Tag Archives: native americans

ND Leaders To Tribal Councils: Please Stop Doing Rain Dances

Dancing For The Rain

Dancin’ in the rain

Fargo, ND – With standing water in ditches and mosquitos breeding fast in waterlogged North Dakota, state and city leaders are urging Native American communities to cease practicing their ritual rain dances until further notice.

“We’re beyond soaked,” said Representative Flo Anderson. “Our state and our citizens desperately need a break from the downpours. All we’re asking is for the tribes to start doing some other kind of dancing until we can dry out a little. Sun dances. Wind dances. Break dances. Anything but rain dances. Folks are tired.”

One especially problematic issue is the growing frequency of “Splash Mobs” within the state. Organized via social media, these large groups of tribal rain dancers are spontaneously popping up all over North Dakota. The results are wreaking havoc on regional weather patterns.

According to Vern Drencher of the National Weather Service, “The collective power of the Splash Mob creates meganimbus events unlike anything we’ve seen before, dropping 6 to 8 inches of precipitation in under an hour. We’ve been monitoring this phenomenon in the Spirit Lake area for some time. However, the Native American youth are taking it to a whole new level. And that spells W-E-T for you and me.”

The FMO caught up with tribal spokesman, Jeremiah Raincloud, who, after listening to this story, smiled, tipped his hat to us, and said absolutely nothing.

Learn To Count Just Like Indians

IndianCommandmentsx2Lakota, Dakota – Besides being your ever-reliable source for the latest in serious satirical fake news journalism, the FM Observer can also be a powerful free educational tool for many who seek to continuously expand their brainpower.

Today’s free educational offering combines learning a Native American language, along with some basic numerology. At the end of this exciting lesson, you will be able to fluently speak the numbers 1 through 10 in the original Dakota Sioux native tongue.

Please note: Once you have committed these new terms to memory, it is very important to use them as much as possible in your daily conversations. Feel free to make flashcards and test yourself, or ask a complete stranger to pop quiz you.

So now, without any further ado, the FM Observer proudly presents:

How to speak 1-10 in Dakota Sioux:
 1. Wanzi
2. Nonpa
3. Yamni
4. Topa
5. Zaptan
6. Sakpe
7. Sakowin
8. Sahdogan
9. Napcinwanka
10. Wikcemna

{Look for more free educational trainings from FMO in the near future. Some upcoming hot topics may include:  1. How to make toast perfectly every time,  2. What to look for while cloud gazing,  3. Twenty creative uses for your vacuum cleaner.}