Tag Archives: news

“Days Of Our Lives” Soap Opera Being Replaced By Another Called “Endless Impeachment”

Endless Impeachment will now be taking the place of Days of Our Lives

Washington, DC – Sadly, the long-running soap opera Days Of Our Lives which began in 1965 will soon be terminating due to lack of interest.

However, in its place will be another long-running soap opera called Endless Impeachment which does not suffer from a lack of interest.

Unlike Days Of Our Lives which was an hour-long show just on week days, Endless Impeachment will run 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

President Trump tweeted that he is looking forward to watching Endless Impeachment when he isn’t busy golfing, but thinks the show should instead be called Creatures From The Swamp!

Society Beginning To Show Signs Of Early Dementia Along With Schizophrenia And Bipolarism

The three windows of collective crazy are schizophrenia, bipolarization, and dementia.

Earth, Milky Way – Social experts are now in unanimous agreement that global society in general is showing all the telltale signs of madness.

Dr. Gamela Dowling explains that all the signs are present to evidence the fact that the world’s human population as a whole is tilting toward group sickness.

Dr. Omega Dingwall says that the three-legged stool of a society going crazy is: 1. demographic dementia, 2. social schizophrenia, and 3. behavioral bipolarity.

Doctors Dowling and Dingwall will carefully continue to observe global society for signs of group sickness as should each and every one of us, as we comfortably sit down to uncomfortably watch the local, national, and world news reports documenting the crazy times in which we live.

Crazily, all the letters in both Omega Dingwall and Gamela Dowling re-arrange into: We All Going Mad!

Your FM Observer Is Humbled To Have Once Again Won Best Website Award

FMO wins 2019 Best Website Award!

West Fargo, ND The FM Observer, which began as a simple scribble on a soiled napkin in the dank basement of a defunct church, is so very proud and humbled to once again accept the most prestigious award for Best Website of 2019.

Because of all our faithful readers, we somehow earned this award again by being the main source of news for many people who trust us to provide them accurate information about the latest happenings in our ever-changing world of fluxational madness.

Our incredibly dedicated staff of hundreds, who sometimes sleep less than two hours per night, feel this award only motivates them more to get less sleep in the future.

If you would like to stop by our corporate headquarters to see our latest award, please also feel free to enjoy some excellent Lobster Bisque which was made especially for you!

Man Tweaks Life Plan After Doctor Tells Him He May Not Live Forever

Fargo man is totally stunned upon learning that he may not live forever.

Fargone, ND – When Mr. Verner Foot walked into his doctor’s office, he was honestly thinking that he would live forever.

When this came up during office visit conversation, his doctor gently broke the news to Verner that the chances of not living forever are about 100%.

Mr. Foot is his own words: “What the hell?! This is certainly news to me. Well, yeah, this definitely changes things, in a rather major way!”

When we asked Verner Foot what sort of life changes he’s planning on making based on this new information, he said: “Pretty much everything, except for diet and lifestyle.”

Anagramically, all the letters in Verner Foot can be mixed around to spell: Not Forever!

FM Observer Hires New CEO To Right The Ship

Say hello to our new CEO!

West Fargo, ND Your FM Observer is very excited to announce that we have just hired a new CEO to run our company.

Dr. Papi Rafiki comes highly recommended to us from the Red River Zoo.

Papi, as he likes to be called, has been hired to right the ship, if you will, and get us back on track toward the direction of our future.

Dr. Rafiki believes, as do we, that the FM Observer was put on the Internet by a higher power and that it is our destiny to provide trusted news for all people of Planet Earth.

You are invited to an open house at our corporate headquarters for a Meet & Greet with Dr. Rafiki.

Papi would personally like to meet you and hear your ideas for and concerns about the FM Observer as we move forward together, with our new CEO at the helm. Welcome to Dr. Papi Rafiki! :0)

The FM Observer Is Shutting Down. For Good.


Bye. Sayonara. Bon voyage. Arrivederci. Honolulu. Outie. Chow.

Fargo, ND—With a little over four years of incredibly touching amateur satire under its belt, Fargo-Moorhead’s only fake news agency is calling it quits. The FM Observer is shutting down permanently, as of this evening.

What once was a vessel for completely made-up, imaginative, sometimes thought-provoking, Absurdly Observative™ fake news articles is becoming a thing of the past. In a statement released this morning, FMO Staff bid the internet a fond farewell:

“Over the years we’ve gleefully provided the worldwide web with our own personal dose of imaginative fairy-tale news coverage. The fact that we’re fresh out of ideas coupled with an expired internet domain registry was a sign from Above that now would be the best time to pull the plug. What a ride it’s been! We couldn’t be happier with how it all turned out. Well……actually, that’s not true.  We could’ve written better articles.”

Observer staff members will soon be released back into the wild, free again to roam the forests, screaming at squirrels and conjuring Dark Spirits.

The FM Observer would like to thank our sponsors, of which there are none.

Thanks for reading! This website will self-destruct at 23:59 CST. [end]

Kate Middleton Deems Dental Hygiene ‘Unpractical’

Kate MiddletonWith curves in the correct places, a beautiful baby and a charming smile, Kate Middleton tops People’s “Top 25 Hot Celeb List,” but her latest input on oral hygiene has left many to ponder upon the British way.

More than a year after giving birth to Prince George of Cambridge (whatever that means), Middleton revealed that she follows the strict British tradition of hardly every brushing her teeth. She claims poor hygienic practices are simply a part of joining the royal family.

“I brush my teeth once every forknight,” Middleton said. “I’m still trying to figure out what a forknight is, but I think its once every three or four nights. William is really the rule-maker around here. If he brushes his teeth, then I’ll join, if not, we go to bed. It’s really very simple and British.”

According to the Royal British Hygienic Code, royal members are only ordained to bath and/or brush every 12 days. The code was established in 1744 by King George III (for reasons yet to be understood by historians) and has been followed (for reasons yet to be understood by anyone) to this day. Royalty remains odorous and questioned by British Parliamentary and citizens alike.

“I love a good queen, I do,” Londoner Tom Blinder said, he did. “But her teef looks like she fell head first into a pile of rubbish.”

Middleton continues to deny the accusations by common folk like Tom Blinder, and seems quite calm regarding her pearly-greys, but the Twitter-verse has certainly taken an interest in the matter. @iMwATCHINGYOU said this:

“Kate is supposed to be the role model for the whole planet. I haven’t brushed my teeth since I saw I selfie of Kate brushing her own, but it’s been nearly 32 years… when can I brush?”

The 32-year-old Duchesses, remaining un-buggered, said only this:

“I’ll admit it, oral hygiene has not been a primary concern of the British people in the last 400 years, and it still isn’t today. So what if our teef are grey and smelly? We invented electricity and baseball. Isn’t that enough?”


Man Sentenced To 75 Years In Prison For Stealing Neighbors Cow

CowMaza, ND – A man was sentenced to 75 years in prison this past Wednesday for stealing his neighbors cow.

Jim Benson, a local dairy farmer (whom Bill Burns worked for before joining the FM Observer), was arrested last week and charged with theft of property.

The property?  A cow.

Cops state that Mr. Benson dressed as a cow, “pranced” over to his neighbors cow barn late at night and stole their most milk producing cow, Betty.

Mr. Benson stated that he just needed some milk and that was all.  He will be eligible for parole in 10 years.

When asked if it was worth it he said, “Absolutely not. I should have just gone to the store for milk.”

Jail To Offer Square Dancing As Threat Or Bribe

King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

King of the Fiddle: Charlie Fritters

Fargo, ND – The Cass County Jail will soon be implementing a new, fun activity for some of their inmate population.

The sounds of Square Dancing in the jailhouse will be heard on Wednesday afternoons and Saturday evenings. As a bonus treat, pink lemonade and powdered doughnuts will be offered, for a nominal fee.

Warden Norm Orzak said he got the idea of having jailhouse square dances from a visiting Catholic priest who suggested that they duplicate at the jail what folks have been doing down in the church basement for years.

Special Training Officer Orietta Posada explains that if jail inmates like the idea of some periodic social square dancing with other inmates, then the square dancing will be used as a bribe.

However, if they perhaps do not appreciate the chance to partake in the fine art of square dancing with other cellmates, then it will be used as a threat or punishment.

To kick it all off, the jail staff is proud to be bringing in an ol’ time fiddler named Charlie Fritters from Backwoods, Arkansas. He was once called the King of the Fiddle and can supposedly make people cry with his music.

On his website, someone recently left the following comment about Charlie Fritters:

Ol’ Charlie Fritters
Kind of has the jitters
His shakin’ helps a little
When it’s time to play the fiddle.

He’s the King of the Fiddle
or somewhere in the middle
Square dancing’s worth a try
Charlie Fritters will make you cry.

Mr. Charlie Fritters
Don’t allow no quitters
You will work up a sweat
And have lots of fun, yah you bet!

Warden Orzak sums it up like this: “If this all goes well, and there’s not a lot of fighting, we may add some additional new, fun activities in the future, such as: Bingo-rama, an interactive Petting Zoo, and Team Dodgeball.”