Mars, Milky Way – Even though scientists have now officially discovered life on Mars, they are admittedly a bit underwhelmed by the fact that it’s just some lichens.
However, top Mars lichenologist Dr. Charles Nim says: “We are lichen what we’re seeing with this Mars rover!”
Dr. Nim notes that it’s quite amazing that we’ve now found a mutualistic relationship of algae and fungi living and breathing on the Red Planet, but trying to communicate with it has so far been a challenge.
“These lichens are forming themselves into the shape of a human brain to supposedly better communicate with us,” the Nimster explains.
Using lichenometry, the orange lichen colony appears to be about 54 million years old but doesn’t look a day over 50 million years.
Going forward, Dr. Charles Nim shared this final thought: “We are lichen our chops to find our more about this life that we have discovered on Mars!”
As you might expect, all the letters in Charles Nim can re-arrange into: Mars Lichen!
Experts are wondering: If Mars has buildings, could it also have landlords and tenants?
Utopia Basin, Mars – After first discovering water, and then chocolate on Mars, NASA experts have now confirmed the existance of what appear to be buildings on the Red Planet.
NASA’s Beagle 3 has been sending back some amazing and surprising images since it landed just a few months ago.
“We were literally stunned to find actual buildings on Mars, some with what appear to be lights on inside them,” says Dr. Soni Flamer, who heads up NASA’s Look For Life program.
“These building-like structures that we are seeing on Planet Mars were perhaps never noticed before due to large sandstorms in the Utopia Basin area,” added Dr. Simon Rafel, who sometimes thinks he’s in charge.
Ironically, all of the letters in Soni Flamer and Simon Rafel can be re-arranged to spell: Life On Mars!
Mr. Hankey believes this is indeed an alien spacecraft based on the fact that it actually has functional headlights.
Oumuamua, Hawaii – The FM Observer is proudly excited to exclusively report that we have just received confirmation from Mr. Hankey that the large meteor which is on a collision course with Fargo, North Dakota is actually an alien spacecraft disguised as a giant French bread even though CNN has been referring to it as one of Bill Clinton’s wayward cigars.
Mr. Hankey in his own words: “By using special equipment at our FM Observatory on Hawaii, we have noticed that the alien French bread not only has headlights, but they are actually turned on, and aiming directly at Fargo, North Dakota.”
“Not only that, but we have also picked up radio waves from this French bread which seem to be continually broadcasting Rush Limbaugh’s theme song, intermittently interrupted with a high-pitched voice asking for a secret meeting with Donald Trump and his son-in-law.”
Because of this new revelation, special counsel Robert Mueller now believes President Trump (with some assistance from Stephen Hawking) has been colluding with aliens, which are seemingly on a collision course with Fargo, North Dakota, whilst travelling at the speed of bread inside a large French-made spacecraft waiting to be lit like a Clintonian cigar.
Captain Jack says to be very careful what keys you push as some can pop open the plane’s cargo bay doors while in flight.
Organ, NM – As former test pilots for NASA, a few of our FMO staff members got to personally witness the unveiling of the latest Boeing 797 airplane.
While having every modern convenience known to man, some might say that the new Boeing 797 plane’s cockpit resembles a large organ.
“But don’t be fooled!” says Captain Jack Perkins.
“Literally every aspect of the new Boeing 797 airplane can be control with the press of a key, or in some cases, a special secret combination of keys.”
As a safeguard against hijackers, the normal flying of the plane is controlled by what type of music Captain Jack plays. If flying through some bumpy weather, Captain Jack plays a lively polka. While flying in calmer skies, the Tennessee Waltz might be more apropos.
Washington, DC – With his growing unconstitutional powers, President Obama is planning on executing another of his executive memos.
This time he is plotting to ask all top Republican leaders to take a “tour” of a new NASA rocket.
When all are aboard, the tour will suddenly blast off into a one-way ticket to another galaxy.
NASA spokesguy Buzz Almond says: “This is actually a pretty clever way of getting rid of all the gridlock in Washington. We need the President to be unfettered by the old traditional checks and balances. Sending all the Republicans into outer-space should really help the Obamagenda.”
If we could travel at light speed, the trip to the next galaxy would take about 150 years. But, of course, the warp-drive engines are not working, so the trip will take eons.
Unfortunately, because of threatened cuts to the rate of growth for most governmental agencies, the Republican Rocket will only be stocked with enough food for about 12 days.
Upcoming presidential executive memos to watch for are: Nationalizing all public and private golf courses, becoming one large combined country with Mexico, total government control of television and the internet, and the construction of large work camps for all who dare to oppose the Democrats.
Pasadena, CA – Mission control for the worldly popular Curiosity on Mars excursion has released a preliminary report of the rover’s findings. These highly unclassified and somewhat opinionated documents provide detail on what NASA has already figured out about the Red Planet. Here are a few snippets:
The Curiosity rover has not yet floated away from the planet which leads us to believe Mars has a gravitational pull. Enough gravity, in fact, to keep rocks and Curiosity firmly grounded.
Mars has rocks. Rocks all over the damn place. Many of them a burnt-sienna/reddish color. We will utilize Curiosity’s laser system to analyze the rocks for science. FIRST!
The Curiosity rover is a technological wonder. Fueled on nuclear energy, it contains enough self-propulsion to roam the Red Planet on its own for many months collecting data for our mission. Meanwhile, our Earth vehicles (cars) require extensive hands-on repairs and maintenance on a month-to-month basis just to get us to work and back.
No atmosphere on Mars. It would take a legion of Curiosity rovers to build an oxygen-containing biodome that might be sufficient in sustaining human life. This type of project is easily a lifetime in the making–our kids’ kids might live to see it happen, but will likely never afford the financial expense necessary to experience it.
Seems to be plenty of uninhabited territory here. Nothingness. This excursion is turning into a blatant misappropriation of government funding that could have easily went towards aiding the less-fortunate beings of the planet we currently reside on (Earth) instead of analyzing an enormous ball of red rock. No telling yet whether the government is planning to deport the nation’s homeless to Mars instead of providing more sufficient government aid for their disabilities and misfortune on the home front? Foreclosed-on families are living on the streets in America.
Curiosity will complete a two-year mission on the surface of Mars– tooling around, analyzing dirt and junk just to make sure nothing ever lived there. Pretty darn cool if you ask me.