alleged explosion during the attempted launch of the NASA Antares Rocket, government officials are down-playing the event as a possible ‘abnormal termination’.

Because of this, however, the future goals for the NASA space program could soon be lowered. Rather than shooting to return humans to the moon by 2020 and sending a manned mission to Mars by 2030, NASA is considering changing its goal to just being able to successfully launch a rocket into space without it blowing up on the launchpad.

A NASA spokesperson spoke: “By changing our blueprint for future deep space exploration, we are better aligning our goals with the true capabilities of a governmental agency to effectually bring a mission to a successful conclusion.”

The good news is that even though the U.S. has become totally dependent on the Russians to get us to and from the International Space Station ever since our own Space Shuttle program was ended in 2011, we luckily have maintained a great relationship with our friendly Russian allies.

Get Your Ass To The Moon Soon

Why do you think they called him "Buzz"?

Why do you think they called him “Buzz”?

Los Angeles, CA – At the swanky home of Sir Ashton Kutcher, plans are well underway to begin the Earthification of the Moon.

Ashton Kutcher and Buzz Aldrin are self-appointed co-chairmen of the Moon Earthification Project.

Even tho they don’t agree on every detail of Project Moon, one thing they do agree on is: “Once we’ve established a McDonald’s restaurant on the McMoon, then everything else can build off of that. As long as early Moon workers can go get a few McNuggets and a McFries, things should start to seem Earthly” said General Kutcher to the Moon Project Groupies.

Red-eyed Buzz Aldrin then went on to describe some of the other exciting plans: He will be opening a large moon bar called “Just Buzzed”.

His friend, Neil Armstrong, along with the Michael Jackson Neverland Foundation, will be building the Moon Walk Mall, which Donald Trump says “will be fabulous”.

Moon Unit Zappa, daughter of the late great Frank Zappa, will be naming each new community Moon Unit #1, Moon Unit #2, and so on, and so forth.

The Chinese have already begun construction of an exciting series of Olympic-style Ping Pong Parks all connected by a nexus of smog-free bike paths.

Iran is building multiple nuclear reactors which will supposedly only be used for generating power, according to Secretary John Kerry, who will be personally doing monthly verificational inspections.

Affordable ObamaCare Health Centers will be available for anyone who has recently lost their health insurance due to ObamaCare, and whose combined annual income is less than $23,000, and who has voted Democratically in the last six election cycles.

Ashton Kutcher sums it all up like this: “The Earthification of the Moon has begun and is now unstoppable. The more we can make the Moon like Earth, the more people are going to want to make the move to the Moon, which will result in less people on Earth, which should hopefully slow down global warming due to the build-up of extremely toxic gases such as Carbon Dioxide.”

When axed what role he would like to play in all this, Ashton Kutcher thoughtfully admits that he wants his main goal to be the minimization of the sexploitation of minors on the Moon, by such heinous groups as the Catholic Church, and the nefarious Sexaholic Politicians Anonymous.

If you would like more information about getting YOUR ass to the Moon, please go to www.Healthcare.gov and simply click on the “Moon Unit” icon, near the top of the page. Don’t forget to enter the passcode: BUZZ.