Tag Archives: murder

FMO Asking: How Safe Do You Feel In North Fargo?

FM Observer’s Man-On-The-Street wants to know what you think!

Fargo, ND After Fargo’s mayor firmly declared the city to be safe despite some recent fatalities just North of the downtown area, our FM Observer’s man-on-the-street went out to ask some locals living in that area of town the following simple question:

Question: How safe do you feel in your North Fargo neighborhood?

Here are some of the answers we got:

I feel as safe as caged pigeons in the basement of a Chinese restaurant.

I feel as safe as a young baseball fan sitting in the foul ball section of a Cubs game.

I feel as safe as a French cathedral while restoration workers have a smoke break.

I feel as safe as American tourists vacationing in the Dominican Republic.

I feel as safe as an afternoon clerk at a Howard Johnson’s Inn.

I feel as safe as private insurance companies during a Bernie Sander’s rally.

I feel as safe as a typo in a document about to be spell-checked.

I feel as safe as a bottle rocket in a match factory.

I feel as safe as an African lion within sight of a Minneapolis dentist.

I feel as safe as a case of ice-cold beer at We Fest.

I feel as safe as the owner of a Texas BBQ food truck.

Harambe’s Family To Sue Zoo Who Blew Him To Timbuktu

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Hey bro, don’t shoot me!

Cincinnati, OH – Family members of the recently murdered, captive, and endangered silverback named Harambe (pronounced Harambe) have lawyered up and plan to sue the zoo where Harambe was shot while assisting a young, overly-curious boy who unexpectedly decided to drop in for a visit.

As we all know, the name Harambe means Working Together For Freedom. What’s left of Harambe’s grieving family has decided to work together and is now filing a hefty $100 million wrongful death lawsuit against the Cincinnati Zoo.

Along with wives Chewie and Mara, and sisters Asha and Gladys, the family’s matriarchs M’Linzi and Samantha successfully convinced Jomo, the one remaining male silverback at the zoo, to contact an attorney who specializes in wrongful death zoo murders.

Harambe’s family’s attorney’s initial public statement: Harambe’s life mattered, mmkay? Harambe was very loved by his family here at the Cincinnati Zoo and they miss Harambe very very much. For Harambe to get gunned down in broad daylight just one day after his 17th birthday is just too much for his family to handle, and understandably so. We will be seeking reasonably large punitive damages, along with major distress payments, and the obvious undue hardship remunerations for the remaining women and children, who grieve Harambe’s death every single sad day, without Harambe in their captive lives, here at the incarcerational Cincinnati Zoo.

Moorhead Crocodile Charged With Killing Of Defenseless Calf


The alleged crocodile has no comment at this time.

Moorhead, MN – Authorities are investigating the murder of an unarmed defenseless calf just outside the Moorhead city limits.

The alleged incident allegedly took place on the banks of the Red River.

The alleged suspect is a 600-pound crocodile, whose name is not being released at this time.

Residents are being told to not jump to any conclusions based on the sketchy information which is slowly coming out about this story.

Crocodiles have been known to attack young animals with ferocious ferocity.

The good news is that none of the other crocodiles currently in the Moorhead area have any record of this type of unnecessary brutality.

Update: Moorhead authorities have now released the name of this killer crocodile.
His name is: Ferguson.

Jason Voorhees taking this Friday the 13th off

Camp Crystal Lake, America – The Observer has learned that in a shocking turn of events today, well-known blood fiend and murder artist Jason Voorhees has decided not to stalk & slash this Friday the 13th. This news comes as a relief to many, especially the occupants of Camp Crystal Lake. Campers have already begun rejoicing:

Freddy, 17-
“Wow! I can finally sex my girlfriend without fear that that ghoulish prick will collapse my tent and disembowel us!”

Amanda, 16-
“My friends and I are taking the pontoon out tonight since Jason is not going to cut us the fuck up.”

Todd, camp counselor-
“The wife is mega-pissed that I have to go open up Camp Crystal Lake for the weekend. We usually take Friday the 13th weekends off to spend time with the family. I guess Jason is too busy to go on a killing spree. Now, the rest of us have to suffer.”

When asked about the decision to not slay this evening, Mr. Voorhees had this to say:

“[heavy breathing] [blank stare]”

We here at the Observer are glad to hear that one of history’s most notorious killers is willing to put away the machete and just chill for a night. Don’t be surprised if you see a towering figure wearing a beat-up goalie mask and tattered overalls serving soup to the needy at the Crystal Lake homeless shelter tonight.