Tag Archives: negative

Fargo Man Who Dreams He Was On A Cruise Ship Wakes Up With Corona Virus

If you find yourself dreaming that you’re on a cruise ship, get tested for the Corona Virus before waking up.

Fargo, ND – While sleeping soundly in his Fargo home, a man who had a dream of being on a cruise ship woke up testing positive for the Corona Virus.

After deciding to self-quarantine in his bedroom, the man fell back asleep only to find himself back on the same cruise ship where he could at least be quarantined somewhere else besides his Fargo bedroom.

Once the dream cruise ship ran out of food, hunger caused the man to wake up again back in his Fargo bedroom only to discover that he did not actually have the Corona Virus and that the whole thing had been part of a larger dream.

To celebrate the fact that he was now truly testing negative for the Corona Virus, the man booked a cruise on a real cruise ship where he subsequently did actually catch the Corona Virus and as you might expect is now quarantined on that particular cruise ship.

Interestingly, while actually being quarantined now on a real cruise ship, the Fargo man in question had a dream that he was waking up back in his Fargo bedroom and testing negative for the Corona Virus.

Prince Harry And Meghan Markle Moving To Moorhead Minnesota To Live A Normal Life

Baby Archie is looking forward to attending school in Moorhead.

Moorhead, MN – The bad news is things are not going well for Prince Harry and his wife and child while living in England.

The good news is that Harry, Meghan Markle, and their baby Archie will soon be moving to Moorhead, Minnesota in search of “a normal life”.

Prince Harry’s relationship with his brother William has devolved into an internecine war while the Duchess of Sussex is under constant negative media scrutiny in England.

Meghan Markle, who once enjoyed visiting a friend in Moorhead, decided the royal couple wants baby Archie to grow up in a nice, friendly, normal community like Moorhead.

Meghan also likes Moorhead because it doesn’t have a newspaper but does have an airport.

Prince Harry may want to build a castle in Moorhead for his family, along with a moat…with a boat.

Creative Ways To Decline An Offer (Besides Just Saying No)

If just saying NO doesn’t work, try one of these negative phrases:

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer recently brought in two excellent professional life coaches to instruct our entire staff on how to say “NO” in a number of different ways.

Let’s face it, there are many times you’re asked if you’d want to volunteer for a committee, or buy a coupon booklet, or get involved in some weekly activity. At the time, you know you should decline, but for some reason you say YES (and later regret it).

Certified Life Coaches Sonja Yust and Tony Jauss (who headquarter out of New Orleans, or NO-town) had us practice saying a number of useful phrases that can be used when trying to decline an offer when someone is asking you to do something you’d really rather not agree to.

After first responding by saying “Why do you ask?” then use any of these cleverly designed phrases as an alternative to just saying NO:

⦿ What part of “Nyet” don’t you understand?
⦿ This is not part of my agenda for this decade.
⦿ All signs are pointing toward non-concurrence.
⦿ My jurisdiction doesn’t cover this type of fiasco.
⦿ Thanks for asking, and for never bringing it up again.
⦿ I can commit to not committing to your misguided plans.
⦿ I gave up doing things that make me want to kill myself.
⦿ Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you in 20 years.
⦿ This idea is more undesirable to me than nude ice fishing.
⦿ Unfortunately, I don’t see this as being on my Vision Board.
⦿ I am currently not in the market to buy what you’re selling.
⦿ There are more gullible people you should discuss this with.
⦿ You seem to be barking up the wrong tree at the wrong time.
⦿ Your presentation is not falling into any common sense category.
⦿ You should rethink this idea until it starts to make some sense.
⦿ My news years resolution was to avoid stupid ideas like this one.
⦿ I would rather remove my own gallbladder with a rusty pitchfork.
⦿ Life is too short to pursue things like this that seem to totally suck.
⦿ I’ll consider your idea after the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl.
⦿ This is the exit point at which I plan on disembarking this train to hell.
⦿ There are worse things I could agree to but I can’t think of any right now.
⦿ Sorry. That’s the day of my grandmother’s soccer game, and I never miss those!

⦾ Ironically, all of the letters in both “Sonja Yust” and “Tony Jauss” can easily be re-arranged to: “Just Say No!”

Husband Living In Doghouse Learns To Do Tricks For Treats

Moorhead man banished to doghouse earns treats for learning some basic tricks.

Moorhead man banished to doghouse for being so negative earns treats for learning some basic tricks.

Moorhead, MN – After multiple misbehavings, Mr. Rolph Barker was banished to the doghouse by his wife.

Since then, and after being on a short leash for long enough, Rolph has started to show positive signs of improvement says Mrs. Barker.

“By using a strict system of threats and bribes, Rolphy seems to be learning what he can and cannot do. Also, he used to always be so negative, but we are quite positive that his behavior is starting to change for the better.”

An anonymous neighbor who’s been curiously observing the whole process, says that Connie Barker, a professional dog trainer, has been rewarding Rolph with treats such as beef shtix and beef jerky for learning to do tricks and odd-jobs on her honey-do list.

Every so often Connie will take her husband to play with some of the other husbands-in-training at the neighborhood dog park.

If you have a similar success story, please contact your local dog pound to share what’s been working for you.

Dr. Finance Explains Negative Interest

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Dr. Finance knows money. That’s why his latest book is called ‘Know Money’.

Green Bank, NJ – Dr. Finance is back by popular demand to answer another money question from one of our smarter readers.

Ms. Evette Ragsdale from Square Butte, Montana asks: Dear Dr. Finance, On a local radio talk-show, a financial expert mentioned the term “Negative Interest”. Could you please explain what this means? Thanks, Evette

Dr. Finance: Thank you, Evette, for that interesting question.

1. The term “Negative Interest” was first coined when scientists in the lab noticed that positive ions were only interested in attracting negative ions to be their life-long spousemates.

2. Later, movie-maker Woody Allen made the term a household phrase in one of his earlier movies when he was not invited up to a woman’s apartment at the end of their first date, because she had “Negative Interest” in pursuing a relationship with him because of his quirkiness.

3. More recently however, that same phrase is being applied by large banks which used to happily help a youngster open a savings account with the coins in their piggy bank. Since it’s usually such a small amount of money, the banks have “Negative Interest” in helping smaller investors because they would rather spend their time helping rich people like Rachel Maddow, who makes seven million dollars a year.

If you have a money question for Dr. Finance, please mail it in a green envelope along with at least $100 cash (for shipping and handling) to the FM Observer, attention Dr. Finance.

Fargo Band Selected To Perform During Halftime Of Next Super Bowl

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Double Negative is not expected to not perform during halftime of Super Bowl 51!

Fargo, ND – The ever-popular Fargo band “Double Negative” has just been chosen to play during the halftime of Super Bowl 52!

Even though the news came as quite a surprise, the seasoned band members all took it in stride.

Lead singer Mattie Guzman: “At first, we thought we didn’t have what it takes, but that attitude won’t get you nowhere.”

Guitar and saxophone player Tony Malone: “We can’t not be any worse than Coldplay was.”

Drummer Jimmy Chambers: “We haven’t never played for an event as big as the Super Bowl.”

Keyboardist Garland Gendron: “Nobody with any sense isn’t going to miss playing this gig.”

Bass player Adam Stokes: “I don’t not think this is a very, very big deal!”

Some of the songs that Double Negative often plays at gigs in Fargo include:

I Can’t Get No Satisfaction
We Don’t Need No Education
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough

Some of the songs written by Double Negative and which you can expect to hear during halftime of Super Bowl 51 are:

That Won’t Do You No Good
I Ain’t Got No Time For You
She Never Kisses Nobody